79. Helena
Helena
The morning of her birthday, Helena woke up in Bertram’s tent alone.
Which wasn’t her favorite way to wake up, admittedly.
But she still felt the jitters of butterflies (or perhaps leopardopterans, unclear and unimportant) in her stomach, knowing that Bertram’s absence was due to whatever fantastic plans he had for her.
She walked out of her tent half-expecting breakfast to be laid out for her, or perhaps it could more accurately be called brunch; Bertram had clearly taken care of Lovey that morning for Helena to have gotten to sleep in this late.
Instead, the breakfast table was empty except for a single piece of paper, on which was written:
“Ursine yip”—Jeff
In much smaller writing, Bertram wrote “hint on back,” which Helena was both pleased and insulted by.
It was admittedly clever for Bertram to find an anagram with double meaning, since an “ursine yip” absolutely seemed like a sound that a baby owl-bear could make.
However, since they didn’t know anyone named Jeff but did have a Jeffrey pine in the area, it took Helena all of ten seconds to unscramble the anagram of “Pinus jeffreyi.”
Helena flipped the paper over, just in case. On the back was simply the word “vanilla,” which happened to be the scent given off by the Jeffrey pine.
She headed over to the largest Jeffrey pine near basecamp, where she saw Bertram throwing a stick to Lovey, which Lovey repeatedly brought back to him.
Bertram looked up and smiled broadly when Helena approached.
“Tell me—did I stump you even a little?” he asked.
Helena’s lips twisted into a half-smile. “The fact that I understood what you were alluding to means it was a clear and clever clue.”
“Very diplomatic.” Bertram leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. “Happy birthday.”
Bertram grabbed a large picnic basket with one hand and reached out to Helena with the other.
“Ready?” he asked.
Helena was about to ask him ready for what, but she realized it didn’t matter—wherever it was Bertram was going to lead her, she would take his hand and follow.
So, she did, Lovey excitedly trailing behind at their feet, every once in a while veering off the path to chase a bird or a lizard or even a leopardopteran, including one very adorable yojerboa scrub who disappeared into thin air when Lovatch got too close.
The answer to where Bertram was leading Helena turned out to be a lake a fair ways up from base camp, a larger lake than the one where she first saw V-1, but with the same crystalline water and surrounding lilies.
Bertram laid out a blanket and gestured for Helena to sit as he began unpacking the picnic basket. There was a thermos of coffee for each of them, freshly chopped fruit, and mini waffles and mini pancakes.
“Originally I was going to do one large pancake for you so I could write ‘happy birthday’ on it,” Bertram explained, “but I figured the option to have either pancakes or waffles was more important to you than reading something I can just say to you. So. ‘Happy birthday,’ I say again, and you can have waffles and pancakes.”
Helena kissed him again, and figured she was going to be reacting to a lot of his plans that way if they were all so thoughtful.
Lovey chased a periarmadillo metalmark in circles until she was tired enough that she passed out happily in a clump of cattails across the lake.
“Do you know what I thought when I saw you walking up the hill mountain first night?” Bertram asked when they had finished their lunch.
“ ‘Oh fuck, what’s that horrible bitch doing here?’ ” Helena suggested.
Bertram smiled guiltily. “Well. You’re not too, too far off base with that . . .”
“Happy birthday to me.” Helena playfully bumped Bertram with her shoulder.
“But other than that!” Bertram said. “I thought, ‘how is she even more beautiful than I remember?’ ”
Helena rolled her eyes.
“I mean it,” Bertram said, sincerely. “It hurt to look at you. Silhouetted against that sunset, you looked like . . . an angel and my nightmares all rolled into one. I was torn between not being able to look at you and not being able to take my eyes off you. I thought I was going to go insane.”
“I know what you mean,” Helena said.
“What did you think when you first saw me?” Bertram asked.
“Well, based on your expression, I thought that Dr. J had probably stretched the truth when she implied you knew I was coming and were okay with it.”
Bertram snorted. “That was a fair guess.”
“But I felt the same way. That I couldn’t bear to look at you looking at me like that, but also I couldn’t bear to look away.
I was mad at you because you were mad at me.
But I also couldn’t help . . . I mean, I’d spent so much of my life wanting you that it just felt like a muscle memory thing, where the second I looked at you, I just, I couldn’t stop watching you with that turnip,” she said with a laugh.
“And you were so pissed at me for it, and I couldn’t understand why—I guess if you believed I had a problem with non-humans, you must’ve thought I was gawking somehow. ”
“I thought you were staring at my teeth,” Bertram admitted.
“I was,” Helena said. “I absolutely was. I often am. I think they’re incredibly, incredibly sexy.”
