Chapter 18
Chapter
Eighteen
ROISIN
F or the first time in my life, I have to force myself to leave the compound.
For so many years it’s seemed like a prison. Like my freedom was something ephemeral that couldn’t be trusted.
It took being imprisoned for real, having my freedom truly stripped away, to make me realize how much I'd taken for granted. Now, the compound feels like a sanctuary and I'm terrified to step beyond its walls.
But I have to. I can't let the Viper win. I can't let what happened define me.
So I move past it through sheer force of will. Arranging to meet up with Emylyah and go shopping, just like I used to.
I have Liam as my permanent companion. Driving me, protecting me. Always by my side.
I’m pretty sure there’s another security detail trailing us, too. One I haven’t been informed of. I know how protective my brothers are. A single guard would never be enough to appease them. I suspect they simply don’t want to freak me out by sending a posse along with me.
The tall, iron gates creak open, and I flinch at the sound. My heart races as we drive onto the street, despite the tinted windows of the bulletproof vehicle I’m riding in.
I tell myself it's just a normal day. Just a regular trip to Fifth Avenue. Nothing to fear.
But as soon as I’m on the street, my eyes dart everywhere, searching for threats. Scanning faces in the crowd. And then I see him—Dominic—standing on the corner, watching me. My breath catches.
I blink and he's gone. Just another stranger who bears a passing resemblance.
It's not the first time this has happened. Not the first time I've imagined him lurking in the shadows. There have been several times I’ve drawn my curtains at night or looked out to admire the beauty of a day, and thought he was there. My mind playing tricks on me.
Sometimes I almost wish it were real. At least then, I'd know I’m not going crazy.
I force myself to keep walking, to act natural. But inside, I'm screaming. Part of me wants to run back to the safety of the compound and away from the constant feeling of being watched. Which is ridiculous, because I know I’m being watched. By Liam, by the security team, and undoubtedly by a second team, sent by the Bratva to ensure Emylyah is safe with me. I half expected her husband, Nikolai, to forbid her from meeting with me under the circumstances. Since that hasn't happened, I’m determined to keep our usual routine.
Not that there’s been any opportunity for me to confide in her, since Liam is always with us like a big cat on the prowl. Watching, waiting, ready to pounce at the first sign of danger… or the first admission of anything untoward out of my mouth. Even at home, I suspect my suite is under some kind of surveillance, if the speed with which someone intervenes if I ever have a nightmare, or a crying jag, is anything to go by.
I push through the crowded sidewalk, my eyes darting from face to face, searching for threats—or for him. Emylyah chatters beside me, her voice a soothing constant that I cling to like a lifeline. I nod and smile at the appropriate moments, but my mind is elsewhere. Thankfully, I don’t think Liam can tell.
We duck into a high-end boutique, the familiar scent of leather and perfume enveloping us. As Emylyah browses through racks of designer clothes, I find myself drawn to a display of scarves. My fingers trail over the silky fabric and suddenly, I'm back there, in that room, Dominic's hands ghosting over my skin. Dear God, I miss him.
"Roisin?" Emylyah's voice snaps me back to reality. "What do you think of this one?"
I blink, forcing a smile as I turn to examine the dress she's holding up. "It's lovely. The color suits you."
She beams but there's a flicker of concern in her eyes. I know she can sense something's off, but she doesn't push. That's why I love her—she knows when to let things be. And she knows how to be discreet.
As we move through the store, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror. I hardly recognize myself. My eyes are haunted, dark circles beneath them despite the concealer I carefully applied this morning. I look away quickly, not wanting to dwell on the changes in myself. Most people would put it down to my ordeal, I know. But it’s not that. I know in my heart of hearts it’s because I can’t get Dominic out of my mind.
Suddenly, a man brushes past me, his cologne eerily familiar. My heart leaps into my throat as I whirl around, half-expecting to see Dominic's piercing gaze. But it's just another stranger, already disappearing into the crowd outside the shop.
I take a shaky breath, trying to steady myself. Janey Mack, this needs to stop! I’m obsessed with the man. Awake or asleep, he haunts me.
Emylyah touches my arm gently. "Are you alright?" she asks, her voice low enough that Liam can't hear.
I nod, not trusting my voice. She doesn't believe me—I can see it in her eyes—but she doesn't press further. Instead, she says, “I bought you a gift.” She presses a distinctive, pink-striped gift bag into my hand, but gives an imperceptible shake of her head when I go to look in it. “It’s for at home,” she says with a wink. “In private.” She waggles her eyebrows, and I laugh as I wonder what goodies the Victoria’s Secret bag holds. Not that I have anyone to wear sexy underwear for.
Nope—not thinking that. It’s not like that qualification stopped me from indulging in sexy underwear in the past. I’ve really got to get past this idea that I’m not complete without Dominic.
Thankfully, Emylyah links her arm through mine, pulling me out of my head and providing silent support as we continue shopping.
My peace of mind doesn’t last for long. As we exit the boutique, I feel exposed again. The bustling street seems full of potential threats. My eyes dart from face to face, searching for any sign of danger. Or for him. I'm not even sure which.
The paranoia has gotten the better of me, a bout of nausea surging up and gripping me by the throat, so I beg off lunch, the thought of food threatening to make me spill my guts. Literally.
I say goodbye to Emylyah at her own car, parked right next to Liam’s, and give her a tight hug. “Call me,” she says, squeezing me back, and I nod, trying to dredge up a convincing smile.
