Chapter Eleven #3
Before another debate could break out, Tom raised his hands and made a “calm down” motion. “As far as I know, there are no other big secrets. And of course, your A isn’t in danger for being straight, or we wouldn’t all be after Breezy to take an A as well.”
A chortle went around the room, as if Chris were so obviously not queer in any way that the mere idea of him being part of the community made everyone roll around with laughter.
He swallowed hard around the sudden, unexpected hurt.
People could laugh at him all they wanted; it had been happening his whole life, and he’d learned not to care.
Usually, people made fun of him for good reason, and he had no problem owning up to whatever it was.
This time, it made anger and shame curdle in his gut.
He looked over to Luca, who stared into his drink, not reacting at all to the idea of Chris being queer.
That wasn’t right.
He’d had Luca’s dick in his mouth less than an hour ago—why didn’t Luca frown or disagree or something? Chris might not know what the right word for him was, but “straight” couldn’t be it anymore.
“But my A is in danger,” Hayes said when everyone had recovered from the very funny and not at all mean joke.
“If you say more racist shit or out anybody to the press,” Jax told him.
“If you do, the A will be the least of your worries,” Luca said pleasantly. He stared at Hayes, unblinking. “I will use your balls for target practice.”
Hayes shuddered. “Call off your guard dog, Breezy. I’m not going to do anything. I might not know shit about the—the gay agenda or whatever, but I’m not evil.”
Luca shrugged. “One cannot be too clear about how to deal with homophobes. Besides, the goal is a very big target. Better to practice using something tiny, such as your dick.”
Chris shifted in his seat. Mara leaned over Mooney to clink her glass against Luca’s, so no one was looking at him, and he used the opportunity to grab a pillow to cover his lap.
His body had suddenly remembered his earlier, unfulfilled arousal, and his cock had plumped up a little.
He wished he’d kept the Chewbacca costume on, rancid alcohol smell or no.
His jeans were loose, but no pants were that loose.
When did Luca threatening people become hot?
And how could Hayes call Luca his guard dog and not guess that whatever was between them didn’t qualify as straight behavior?
It didn’t make any sense. Besides— “I think Luca has more cat energy going on.”
“Soaking wet, pissed-off alley cat,” Mooney agreed.
Everyone laughed, which made Chris feel a little bad, but at least Luca laughed too. They were all still smiling when Howie came in from the kitchen.
“Party’s going strong here, huh?” he asked.
“Kid, you missed the reveal of the century.” Hayes threw back the rest of his whiskey.
Tom tensed up.
Jax smacked Hayes over the head. “What did we just talk about.”
“You said the press, not the team!”
“Guys,” Howie said slowly. “What’s going on?”
“How did it go with Dmitriyev?” Mooney asked, which was a relevant question and a bad distraction technique.
Howie shrugged. “Fine, I guess. I apologized for calling him a stupid fuck; he said some stuff about how things are different in Russia. He went home, by the way.”
“Good,” Tom said with an encouraging smile. “I’m glad you two worked it out.”
“Yeah, okay, but what happened here?”
Tom bit his lip, clearly unwilling to say anything himself. It couldn’t be because Howie had used the word “queer” as an insult last year, could it? He’d apologized to everyone.
“I think you should tell him,” Chris tried.
All eyes snapped to him.
“I think it would help?”
Mara elbowed Mooney in the side, and he stared at her for a second before jerking his head silently in understanding of whatever secret couple message she’d sent him.
“Uh, I think now you have to,” Mooney said. “He knows something’s up.”
“Guys?” Howie asked. The Peter Pan costume made him look paler than usual. He didn’t need help looking younger, but the dim lighting in the den tried its best to achieve the feat.
Jax heaved a put-upon sigh. “Tom and I are dating.”
“And I married Phil in February.” Ben raised his hand.
Howie blinked. His mouth dropped open.
“Also, I am bisexual,” Luca added. “But single.”
That didn’t sit right with Chris. He knew it was true, but it felt wrong to hear, uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Luca should have someone. He’d be such a good partner—he planned the best friendship dates for Chris.
The thought of him putting in even more effort for someone he actually liked made Chris’s stomach clench, so he turned to Howie to see his reaction.
He glared at Chris. “You knew?”
Chris shrugged. “Yeah.”
“And you let me go on and on about coming out and whether I should and how hockey players are straight as fuck and didn’t say shit?”
“I tried to let you know you were safe to come out,” Chris said. “I couldn’t just tell you—”
“Yeah, no.” Howie shook his head. “You let me think I was in this alone, you fucker. Do you know how that feels?”
“I—”
“Fuck this.” Howie turned on his heel and left the room. The door slammed shut less than a minute later. He hadn’t even changed out of his costume.
Chris blinked back tears building sudden and hot in his eyes. “I can’t go after him this time.”
“Maybe we give him some time to cool off,” Phil suggested. “And sober up.”
“We could all use a good night’s sleep,” Tom agreed.
“So, Howie’s gay?” Mooney asked. “And he told you?”
Chris nodded. He didn’t dare talk again. He would only cry.
“You should have told one of us,” Jax said. “We could have—”
“You’re not being fair.” A tear slipped out with the words.
“Breezy, listen—” Tom tried to interrupt, but Chris was abruptly sick of all of them.
“No, all of you listen for a change. I didn’t ask to keep all your secrets.
I didn’t ask to be the guy stuck pretending he knows even less than he already does for months at a time to protect you all and protect this team.
I didn’t ask Howie to come out to me and not any of you, and he doesn’t deserve me being careless with his secrets any more than any of you did. ”
A frown line furrowed into the middle of Jax’s forehead.
Chris hated making people feel confused; it was his own least favorite feeling in the world.
He wanted to backpedal and make everyone feel safe and happy again.
But then he remembered Michelle’s earnest questions; Matty’s laughter on the phone when Chris asked if their family had been unhappy; Luca’s insistence that Chris wasn’t wrong for wanting what he wanted and being who he was.
“And another thing,” he said. “You all put me in a really hard position for a really long time. I spent months keeping things from my friends and my—my roommate for you, and then it turns out I didn’t have to?”
Calling Luca his roommate brought back that sense of wrongness, the same as when the others had called Chris straight and Luca single.
Chris couldn’t understand why. They were roommates.
Luca was single. As far as anyone here knew, Chris was straight.
But none of those things were true enough, and Chris didn’t know what to do with that.
“I know you expect me to keep the team working together, and it’s nice you want to give me an A for it.
But I don’t want to be responsible for, like, team spirit when everyone’s keeping secrets this big.
It’s one thing if people want to keep their private lives private, but none of you kept me in the loop about whether you were going to let the team know or how I ought to handle it if you did.
I know I’m not smart, but being treated like an afterthought who’s just around to smooth things over because no one else wants to make an effort makes me feel even stupider.
We’re either the kind of team you call a family, the kind of people who stick together through everything, or we’re a bunch of people who just work together.
You guys needs to make up your minds which it is. ”
No one said anything when he finished. His only answer was Mara’s warm hand patting his shoulder briefly.
“Okay. Well, I guess that’s my answer.” He got up to leave. To his surprise, Luca rose to his feet too.
“Unless you are mad at me as well,” Luca said with half a smile.
“You didn’t make me keep secrets,” Chris said. “And I’m not mad at anyone. I’m…I don’t know, disappointed, I guess. We’re all supposed to be adults and professionals.”