Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS
Milly
Sleeping is impossible. I toss and turn for the remainder of the night, my mind replaying every moment with Twitch.
Today is a workday, but I called in sick.
I’ve had barely a few hours of sleep, and I know I won’t be any good at work like this—miserable and distracted.
I never take sick days, but today I just can’t face it.
My phone rings, and my heart leaps. I’m hoping it’s Twitch, but when I glance at the screen, I see it’s Edward. I let out a long sigh, feeling foolish for letting my guard down with Twitch. I should’ve known better.
“Hello,” I answer, trying to sound normal.
“Hey, I was told you were sick. I wanted to check you got home okay and it wasn’t food poisoning or anything.”
“No, the food was great,” I reply, forcing a small laugh. “I just didn’t get much sleep and thought I’d do more harm than good if I showed up today.”
“That’s not good. I hope you get some rest,” he says, his voice warm with concern. “By the way, do you remember that older man who lost his wife in the shooting?”
I pause, my chest tightening. “Ah, yes, I remember him.” How could I forget?
He blamed me for his wife’s death. No hard feelings, though—I can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose the person you love most. My eyes water as I think about Twitch.
He’s not just some guy. He’s the guy, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
“The man came in today asking for you,” Edward continues. “He still looked stressed out. I wasn’t sure if he was planning to apologize for his behavior last time, but I told him you’d most likely be in tomorrow.”
I frown. “The man seemed traumatized the last time I saw him. Are you sure he wanted to apologize, because there’s no need, really?”
“He didn’t say, but I can’t imagine him needing to yell at you again.”
Edward’s optimism is almost endearing. Grief hits people differently, so I better prepare myself for tomorrow—whether it’s an apology or another round of blame. It could go either way.
“Well, thanks for letting me know,” I say.
“Hopefully, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I wince. “Yes, I should be in.” Who am I kidding? Of course I’ll go in. I’m going to go stir-crazy today, and the guilt of putting my own feelings before work is eating at me.
We say goodbye and I put my phone down, only for it to ring again. I groan loudly, frustrated that I can’t even have a moment to dwell. When I see Ivy’s name on the screen, I soften. Ivy is one of my safe people.
“Hello,” I answer, unable to fake cheeriness.
“Oh no,” her voice drops. “Is everything okay?”
My pathetic love life makes me pause. “I’ve realized I really like Twitch,” I admit, laughing bitterly.
“But I know my brother won’t allow it. And Twitch .
. . he’s such a good guy that he’ll choose Mercedez’s health over everything else.
He’ll do anything to keep her stable—even if it means making her his ol’ lady to keep her quiet and to protect my relationship with my brother. ”
“She what?” Ivy squeaks, her voice rising in disbelief.
“Oh yes,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “You can’t make this stuff up. She threatened Twitch—told him to make her his ol’ lady or she’d tell everyone about us. She even has proof of us kissing.”
I fan my face, trying to calm the anger and hurt bubbling inside me.
My heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.
“Why can’t I ever be happy?” I ask, tears streaming down my face.
“He’s the only guy I’ve ever liked, and I can’t have a relationship with him.
I want more, and I hate myself for it because I know how this is going to end.
I should be immune to the pain by now, but I’m not.
The clubhouse was the only place I ever felt truly happy and at home.
And now, with everything that’s happened, it’s all gone.
Both Twitch and I are struggling with the lies and the deceit, but we’re also struggling to say goodbye to each other.
He was here last night, and then he had to leave because Mercedez called and threatened him. ”
“I’m so sorry, Milly,” Ivy says sympathetically.
“Yes, I’m proud of my career and I’m content.” I sniffle. “But being by myself isn’t what makes me happy. My whole life is a litter of tiny papercuts on my heart, and just when I see happiness in my grasp, it slips away, leaving me with another cut.”
“The whole Mercedez thing is crap.” Ivy huffs. “Like, I get it, she’s mentally unwell, but who does she think she is? And if she really cared about Twitch, she wouldn’t be acting like this. She’s just using him to get what she wants—to be an ol’ lady. What are your thoughts on moving forward?”
My stomach twists painfully. “I don’t think there’s any moving forward for me and Twitch anymore.
I understand the position he’s in—he’s trying to protect everyone, including me—but .
. .” I slam my hand down onto the bed. “I want more. I want to be his first choice. I want him to put us above everyone else. I want him to fight for us.”
“Why don’t you tell him that?” Ivy asks gently.
“I’m worried about him,” I admit. “He already looks like he’s struggling, and I don’t want to add to his stress. He hasn’t had an easy life, and the MC pulled him out of a dark place. They’re his family, and I know how important family is to him.”
