76. DATE 15/5/30
FOCAL ANIMAL: BERTRAM’S REGRET AND GUILT NICKNAME: APOLOGY
WEIGHT: INCREDIBLY HEAVY LENGTH: IMMEASURABLE
NOTES: ***ATTN: H: You don’t have to read this until you’re ready. But you called me out on something – and you were right – I never told you how I felt. I never shared with you my hurt or my worries or my fear. I don’t want to make that same mistake again.
Here’s how I’m feeling: ashamed. Deeply ashamed that I would ever doubt you. I can’t take back my really poor judgment. I can’t unwind the clock, as much as I wish I could.
There’s another thing you told me: that if you knew that’s how I felt, if you knew how hurt I was, you would have apologized on hands and knees.
I have the privilege of knowing I hurt you, because you’re a better communicator than I am.
And I will raise you that. I would crawl to you on my hands and knees through broken glass to apologize.
I would do a PhD, not by research, but in an actual university.
I would never do fieldwork again. Anything it took to show you how sorry I am, I would do it.
If there’s anything I can do, tell me. If there’s anything you need from me, including my absence, I will grant it to you, no questions asked. I will never stop regretting my actions. I will never stop caring about you. – B***