Chapter Fourteen
KADE COULD FEEL the stares boring into his back as he perused the shelves at the back of the infirmary’s lesson room, where the apprentices practiced and honed their craft. Where they spent most of their time, each at their own personalized station.
He was deep into enemy territory. The outsider peeking into a secret society.
When Kade turned to look over his shoulder, none of the five collected apprentices turned away. None even attempting to hide their staring—their curiosity. Their distain.
Kade did his best to ignore them, but their eyes were like needles on his skin.
It was the same each time Kade journeyed into the infirmary for study materials.
Silent judgement.
Not one apprentice had returned Kade’s greeting when he’d introduced himself, they stared down their nose at him like he were something under their foot, then simply turned their backs and continued working, pretending like he wasn’t there at all. Freezing him out.
Kade often heard them grumbling under their breath, whispers of the gall he had to show his face there. A cheat and a fraud.
Red hot shame burned Kade’s cheeks, but he would endure it. For Killi. For himself.
Assigned as his escort, the guard Dantel waited dutifully for Kade outside the door. He hoped the guard wasn’t listening. He didn’t want one of Killi’s men to pity him.
Dantel watched over him, making sure he didn’t go traipsing through the palace. He was an outsider, after all, only allowed in the infirmary, the library, and Killi’s room; where he ended up spending a majority of his time.
Kade understood that Killi couldn’t watch over him personally, he was busy, doing whatever captains did, but it was in times like this, when he was alone and unsure that he always felt Killi’s absence the most. Even back in Turell. He just wanted to get his texts and go.
“It’s not personal.”
It took Kade a moment to realize that the voice over his shoulder was speaking to him. No one did that. He turned and met warm blue eyes, kind and understanding. Sympathetic, or perhaps pitying, Kade couldn’t tell.
There was something in this stranger’s face that reminded Kade of Fyar, if Fyar was blonde, and capable of real emotions.
“What?”
“The palace is big, but it’s smaller than you’d think.
News travels fast. Things tend to get around here, and Captain del Torau’s brother showing up out of nowhere?
That’s the most interesting news we’ve had in a while.
” There was a beat of silence. A strange look crossed the stranger’s face, and he cleared his throat.
“Listen, Hokda hasn’t exactly been quiet about how you got this chance and—”
“They think it’s not fair.”
The blue-eyed stranger shrugged. “You had an in. It’s because of who you are—who you know—that you’re here. They resent that.”
“I don’t blame them,” said Kade, looking down at the floor. “I would too.”
“They’ll come around. You’re not the first one to get a leg up because of family connections. Just give them time.” Mirth sparkled in his eyes. “Well, if you pass, that is.”
“I will. Pass.”
“Oh. Confident.” He held out a hand to Kade. “Porthos.”
Kade took it. “Kade.”
“I know.” Porthos pulled a thick encyclopedia from the shelf above Kade’s head and handed it over.
“I’d study this one. Hokda’s a stickler about the basics.
A strong foundation will take you to unimaginable heights or whatever.
If you can’t name these medicinal herbs and ingredients, you’ll never make it through the door.
” He smirked. “I look forward to working with you, Kade. Good luck.”
Killian returned to his room every night to the same sight, Kade curled in his desk chair, pouring over an amalgamation of encyclopedias and loose notes, trying to cram as much information into his brain as possible.
He was at the desk when Killian left for patrols in the morning and still there when Killian returned after dinner.
Worried Kade would burn himself out before he even made it to the test, Killian had argued that Kade needed to get out, stretch his legs, but Kade had waved away all his warnings and insisted he knew what he was doing. He told Killian to trust him and to let him be.
The week had flown by.
It was nearing midnight when Killian finally slipped through his door.
Kade was fading, if he was awake at all, his head propped against his fist as he lolled, jerking at times to keep from face-planting into the open book.
Hanging his swords by the door, Killian padded over quietly.
Sitting on the edge of the desk, he smiled softly at the scene in front of him.
The lamp light danced over Kade’s pale skin, he had dark circles under his eyes from the long nights and early mornings and his hair was a bit messed and mussed from raking his hands through it in frustration.
It was a rare occasion Killian could admire Kade without fear of being caught.