Ivy lets out a heavy breath. “Yeah, he’s been keeping his distance and going to bed early. You can tell something’s wrong when Twitch skips dinner. The men must know something’s up, but they’re probably thinking it’s got to do with dealing with Mercedez.”
My chest burns at the thought of Twitch being miserable.
“I’m stuck,” I whisper, my voice trembling.
“The clubhouse was my safe place, and now, with Mercedez, it feels like I can’t go back.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells, afraid that one wrong look or conversation will push her over the edge and she’ll tell Reaper. It’s exhausting.”
“You’re always welcome here,” Ivy says firmly. “But I get where you’re coming from. Have you and Twitch thought about just saying ‘screw it’ and telling everyone? Dealing with whatever comes after?”
The thought of losing my brother sends a shiver down my spine. “It’s a big deal. I have no one else left, and Twitch has only his mom and his brother.”
“You’ll always have me and Ava,” Ivy says, her voice full of conviction.
“But you’re part of the club,” I counter. “If the club disowns me, they might not let you associate with me.”
She huffs. “No one tells me who I can and can’t talk to.”
She has a point. The women in the club aren’t pushovers. The men like to think they’re in control, but the women are the real backbone.
“Don’t write Twitch off just yet,” Ivy says. “If he means that much to you, hold on a little longer.”
* * *
Twitch
I came straight back to the clubhouse, where Mercedez was waiting for me.
She was all smiles, acting like everything was perfect.
I let her sleep in my bed, not wanting to cause a scene, but I warned her that I wasn’t feeling well to avoid having to have sex with her.
The look in Milly’s eyes when I left her house last night keeps haunting me.
All I wanted to do was stay. The thought of running away with her, far away from here, felt like a good idea, but Milly has her career and family here.
She has a life. I can’t take that away from her.
I was up the rest of the night, and the lack of sleep is taking a toll on me.
It’s not just the exhaustion—it’s the stress.
The constant pressure is suffocating, and I know it’s only a matter of time before the lack of sleep starts affecting my epilepsy.
I need to take better care of myself, but how can I when everything feels like it’s falling apart?
Yes, I interrupted Milly’s date last night, and for good reason. If I can’t have her, no one can. I know she deserves someone like Edward—someone stable, someone who can give her the life she deserves. But the thought of her being with him makes my soul wither and die. I can’t let it happen.
Now Mercedez is sitting on my lap while we watch TV, and I feel utterly disgusted.
It’s like I need to scrub my skin raw just to get rid of the feeling.
Everything about this feels wrong. Her touch repulses me.
I’ll never get over Milly, and I’ll never forgive Mercedez for what she’s done.
All of this—her manipulation, her threats—it’s all for what? To be an ol’ lady?
Cash walks past, and I seize the opportunity to get Mercedez off me. “I need to get up and ask Cash to get you a cut,” I say quietly.
She jumps up with a beaming smile, her excitement making my stomach churn.
Just thinking about spending my life with her .
. . it’s dark, but maybe I’ll need a knife for myself.
I shake my head, trying to push the thought away.
I’ve been spending too much time with Demon—his dark humor is rubbing off on me.
“Cash, do you have a minute?” I call out while he’s going up the stairs.
He stops and turns, his expression curious. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?”
I hesitate, my throat feeling tight and my tongue heavy. My body is rejecting the words before I even say them. But I have to do this. Cash patiently waits.
“Can you . . .” I pause, swallowing hard. “Can you get Mercedez a cut for being my ol’ lady?”
Cash’s eyes widen. “Since when has she been your ol’ lady?”
“Since . . .” I trail off, my mind racing for an excuse. “Just recently.”
He gives me a skeptical look. “I don’t get involved in people’s relationships, but as your friend . . . are you sure this is the right thing to do?” He scrunches up his nose, like he can’t even believe what he’s hearing.
In my head I’m screaming, No, this is not the right thing to do! But I force a smile, my muscles tense with the effort. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Cash doesn’t look convinced. “Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me. For your own good, I’ll let you sit on it for a bit. You haven’t even told the club yet.”
Milly needs her brother. He is her world. “No,” I say with more confidence, “I’m sure.”
He grimaces, clearly not buying it. “Okay, I’ll order it for you. But you have to tell the club.”
I nod. I don’t have it in me to do it today. “I’ll ask for a club meeting tomorrow.”
He scratches his head, his expression still doubtful. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a shit decision.”
I chuckle, though there’s no humor in it. But what can I say? Yes, I know.
He shakes his head and walks away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I head back to the lounge, my mind racing.
How am I going to convince the club that I’m in love with Mercedez?
Axle, Reaper, and Bomber will see right through it.
They know me too well. But I don’t have a choice. I have to come up with something.
Maybe I should tell Reaper I had sex with his sister. Surely death would be easier than the life I will have to endure with Mercedez.