15
I wake to a bone-chilling text from my mother.
Mum : Caleb said he’s excited to meet your new man, though Violet mentioned that she hadn’t seen anything on Instagram about him. Apparently, that means it’s not really official? Any pics to share?
I stare at it for about fifteen minutes, just laying on my back, still in bed, dismissing my alarm every five minutes and panicking. Like, what the fuck???
Firstly, why is Tilda’s mother getting involved and trying to ruin my ruse? Her own daughter is marrying a guy she’s been with for twelve years and I can count on one hand the number of social media posts she has up featuring Dan. Secondly, and rather more pressingly, why is my mum spending enough time with my ex to tell him about my date?
I eventually screenshot the message and send it to both Emme and Miles. Emme responds with a middle finger emoji and then creates a group chat with Miles and me in the time it takes me to get up .
To: Delaney Morrison, Miles Stuart
Emme : This is code red.
And underneath is the screenshot I sent.
I don’t know how she manages it since she’s already at work and likely very busy, and I’d like to know when she followed Miles on social media.
Before I have finished reading the first message, she sends a follow-up.
Emme : Major damage control is needed. I’m thinking of a soft reveal, a story maybe?
I am slightly concerned by how seriously she is taking this. She joked last night that she was going to put it in her portfolio as a job well done.
My phone buzzes and I see Miles has responded in much the same batshit way.
Miles : Agreed. Could even just be a passive vid?
Emme : Good idea, then it doesn’t look forced.
My eyes widen as I wait for the kettle to boil, hoping beyond hope that the coffee either gets me on the same level as them or at least helps me understand the urgency.
Delaney : I’m not even that active on social media, I don’t think it’s weird.
Emme : You posted a picture of three pigeons yesterday and captioned it ‘fuck, marry, kill,’
Delaney : Your point?
Emme : You’re far too active on social media.
Miles : That post made me laugh on the most silent train home though.
Emme : Nobody is saying she isn’t funny, Miles
Delaney : Lol, okay. We’ll do a weird soft reveal to pacify my fucking family.
Emme : Today?
Miles : Too soon, maybe Saturday? Feels more natural
*
On Saturday morning, Emme wakes me up far too early and begins listing all the ways I can ‘accidentally’ get Miles into a photograph or video on my Instagram story. She claims she is ‘the artistic director of this fake relationship,’ And by the time she’s done listing all the ways I could get his arm into a picture of a latte, I’m thankful she decided not to come.
Miles sent me the address to his shop yesterday and it’s not too far, so I decide to walk. A decision I immediately regret when I remember I live in London with ten million other people and every single one of them is out on the streets today.
I am sweating and tired when I arrive at the picturesque florists. I can make out Miles inside. He’s grinning at an elderly woman as she speaks to him. He picks a rose and she shakes her head before pointing to the carnations next to them. Miles nods, adding them to the colourful bouquet he’s putting together.
After a minute, I realise I am just standing and staring in the window, so I push through the door and a little bell overhead rings. Miles looks up and breaks into his wolfish grin.
“I’ll be one sec,” he says to me and then turns back to the customer.
I nod and then begin mooching around the shop. It smells as good as all florists do and is brimming with flowers of every colour and variety. A set of free-standing shelves at the front is home to succulents and cacti, and then a few bigger house plants sit next to them. I browse the different varieties for a while and then turn to the rest of the shop.
In the back corner, there is a stand with a range of gift cards.
I go over to look at it and see most of them are hand-drawn and entirely unique. I pick one up and look at the back. It says ‘hand drawn in London by Miles Stuart.’ I grin, looking back at the front. It’s a cartoon of a man giving his wife a bouquet of flour. I chuckle and then put it back.
The doorbell rings, announcing the departure of the woman, and I turn to Miles.
“I didn’t know you made cards too,” I say .
“I like drawing the little cartoons,” he says, looking a little sheepish.
I smile, “I love them,” I say and take pride in the way his grin widens ever so slightly.
He looks like he’s about to say something when he’s interrupted by a girl coming out of the back. She has bright blue hair cropped into a severe bob and is carrying a box. Another painfully cool girl in Miles’s life. Like, seriously, did they all have a meeting and decide to only be friends with other cool people?
“Miles, man,” she yells, “I’ve told you like twenty times to stop leaving the boxes of new paper right outside the toilet. I’ve just fallen straight over it,”
Miles turns to her, “Sorry,” he says, “Avery, come meet Del,”
The girl, Avery, looks at me and beams, “Oh my God,” she says, “I’m so excited to meet you,”
She drops the box on the counter and rushes forward, pulling me into a hug. She’s tiny, even smaller than most people are compared to me, and it’s like I am hugging my niece, but it’s nice all the same. She pulls back, “Miles told me all about how he roped you into this fake dating thing like some kind of romcom,”
“I think the roping was mutual,” I say, winking at Miles.