I want to confide in her so much. I desperately need someone to talk to. There really isn’t anyone else I can tell. Even a therapist is out of the question, since there’s never going to be a time when I have the privacy to be frank about what occurred. And the complexity of my feelings for Dominic, the enduring confusion about whether any of it is real or simply some kind of residual Stockholm Syndrome, has me about ready to pull my hair out. It’s like he’s hijacked my consciousness, haunting my waking hours as well as my dreams, where he monopolizes my subconscious with phantom lovemaking that feels oh so very real… until I wake up alone and longing for him.
Back at home in my room, I turn to the gift from Emylyah in an attempt to occupy my mind with something other than obsessing over Dominic Romano. My fingers close over satin and lace, and I pull out a demure white but sexy as hell teddy. And all I can think is whether Dominic would like it. I never got the chance to dress up for him.
Well shit. That distraction didn’t work.
Then I realize the bag isn’t empty. Pushing aside the tissue paper, I find two plain white boxes and wonder if my wicked friend has added a vibrator and some lube to cheer me up. I wouldn’t put it past her.
I grin, opening the first box, shaking out the contents, but open my eyes wide in shock when what I recognize as a burner phone falls onto my bed. Staring at it for a long moment, my fingers absently move to the second box which contains a device I don’t recognize along with a note.
I know your brothers have you locked down, but I’m always here for you. Use this phone if you ever need to talk in private — I mean properly private. The other device is a jammer. It’ll prevent anyone overhearing, just in case the walls have ears.
Tears prickle behind my eyes. My awesome best friend has thought of everything.
I check through the instructions she’s included for the jammer, so I know exactly what to do when the time comes. Then I tap out a message on the burner saying I’ll call her at 9pm, which I know is her usual bath and pamper time.
Inevitably, my mind turns back to Dominic. The paper he gave me with his number on it has been haunting me, and without giving myself time to second guess my actions, I grab it and input the number into the burner phone along with Lyah’s, before hiding everything in my underwear drawer.
Time seems to crawl by at a snail’s pace. I eat dinner with my brothers, doing my best to put on the kind of show they expect from me, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aware of the speculative glances they throw my way every so often. I excuse myself as soon as I possibly can afterward.
Once back in my room, I pace nervously, checking the time every few minutes. At 8:55, I retrieve the burner phone and jammer from their hiding spot, my heart racing. I set up the jammer as Emylyah instructed, then settle on my bed, phone clutched tightly in my hand.
At precisely 9:00, I dial Lyah's number, holding my breath as it rings.
"Roisin?" Her familiar voice floods me with relief.
"Lyah," I whisper, emotion threatening to choke me. "Thank you for this. I... Janey Mack, you have no idea how much I need to talk frankly to someone. To you .”
"Of course I do. You’re my best friend. I could see you were struggling, no matter how much you tried putting on a brave face. And I knew your brothers would have you locked down after what happened. But I'm here now, so tell me everything and get it off your chest.”
The floodgates open, and words pour out of me in a torrent. I tell her about the kidnapping, about the Viper, and how terrified I was that he’d take something precious from me that I would never recover from. I confide how Dominic rescued me, about the intense connection we shared, and how I propositioned him.
I even confess how he turned me down for what he truly believed was my own good, and how he was finally convinced. My voice trembles as I describe our passionate encounters, the way he made me feel both safe and exhilarated.
“I’m impressed,” Emylyah comments, and I can hear the truth of that in her voice. “If he can turn down a beautiful woman like you offering herself on a platter, and do so for such honorable reasons, then that makes him a good man, in my book.”
"But now," I say, fighting back tears, "now I don't know what to do. I want to see him so much… but what would happen if I did? My brothers would never understand. They see Dominic as the enemy. And maybe... maybe they're right. I mean, he's part of LCN, isn't he? But God, Lyah, the way he looked at me, the way he touched me... it felt so real."
I hear Emylyah take a deep breath on the other end of the line. "Roisin, I don’t know all the answers. But I can tell you this: what you're feeling is valid. Don't let anyone, not even your brothers, make you doubt that."
Her words wash over me, soothing some of the turmoil in my mind. "But what if it's just Stockholm Syndrome or something? What if I'm just confused because he saved me?"
"Do you really believe that?" Lyah's voice is gentle but probing. "Roisin, you're one of the strongest, most level-headed people I know. I don't think you'd fall for someone just because they rescued you. Even if you did offer him your virginity.”
I close my eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "I... I don't know. It's all so complicated. And I know it’s impossible. If either of us approaches the other, it’ll cause a shitstorm. Dominic is likely to be killed if Ciaran or Cal get wind of it, and it’s not like I can set up a secret rendezvous to see if this obsession I have for him is something real, or all in my mind. Even if he’s open to such a thing—which I highly doubt, because I’m sure he has a healthy self-preservation philosophy.”
“Except he did give you his phone number,” Lyah reminds me.
That tiny piece of paper pressed into my hand before he gave me up to the safety of my brothers, saying to get in touch if I ever needed him.
And I want to. I ache to.
But to do so would be to sign his death warrant and I love him too much to risk that.
“And that gives you the answer to how you truly feel.”
Emylyah’s words bring me back to reality. Shit, did I say that out loud?
Seems like I did.
I heave out a sigh, knowing what I have to do. Whether I like it or not. “You’re right. And I’d rather live in a world knowing Dominic exists somewhere in it, even if it’s not with me, than one where he ceases to be.”
That really would be too much for my soul to bear.
I end the call with Emylyah, promising to get in touch again if I need to, and I will. I know I’m going to need her friendship and good sense to help me through this, as I delete Dominic’s number from the burner phone and do my best to put him out of my mind.
Yet rather than forget him, I instead live with my twisted obsession. Imagining him everywhere. Yearning to see him, speak to him.
Knowing it’s impossible.
Except suddenly, just as I’ve come to learn, in the blink of an eye, things change, and the world is turned on its head.