It had been almost too easy to adjust to Kade living in Killian’s room, to fall into the domestic way of existing in each other’s space. It wasn’t like before, where Killian had been exiled to the barn while Kade was trapped in that toxic, poisonous house.
It was calm.
It was peace like Killian had never known.
It was easy then—too easy—to get swept up in the fantasy of what could be.
If Kade accepted his feelings, would he see Killian off in the mornings with a sleepy smile and a kiss?
If Kade loved Killian like Killian loved Kade, would this ache in his chest finally disappear?
Would Killian finally be able to look at Kade without feeling guilty and ashamed of himself?
Would Killian finally be able to forgive himself for falling in love with the one elf he was never meant to have?
Killian wasn’t sure when his feelings towards Kade shifted into something more.
When he’d stopped looking at Kade as only a little brother.
There wasn’t one single moment for it, but suddenly it was just there.
All consuming and raw, and by the time he realized, it was too late.
There was no going back. Kade had always been his entire world, the only good in his life, but this…
This feeling was different. He wanted to love and be loved. See and be seen. Hold and be held.
But the one Killian wanted to love and see and hold was someone everyone told him was his family, his brother, though they shared not a drop of the same blood. It was a love that was wrong. Doomed before it began.
Killian always wondered if Kade would accept him. Would he see Killian’s darkness and love him anyway or he spit in disgust and turn his back on him?
The latter was more likely. And yet, Killian couldn’t turn these feelings off.
Not that he wanted to. However dangerous they were.
Killian had been turning to Loran for comfort more often since Kade had arrived, the lieutenant always accepting of his advances. He’d needed to keep hold of his sanity, one slip and he could lose everything.
Reaching out, Killian tucked a stray piece of hair behind Kade’s ear, letting the silky strands fall through his fingers slowly.
Kade’s lashes fluttered against his cheek, his nose scrunching cutely as he blinked himself awake. He groaned, “I fell asleep.”
“You should go to bed.”
“I can’t. The test is tomorrow.” Kade yawned. “I still have a hundred pages to go over.”
“There’s nothing more you can learn tonight.
The best thing you can do is get good night’s rest before Hokda sucks out your soul.
You’ll need all your wits about you tomorrow.
” Killian tapped two fingers against Kade’s forehead.
“Killing yourself like this won’t help you pass.
What good would all this studying have been if you keel over and die in the middle of the test? ”
Kade glowered down at the text. Killian could tell the moment that Kade decided to go against him and dive back in. He could see it in Kade’s eyes.
In that moment, Killian made a decision of his own, one he would ruminate on for the rest of his life, wondering if that was the moment it all changed. But there, at that time, all he was thinking about was Kade.
“Get up,” Killian ordered. “There’s something I want to show you.”
“What? Right now?” Then, “No.”
“Come on. One hour, that’s all I’m asking for.”
“Killi, I can’t. I have to finish this.”
“Fuck that! When has a book ever helped you in the real world? Come on!” Killian held out his hand. “Trust me.”
Kade, helpless to do anything but, put his hand in Killian’s and let him pull him to his feet.
Killian smiled. Kade’s hand was warm in his. “You’ll love this.”
Kade didn’t look convinced, but he followed Killian anyway, like he always would, like it wasn’t ever a question. He was confused when Killian led him out of their room. He started grumbling when Killian led them outside. He stopped dead in his tracks when they stood at the edge of the labyrinth.
“What?” Kade flinched at a sharp snap that came from deep within the labyrinth. From where they were, they couldn’t even see the top of the hedges through the mist and the dark. “Dantel told me this area of the grounds is off limits. By punishment of death.”
Killian shrugged. “Eh. We’ll be fine. Probably.”
Kade shoved him. “I’m going back.”
“No, you’re not,” laughed Killian, stepping close, bending a little to catch Kade’s wary eyes.
His hands trailed down Kade’s arm, gripping his elbow lightly.
“You’re safe with me. I’ll take care of you.
Always. Just—be careful. Don’t touch anything, and, for the love of god, don’t take anything. If you do, I’ll have to kill you.”
Kade nodded slowly.
The first time Kade saw one of the hedges move on their own, twisting apart to show Killian the way, he squealed like a stuck pig and nearly trampled Killian into the ground in an attempt to flee. Killian had to grab him by the back of his tunic and haul him back.