Chapter Thirty-Six #2
Killian closed his eyes. There was the anger. “Let’s not do this, Kade. Please.”
“It should’ve worked.”
“You tried. Hokda tried. Fyar tried. If you three couldn’t—”
“Fyar’s magic is unlike anything else, it doesn’t have limits the way mine or Hokda’s does. It should have worked. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.” Killian clenched his jaw. “You’re grieving. It’s understandable that you want someone to blame.”
“I know who’s to blame!”
“If you say anything other than that fucking boar then I don’t think you do,” Killian snapped.
He took a deep breath and worked to rein in his flaring temper.
How many times would he have to repeat himself before Kade dropped this?
“I understand this pain, Kade, but you’re going too far.
You’re looking for smoke in mirrors, seeing things that aren’t there and you’re going to get yourself killed.
I mean, what the hell were you thinking going after Fyar like that? In public?”
Kade opened his mouth to argue, his eyes flashing, but Killian plowed on.
“He’s the king, for fucks sake. He could have had your head for that.
You have every right not to like him, I’ve always given you space for that, but you cannot speak to him that way.
And you can’t blame him for every little thing that goes wrong. ”
“Porthos’ life isn’t a little thing.”
Killian closed his eyes. “You’re right. It’s not. But Porthos is gone. And you’re still here. And I can’t lose you. So please, I’m begging you, let this go.”
Kade inhaled sharply, tears springing to his eyes. “I know I shouldn’t have…but—I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted to save my friend.”
“You did everything you could.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“I know, but it’s the truth.”
“I wish it wasn’t. I hate feeling like this.”
Killian tucked a stray piece of hair behind Kade’s ear. “It will pass.”
Catching Killian wrist, Kade pressed a kiss to the palm of his hand before nuzzling deeper into the contact. “Distract me. Take me away from all this.”
“Are you sure?”
Kade nodded. “Please.”
Killian brought them together slowly. Softly. Gently. He poured everything he had into Kade, every fiber of his being, every ounce of his soul. He offered it up, and Kade devoured him whole.
Familiarity didn’t lessen the impact. Kade’s hands on his body felt holy.
The wind and the rain their only witness, Killian fucked Kade softly, taking from his body as much as he gave. Greedily swallowing down the small sounds of pleasure, savoring each and every one. He did as he promised and he whisked Kade away from all the bad.
In that moment, it was just them. Two halves of a whole.
In that moment, they were alright.
They spent two full days in bed. Only leaving to eat and bathe.
If Kade was confused about the sudden abundance of time Killian had to just lounge around, he didn’t say anything.
Killian was grateful for that, he didn’t want to talk about it.
So they spent two days wallowing. Staring out the window at the rain.
Two days before the real world came crashing back down on them.
There was something off about Killi as he shrugged into his dress uniform, he wasn’t usually so distracted. Killi loved his work, even when the burden was heavy and the nights dragged on, he took pride in his title and position. Now, he just seemed lifeless. Sad.
It was Kade’s fault, he knew it was. Everything had gone to shit for Killi after he’d arrived. Maybe it would have been better—for everyone—if he’d stayed in Turell and never come to the palace at all. Killi would still be the master of his own life and Porthos…Porthos might still be alive.
Kade hung his head, his eyes stinging. He slumped where he was, leaning on the back of the sofa, watching Killi finish getting ready.
Gods, this sucked. He was so sick of crying. Of being weak.
“None of that now,” Killi said gently, catching Kade’s chin and guiding his head up.
Killi looked tired, like more than just a lack of sleep was weighing on him.
“We just have to get through a few more days and everything will go back to normal.” He spoke as if he were trying to convince himself as much as Kade. “You’ll see.”
Kade melted into the kiss that Killi pressed to his lips, his hands coming up to grip Killi’s waist. He spread his thighs and Killi stepped into the space between them, closing the remaining distance.
Pulling back, Killi rested his forehead against Kade’s, their noses and lips brushing softly.
“Do we have to go?” Kade whispered. “We’re not so important that they’ll miss us. Can’t we just stay here?”
Killi’s lips twitched. “You’re not so important.”
Kade tried for a smile, it wobbled before it fell apart. “I don’t know how to go out there.”
“Just take it slow. Step by step. Minute by minute. And if it feels like it's too much, find me, and I’ll take you away.”
“I thought you were too important. You’d be missed if I stole you away.”
“You’re more important.”
The sincerity that Kade saw in Killi’s eyes made his tears fall for real. There had been too many tears shed over the past two days, and very few smiles. This pushed him right over the edge yet again.
Killi pressed a kiss to each of his cheeks, and then over his eyes. His lips came away wet with tears but he didn’t seem to mind. The smile he gave Kade was warm and calming.
“We’ll get through this.”
Kade nodded. “Just a few more days.”
“I need to go. I’ll be expected in Fyar’s quarters before we go down.” Killi’s eyes tightened and he looked strangely unsure. “You?”
Shaking his head, Kade sniffled, “I need to get my new robes from my room. Hokda’s changed our dress robes to black this evening in honor of—” Porthos. Kade choked, unable to bring himself to say the name.
“Alright,” Killi accepted easily. “I’ll see you in the hall.”
Later, once Kade was changed he sat down on his bed in his dingy, dark room, and didn’t get back up. He didn’t move until the last vestiges of sunlight began to fade.
The feast should have started already. Fyar giving a speech.
Kade didn’t want to hear it.
Someone had been in his room, he could tell by the way that certain things were put away in the wrong spots and the lack of dust. Kade hadn’t slept in this room—in this bed—for nearly a week. Whatever they were looking for, he hoped they didn’t find it.
Kade put his hand over his heart and felt for the even thump, thump. It felt grounding.
Step by step. Killi had said. Minute by minute.
Kade had only made it one step out of his room when he froze. There was movement in Porthos’ room across the hall, he could hear the boots shuffling on the floor and see the flash of golden hair. For a split second, Kade thought Porthos had come home. He ran into the room, a bit crazed.
His growing smile died on his face when the figure turned to reveal eyes the wrong shade of blue.
Lyra.
“Apologies,” the prince said, grimacing. “I didn’t mean to surprise you. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here at this hour. I thought everyone would be at the feast.”
“Why aren’t you?”
“I—” Lyra looked around. “I wanted to see where he’d been living.
Where he called home.” Lyra cleared his throat.
“He loved it here. He always said so in his letters. Not so much the room, he always complained about how small it was, but the palace. Ingara. Learning under Hokda, though he had his fair share of complaints about him, too.”
“We all do. Hokda’s special, but we all thought P-Porthos was one of his favorites.”
Lyra smiled. A real smile, though marred with anguish. “That’s my little brother for you. Always worming his way into everyone’s heart. You couldn’t help but love him.” He turned his back on Kade and scrubbed a hand over his face.
Kade didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing at all.
After composing himself, Lyra drew himself up.
There was something new in his eyes that Kade couldn’t read.
“He wrote about you. Kade del Torau, the new apprentice who got in riding his brother’s coattails.
Bold and talented, he said you were. I can see why he took to you, why he trusted you, why he used you.
” Lyra took a step towards him, and Kade took an answering one back.
Uneasy. “You tried to save him. You went against Fyar to try and save him. How stupid. How reckless. My cousin would squash you like a bug. But you tried to save my brother, I thank you for that. I’m truly sorry that it’s come to this. ”
Terrified, Kade’s voice came out small. “Come to what?”
Prince Lyra Yvylr didn’t answer. He held out a hand that sparked gold with his en, and Kade’s world went dark.