Chapter Twenty-Eight
TENDER AND METHODIC, Killian dragged a wet cloth along the expanse of Kade’s body, wiping the sweat and sex from Kade’s skin. He sat at the edge of the bed, Kade’s legs in his lap as he cleaned him, his hands massaging and working the muscle as he went.
There was a blissful smile on Kade’s face as he lounged in Killian’s bed, tired and sated. One arm rested on his stomach, the other behind his head, while he watched Killian spoil him through half-lidded eyes.
Killian could feel a lazy hunger in the way that Kade looked at him, evident by the way his cock lay half-hard against his stomach. It made him shiver, but they had done enough for the night. He didn’t want to push Kade’s body too hard.
The thought still pleased Killian beyond anything else. This was everything he’d ever wanted, and yet, he couldn’t shake the guilt he’d grown so accustomed to living with.
“What is it?” Kade’s voice was loud in the quiet. He pursed his lips and gave Killian a fond look. “I can see you brooding. Just say it, Killi. I can’t wait another hundred years for you to talk about your feelings again.”
“Mean,” Killian chuckled. “Am I so easy to read?”
“You are to me.”
The smile slid from Killian’s face. It didn’t feel like the right time to talk, this thing between them too fresh to bring up wounds that had barely scabbed over.
He didn’t want to bleed again tonight, but still, he couldn’t let it linger over their heads like a dark cloud waiting to break.
“How did you figure it out? About me? About what I…feel for you?”
It was still hard for him to say. To acknowledge out loud.
Kade smiled sadly, like he understood. “It’s amazing what you can pick up when you know someone. When you’ve grown up with them.”
Killian took a steadying breath and braced himself. “How long have you known?”
“It was always there, I think. Just under the surface. I could see it because I felt it too. That night, in the vineyard, with the fyreflies I was thought you were going to bring it up.”
“I was.”
“I was sure of my suspicions when you came of age and decided instead of leaving, you would stay in Turell.”
“Where would I have gone?”
“Anywhere else. You were finally free. Finally able to escape Turell—escape my parents. You hated it there, I know you did, but you stayed. Why?”
Killian didn’t answer. He didn’t need to.
Apparently, the answer had been obvious.
Kade sat up, pulling his legs from Killian’s lap and tucking them under him as he twisted around, moving until he curled around the older elf, arms wrapped around Killian and resting his chin on his shoulder, a slight smile curling on his lips. “For me. Right?”
“For you,” Killian agreed without hesitation. “I never wanted to leave you.”
A soft kiss to Killian’s jaw. “I know.” Then, barely a whisper, “Would you ever have told me yourself?”
Killian bowed his head “No. Never.”
“Why not?”
“How could I? I was meant to be your brother. I was meant to be your protector. My only purpose in this world is to keep you safe, to keep you happy, so how could I even think of tainting you with…this? I thought I was protecting you. I had to protect you from me.”
Kade scowled. “Is that really how you thought of it? Is that really what you remember?”
“What do you mean?”
“It wasn’t like that for me.” Kade bit his lip, struggling to find the right words.
“I never thought of it—of you—that way. My protector, sure, but my brother? It’s a bit looser than that, no?
You were my parents' ward, and they were horrible to you. They were never your family, Killi. They couldn’t be.
I thought you saw that too, since you never really seemed to care about them.
And since they weren’t your family…I wasn’t either.
We were family in name only, and barely even that. ”
Understanding bloomed in Killian’s chest.
“You were always more than that label,” Kade continued.
“You were everything. You were my entire world. You were never only my brother. I guess that’s why I’ve never had the same issues you seem to have had when it came to the idea of us.
Of what we are. Of what we’ve become. It always just seemed like the natural course of things, for me. ”
Blinking, Killian took a moment to process that.
He couldn’t say he’d ever expected that or if he really liked the notion.
That they’d never been on the same page at all.
Ever. It should ease some of the guilt Killian felt, but it didn’t, instead it weirdly stung.
He was left questioning an entire portion of who he was.
Kade gently smoothed the pad of his finger over where Killian’s brow furrowed. “Does that make you sad?”
“No? Yes? I don’t know. Maybe. It’s a lot to think about.”
“We have all the time in the world.” Kade began idly tracing the lines of Killian’s enil over his chest, perfectly happy to wait in silence for Killian’s mind to catch up. Though his hands on Killian’s body definitely weren’t helping.
After an eternity of going around and around in his head, Killian let out a humorless laugh. “I nearly fucked everything up. We were so close to not having this.”