He laughs and Avery grins, “He was very mea culpa when he told me, ”
I laugh, “Well, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to it if I didn’t have an ex I needed to intimidate at a wedding too,”
Avery chuckles, “I think it’s a fantastic idea,” she says, “Miles has awful taste in girls but you seem relatively normal,”
“The term relatively is key here,” Miles mutters, “You’ve not seen her when she hears the first beats of a Nicki Minaj song,”
I stick my tongue out at him, “I’m still taking the compliment,”
*
Avery gets in on the Social Media Reveal and we have fun messing around in the shop, interrupted only by a steady flow of customers whom Miles is undeniably sweet to, but by 5 pm, we still don’t have anything that doesn’t look staged.
“You could always just send your mum a picture of Miles pretending to be asleep in his bed,” Avery says, as she’s grabbing her stuff to go home for the day.
Miles snorts, “Yeah, do you think your mum would be okay with that?”
I laugh, “I don’t know, I think she might think that’s trying a bit too hard,” I say, and then I add, “Unlike the nearly four hours we’ve spent here today trying hard,”
Miles laughs, “Hey, it’s all for a good cause,”
Avery shakes her head, “Anyway,” she says, “It was really great to meet you, Del. I’m off to bully my girlfriend into ordering Dominoes,”
She leaves and I am left alone with Miles.
I lean on the counter and look at him, sitting on a stool and watching the door close behind Avery.
“Do you think we might be taking this slightly too seriously?” I ask him.
He snorts, “Entirely, I’m having fun though,”
“Me too,” I say, “Hopefully, this silly amount of effort will be helpful,”
He nods, “So, you want your ex intimidated?” he asks, smirking a little.
I frown, “I don’t really know what I want,” I admit, sighing and standing up, “Honestly, I just want to go home and not have everyone think I’m pathetic,”
He watches me for a second, frowning and then asks, “Why did you and Caleb break up again?” as if he knows I haven’t really told him the whole story.
I look at the floor. I’ve been putting off telling him because I know how it makes me look. I will become unbelievably pathetic to him. The girl whose boyfriend cheated on her for a full year.
I sigh, “He, uh, well he cheated,”
Miles frowns, “What a dick,”
I nod, “Yeah. He’s still with her. She’ll be at the wedding,” I add .
Miles’s eyes widen, “Hang on, this was like a long-term thing? Not a fling? Or a ‘mistake’?” he says, doing the air quote things around ‘mistake’ as if he doesn’t believe that’s really an excuse anyway.
I nod again, “The entire last year of uni,” I say, “I moved to Manchester for university, even though I could probably have stayed at home and commuted. Anyway, it was all fine, or I thought it was, and then a friend of a friend saw him with some girl. Turns out he’d been sleeping with the girl who worked in the Tesco down the road from my parents for a year,”
Miles shakes his head, “Well, he sounds like a fucking idiot,”
I smile, “That’s what everyone says, but really, he found someone better for him and moved on. I guess, I just wish he had told me before cheating,” I say because I have spent a long time rationalising his behaviour and this is truly all I can come up with for the reason he did it. And if it is the reason, then that’s fine. I wasn’t right for him, he found someone who was. Would have been nice if it weren’t during our relationship but we don’t all get what we want, do we?
Miles frowns, “Why is she better?”
I shrug, “I don’t know,” I say, “I don’t know her more than the few words I spoke when I went into Tesco. But it makes sense that if he found something better that he would want to leave, you know, ”
Miles’ frown deepens, “Men don’t cheat because there is something lacking in their partner. It’s because there’s something lacking in themselves,”
I raise an eyebrow, “That was poetic,” I say with a chuckle. Many, many people have reiterated that sentiment to me, but I just don’t buy it. I don’t need to tell Miles that though.
“Well, we can make him jealous soon,”
I shake my head, “Why would he be jealous?” I ask, “Realistically, he’s been with the girl he chose over me for six years and I have been single. It’s not like I’m winning, is it?”
I see Miles’ face droop, as though he’s saddened by what he hears and I suddenly feel pitied again, like that stupid girl finding out the guy she was in love with was in love with someone else and just forgot to mention it.
I suddenly feel ridiculous for saying that. What was I thinking? Miles doesn’t need to try and make me feel better, he just needs to be hot and pretend to be my boyfriend so Caleb thinks I, too, have finally managed to find someone who suits me better than he did.
“Wow, sorry,” I say, grinning even though it hurts, “I got real depressing then,”
Miles shakes his head, “No, it’s good I know now,” he says, “And for the record, I’ve only known you a few weeks but I know for a fact your ex is a huge idiot, whether he realises it or not,”
I smile, “Thanks,” I say, “Now, back to faking an entire relationship so that he doesn’t think I’m sad and lonely,” I add with a chuckle.