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Tinder guy #1 : Hey, Delaney. That’s a cool name.
Delaney : Thanks, I always kind of hated it.
Tinder guy #1 : But it’s so cool?
Delaney : Hard to spell.
Tinder guy #1 : Fair. I suppose something like Sarah would also be easier to find on those stickers.
Delaney : Exactly!
Tinder guy #1 : So, what do you do Delaney?
Delaney : I work in podcast production, you?
Tinder guy #1 : That’s so cool. I always thought me and my friend would make great podcast hosts. We planned it out once. We’d talk about all the ways guys can pick up girls. Give them tips and stuff. Tell them things to avoid, things girls like.
*Unmatched*
Tinder guy #2 : Why don’t girls ever make the first move on this app? Do you think you’re better than us, or is it that you actually want to be charmed and seduced by men? Feminism tells you that you don’t but it seems like you all do really .
*Unmatched*
Delaney : Hey, your tattoos are so cool.
Tinder guy #3 : Thanks! I have some Scandi heritage so I really leaned into it.
Delaney : Very cool.
*Left on read*
Tinder guy #4 : Would you rather sleep on a lilo or a futon?
Delaney : Lilo, hands down
Tinder guy #4 : Right?? My brother just said I should have bought a futon for him and his wife to sleep on while they were here.
Delaney : I thought this was hypothetical
Tinder guy #4 : Nope, I’m trying to prove something to my brother
Delaney : But with context, I’d say I agree with him
Tinder guy #4 : Why though?
Delaney : Two people is too many for a lilo unless it’s a double one. How long are they staying?
Tinder guy #4 : Oh, they’re living here while their house gets done.
Delaney : Feel like the futon was the best option
Tinder guy #4 : You’re the fourth girl today to say that, have you all been speaking to my brother
Delaney : Yep. We had a meeting this morning
Tinder guy #4 : I knew it.
*
Tinder guy #4 : Would you rather have instant coffee or for me to buy you coffee every morning?
Delaney : Is this another real situation?
Tinder guy #4 : Yes. For context, my brother claims instant coffee sucks and that I should go to the coffee shop next door every day
Delaney : I do love good coffee. How about a compromise? Invest in a French press and buy ground coffee.
Tinder guy #4 : Delaney, you are a truly wise person.
Delaney : I know
*
Tinder guy #4 : Would you rather go out for drinks or grab lunch?
Delaney : I think you should just let your brother plan your days, to be honest
Tinder guy #4 : I was asking you out
Delaney : Oh fuck, sorry
Tinder guy #4 : Hahaha, sorry. I’ve just used you as an agony aunt, figured you were pretty cool and we should use this app for what it’s actually for
Delaney : Okay, um, drinks?
Tinder guy #4 : Good choice