“That’s not true,” Kade disagreed. “Despite your best efforts, I would have—and did—make sure we ended up right where we needed to be. We’re here now. We made it. Finally."
Finally. Finally. Finally. The word whispered reverently.
Where they were always headed.
“We did.” Killian clung to Kade, just held on like letting go would kill him.
“Prepare yourself. I’ll never let you go now.
Even if you cry and beg and scream, even if you one day come to hate me, I’ll never let you go.
” He paused, expression stuttering. “I can’t shake the thought that I’m dooming you because of it, stealing away the rest of your life. ”
Never once did Kade flinch. “Steal it then. Doom me. Whatever you want, just never leave me.” He was deadly serious. “I have no intentions of letting you go either, you know. I’ll bind you to me in every way I can, Killian del Torau. You are my life.”
Killian could die. He could just keel over and die. Death by pretty words and stupidly beautiful eyes and a heart so full it burst.
“I don’t deserve you,” Killian whispered, nuzzling against Kade’s temple.
“You don’t,” teased Kade, smiling and leaning into Killian’s touch. “But you’ll have me. All of me. As I’ll have all of you. I’ll accept nothing less than your full commitment.”
“You’ve always had it.”
“Not always.”
Ah. “My heart has never strayed. Even if I’ve been a bit loose with the rest of me.”
“That’s not what I meant. Though there is that, too.” Slowly, Kade wrapped his fingers around the breadth of Killian’s throat, squeezing just hard enough for him to recognize the warning in it. “I meant your master. As long as you’re his, you’ll never be all mine. And that kills me.”
That was an intoxicatingly possessive statement. Killian was delighted.
“I hate that he has parts of you I’ll never know. Memories with you I’ll never hear. Marks on your skin I can’t make.”
Killian grinned. “Want to make a vow with me, love?”
“No vow you could make me could compare to whatever this is,” said Kade, glaring at the expanse of Killian’s enil. “But don’t worry. I’ll put my mark on you someday. Wait a little longer.”
“I’d wait forever for you.”
Softening at that, Kade dragged Killian into a kiss.
Helpless to do anything but, Killian rolled them backwards onto the mattress and crawled up Kade’s body, pressing light kisses across his stomach and chest as he went.
He took Kade slow the second time, like he’d always wanted to, so loving and sweet that it almost hurt.
There was no rush in either of their movements. They had time.
And when Kade was breaking apart with little gasps and keens, he finally returned Killian’s confession, in three whispered words. I love you.
After, while Killian laid on his heaving chest, Kade said, “It’s a beautiful night for a walk.”
Killian laughed. “You hate him, but love his garden.”
“The plants are innocent,” Kade said petulantly. “Now, are we going or not?”
“Don’t touch it! You’re going to snap the stem,” scolded Killi, slapping at Kade’s hands as he ran them across the large waxy leaves of a palm that grew along the animal path they were walking. Side by side, so close they were nearly always touching. Bumping into each other as they meandered.
Well, as they walked in a very specific direction that Kade was leading them.
Kade rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. “One touch isn’t going to kill it. These species are a lot stronger than you’d expect.”
Killi didn’t look convinced, but it was no matter, it wasn’t like he knew what he was talking about. “Damage of any kind could be our undoing. Fyar is very particular.”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Kade dismissively. The king being overly anal about everything and anything under the sun wasn’t exactly a secret. “But it’s still a jungle. Where animals live. It’s not ever going to be pristine. He’d never know.”
“He’d know,” said Killian ominously. “He always knows.”
Kade curled his lip.
Around the east side of the lake, just on the edge of the marshes, Kade found his prize. A plush white flower with purple stems and heart shaped leaves. His heart pounded as he drew closer, his stomach in so many knots he could hurl.
Lagging behind, Kade pretended to study another specimen and let Killi disappear into the thickets of brush.
He felt sick, but he had no choice. He needed to do this.
It didn’t matter whether or not he believed Porthos would tattle, he needed that guarantee.
He couldn’t risk it slipping out and then being banished from the palace.
Not actually knowing how much Porthos would need for his tea but assuming it was more than a single leaf, Kade harvested an entire offshoot by the root, leaves and stem and flowers included.
After musing his fingers through the dirt to hide his tracks, it looked like the plant had never been there. Gone without a trace.
Tucking it carefully into the folds of his robes, Kade swallowed down his nerves and shook out his limbs. Then, plastering a smile on his face, he went off after Killi who was no doubt waiting for him to catch up.