Chapter 22 #3
“I am in love with you,” she repeated, her voice steadier this time.
“That is why this is so entirely intolerable. It is difficult for me to keep hearing you speak this way, Nathaniel. I am a woman who reads meaning into everything you do. Every time you rush to my defense, every time you are gentle or show the slightest hint of affection, it only increases what I feel. It builds a hope that is entirely false, and it is not helping.”
She took a ragged breath, stepping back to look up at him.
“If you truly wish to keep the bridge between us the way it is, if you want to maintain the distance you explicitly demanded, then you must stop doing things like this. You must stop saying things that make me feel this way. I was prepared to continue being the wife you expected me to be. I am trying to accept the fact that you do not love me back, and I am telling myself that it is all right. But you are making it impossible for me to abide by the very rules you set for your own happiness.”
Before she could draw another breath, he closed the small distance between them and practically arrested her with a kiss. His hands came up, framing her face with a desperate possessiveness, Euphemia’s breath was seized from her throat. His fingers tangling in the curls at her temples.
Euphemia gasped against his mouth, a soft moan escaping her throat, but the sound was instantly caught and consumed by him.
Nathaniel deepened the kiss with a hungry passion that made her knees turn to water.
His hands slid down from her face, his fingers gripping her shoulders before traveling down her back, wrapping around her waist to pull her close against his body.
He held her so tightly, molding her curves against his chest, that she felt as though she were about to fuse into one single being with him under the shadow of the hedges.
They were breathing each other in, their mouths moving together in one rhythm, exchanging soft, breathless moans that echoed in the space around them. The taste of him, the sheer heat of his skin, and the wild racing of his heart against her own shattered every boundary she had tried to build.
Any thought of rules or restraint dissolved completely.
Euphemia reached up, her hands trembling as she dug her fingers deep into the thick hair at the nape of his neck, pulling him closer, responding to his hunger with a matching passion of her own.
She kissed him back completely, pouring all the heartbreak, love, and longing of the past weeks into the embrace, matching the desperate pressure of his lips until they were both completely breathless.
When the intense heat of the embrace finally broke, Euphemia immediately clutched at the lapels of his evening coat, her fingers twisting tightly into the fine fabric.
Internally, she prayed he would not let her go just yet, terrified that because she had not yet found her footing, she might fall if he relaxed his grip.
Nathaniel kept his arms securely wrapped around her waist, holding her flush against his chest. Euphemia looked up at him, her heart hammering wildly.
A part of her hated how desperately she had needed that kiss, and she hated that she still needed him now, because the lingering doubts still cast a shadow between them.
Nathaniel let out a rough, shaky breath, resting his forehead gently against hers.
“I am sorry,” he murmured into the small space between them.
“I know I have seemed like an enigma to you, but the only reason I have acted this way is because I am utterly confused too. I have never felt these kinds of feelings before, Euphemia. I was raised to believe that a man in my position could never afford distractions, and I have lived my life by that rigid rule. You cannot blame me if I was terrified to try.”
He paused, his grip tightening on her waist as if he were afraid she might vanish into the night air.
“If I am to give myself to you, the way I truly feel inside, then I cannot afford to lose you at all,” he confessed. “You would have to deal with me forever, because if you were to leave, it would completely break me.”
Nathaniel lifted his head, looking down at her.
“Over the past few weeks, the silence I thought would be good for the both of us has been absolute torture. I have not been able to withstand it. In truth, I have not done a single piece of valuable, substantial work since the day we had that conversation. That is how bad it has been. Every time I wake up in the morning, you are the first person I think about. Every time I go to sleep, I am thinking about our argument and the terrible fact that you are not speaking to me. I know well that I asked for it. It is exactly what I wanted, but I cannot bear it any longer. Everything has changed.”
He took a deep, stabilizing breath. “I am really, truly in love with you, Effie.”
He paused to look down for a brief second before a soft smile touched his lips.
“Forgive me... that is the first time I have ever said those words out loud, and I have never been more sure of anything. I love you so much. I love everything about you. I love how inquisitive you are, how curious you are, and how widely read you are. I love how selfless you are, and how you are just so effortlessly good with everything. You are such an addition to my life, Euphemia, because every time we talk, you leave me thinking. You make me want to be a better man. I want to know why you like the things you like, why you say the things you say, why you love the things that you love.”
He let out a rough chuckle. “It might sound strange, but if I must argue with you for the rest of our days just to hear your voice, then I am entirely willing to do that. It is simply too nice to be with you.”
Euphemia listened, her chest aching with a mixture of profound relief and lingering caution. She looked deep into his eyes. “How am I to know that you will not take your words back tomorrow? How do I know you will not retreat behind your walls again?”