“My teeth?” Bertram sounded incredulous, but Helena was pleased to see that he was blushing a deeper green.
“Yes. Your teeth. All of them.” Helena reached out a finger and gently tapped his bottom tusk. “I think your teeth are my favorite part of you.”
“Oh, really?” Bertram raised an eyebrow suggestively.
“All of you is my favorite part of you,” Helena said quietly, sincerely.
Bertram chuckled. “I don’t know how we got here. This is your birthday—I’m supposed to be the one showering you with compliments.”
“I assure you, this is exactly how I want to be spending my birthday.” Helena kissed him.
Bertram grabbed the back of her head and deepened the kiss.
Helena maneuvered herself into Bertram’s lap, straddling him. She pressed her entire body against him with all the force she could muster, wriggling slightly as she found her purchase.
“Keep that up and you’ll have me fucking you into the mud,” Bertram said.
“Do it,” Helena whispered, unzipping her pants. “Right now.”
Bertram’s eyes went wide. “I meant that as a deterrent!”
Helena swiveled her hips. “I’m not feeling particularly deterred—”
“Damn it, woman!” said Bertram, putting his hands on Helena’s waist to slow her. “I am trying to prove to you that I am serious about cultivating a long-term relationship with you—”
“Prove it to me with your cock,” Helena said, grinding harder against him.
Bertram hissed. “No, Helena. That’s not a good idea.”
“Your cock thinks it’s a good idea,” Helena pointed out, not incorrectly.
“Yeah, well. My cock is being overruled on this one,” Bertram said, though the declaration sounded costly. “I’m not looking to fuck you this second; I’m looking to keep you for as long as I can.”
“You said you were waiting until my birthday!” Helena protested.
“I said after your birthday,” Bertram said through gritted teeth. “This isn’t after. This is barely the beginning! You just finished breakfast.”
“And now I want you for dessert.” Helena batted her eyelashes and bucked against him harder.
“No! There’s actual dessert later!” Bertram grabbed her hands in his. “I will absolutely not be touching you. Now stop that!”
Helena immediately went still. “ ‘Actual stop’ or ‘play stop?’ ”
“Play stop.” Bertram said, “but I will make you regret it if you come.”
Helena considered this for a moment, then shrugged and stuck her hand down her pants. “I’ll take my chances.”
And Bertram looked on in a mixture of arousal, frustration, and awe as Helena got herself off, grinding against his lap as she did so.
When Helena opened her eyes, coming down from her orgasm, she saw that Bertram’s eyes were screwed tightly shut, and he was muttering to himself.
“You alright?” Helena asked, laughing a little.
Bertram exhaled. “I’m reciting facts about mudphoenixes.”
“Jeez, really?” Helena shook her head. “I feel like that would just get me more hot and bothered.”
“I’m specifically thinking about how they eat mud to grow an exoskeleton, then shed the mud exoskeleton, then eat the mud exoskeleton,” Bertram said.
“That’s still knowledge,” Helena said. “Knowledge is sexy.”
Bertram pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, knowledge is not sexy. Nothing is sexy. There is no sex. There has never been sex. We all reproduce like the immortal sea jelly.”
“Please stop talking about obscure invertebrates, or I’m going to get hot and bothered all over again,” Helena warned.
Despite the vast amount of knowledge on uncharismatic creatures between the two of them, they managed to make their way down the mountain without Bertram breaking his promise of temporary abstinence or Helena further tormenting him.
“Full disclosure,” Bertram said, “I brought you up here because it’s beautiful, and I genuinely thought it would be a nice place for a picnic . . . but I also wanted to get you out of basecamp so that Diana could help set up a few things up for me.”
“Diana’s part of this too?” Helena said, with delight.
“She is. But she’s not quite finished yet, so I’m going to have to ask you to close your eyes while we go through camp.”
“Then how am I going to—?”
Helena shouldn’t have bothered asking, because Bertram immediately picked her up and threw her over his shoulder as she shrieked with laughter.
She didn’t open her eyes until she was safely back in their tent.
“I’m going to swap out with Diana,” Bertram said. “So, she’ll hang with you while I get ready.”
Helena’s lips twitched as she stifled a smile. “Bertram, I am capable of being alone for a few hours, even on my birthday. You don’t need to arrange for around-the-clock entertainment.”
“I know, but”—Bertram waved a hand—“you’ll see. Diana! She’s all yours!”
Bertram pressed a kiss to Helena’s cheek and then ducked out of the tent as Diana came bounding in.
“Happy birthday, birthday girl!” she said, flinging her arms around Helena.
“Thank you,” Helena said, beaming.