39. Cassie
CASSIE
When I leave the lake house, I don’t know where to go.
I can’t go back to the apartment.
He gave me a sanctuary that came with strings, that tied me to him just like his college contract.
Without him, I have nowhere to go.
My mind is so trauma fogged that my body must go on autopilot because somehow, I end up on my mom’s road.
Humiliation aside, I can’t stay here. It’s the first place Tor would look for me.
I know she would let me come back, but she’d never let me live it down, either. My savior fell through, and I had to come crawling back to her.
I’d rather die from heat exhaustion sleeping in my car.
It might be what I deserve.
My heart is so heavy, I can’t even think of Tim right now. I don’t have any tears left.
I can only think of one place I could maybe go, so I reach into the passenger seat to get my phone out of my purse, but as soon as the screen lights up, my heart stops.
Technically, Tor owns this cell phone.
Not only can he listen in, but he can also track me with it.
I power the phone off and put it back in my purse. I know where Shaley lives from dropping her off after we went shopping, so I’ll just have to show up and hope she’s home.
She probably won’t be.
It’s the fucking Fourth of July. Everyone else is watching fireworks right now.
I’m not sure how long I can wait. I need to be locked behind a barrier of some kind, and the car that belongs to him isn’t going to suffice.
I park the car in her driveway, then walk up to her front door, purse in hand. After I ring the doorbell, I peek inside my purse to make sure my phone is still off. I know I turned it off, but who knows if he has some remote way to turn the fucking thing back on. I should have run it over.
A dog barks on the other side of the door, and a moment later, it opens. Shaley scoops up a mouthy little furball, then pushes the screen door open, surprise splashed across her face.
“Hey,” she says. “What’s up? I thought you were at Tor’s party.” Her expression changes as she gets a better look at my puffy eyes under the porch light and realizes I’m not experiencing blush blindness. I’ve been crying. “Oh no, what happened?”
“I hate to ask, but do you think I could stay here tonight?”
Her eyes widen in surprise, but without hesitation, she steps back to make room for me. “Of course. Come inside.”
“Thank you,” I say softly.
“What did he do?” she asks.
I shake my head. I can’t even put it into words. “I can’t talk about it right now.”
“Okay,” she says, laying a supportive hand on my shoulder, then leaning in to give me a half hug. The dog in her arms doesn’t want to hug me and barks its objection. “Sorry,” she says, bending to put the dog down. “He’s afraid of fireworks, so he’s having a rough night.”
Apparently, we all are.
I watch Shaley close the door, but she only turns the lock on the doorknob. “Can you deadbolt it?” I ask her.
Her eyes widen. She misses a beat, but then she nods and turns the deadbolt. More warily, she meets my gaze again. “Is everything okay?”
I shake my head. “Full disclosure, Tor might come after me. If he does, don’t let him in.
” As soon as the words are out, dread moves through me, and I add, “Well, if he seems… If it feels safe to keep him out. I don’t want to put you in any danger, obviously.
If he’s… if he doesn’t take no for an answer, don’t put yourself at risk. Just let him have me.”
Shaley blinks, obviously stunned by these directions.
“You can tell me to leave,” I say, realizing I probably shouldn’t have come here. “I will completely understand. I can find somewhere else to go.”
“Uh…” She ponders it for just a second, then shakes her head. “No. No, of course I’m not going to ask you to leave because you might be in danger, I’m just confused. Tor is the danger we’re referring to?”
“There’s a lot you don’t know.”
“I see that.”
Every bit of weight I’ve shed recently has landed back on my shoulders in the past half hour, and as I stand here looking at Shaley, I know I owe her explanations, but I’m just so drained and heartbroken, it takes all the energy I have left to stand in her living room.
“Do you think we could talk tomorrow? I want to go to sleep.”
And I never want to wake up.
I can’t do this again.
I can’t bear the weight of all this loss.
Of what I’ve done.
Tears start to well up in my eyes, and Shaley makes a sad face, grabbing me and pulling me in for a hug. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I know how happy he made you.”
Her words cut me open in a way I know she didn’t intend, and I start sobbing on her shoulder. She rubs my back, holding me until my shoulders no longer shake.
Then Shaley takes me to her sister’s bedroom. She tells me her sister doesn’t live here and only stays in it when she’s in town, so the bedding is fresh and to make myself comfortable.
I don’t have the energy, but I don’t want to sleep in Shaley’s sister’s bed all salty from melting in the heat today either, so I force myself to take a shower. It’s a better place to cry, anyway.
Shaley let me borrow a pair of her pajamas, a plain white tee and a pair of pink sleep shorts. I towel dry my hair and put on her pj’s, then I step back into the bedroom and find a surprise visitor waiting for me on the bed.
Sprinkles wiggles his little tail, his paws hanging over the edge of the mattress.
I crack a smile. “Hi. Are we cool now?”
He lets me pet him, then he sniffs my clothes. They probably smell like Shaley, so maybe he takes that as her stamp of approval.
Shaley pops in, shooting him a look. “There you are. Come on, you have your own bed to sleep in.”
He looks down, but it’s a big jump for such a little guy, so I pick him up and put him on the floor. He trots off, and Shaley hangs in the doorway. “Do you need anything before we go to bed?”
I shake my head. “You’ve done plenty. Thank you.”
“Of course. If you think of anything, help yourself to whatever you need.”
“You’re a really good friend,” I tell her. “I don’t deserve you.”
She smiles, but her eyes are sad. “Yes, you do.”
___
Mercifully, I fall into a dreamless sleep.
I don’t have an alarm since I slept without my phone on, so I don’t know what time it is until I get out of bed and wander into Shaley’s kitchen.
She left a note for me on the counter. She had to leave for work and didn’t want to wake me.
She asks if I’d mind taking Sprinkles out to pee before I leave, and she left a spare key with the note.
I smile faintly as I pick it up, wishing I’d opened up to Shaley before Tor urged me to. Having a friend like her might have made the last year just a little more bearable.
Even thinking his name makes me instantly sad, so I shove it out of my mind and go looking for Sprinkles. I find him curled up on Shaley’s bed, then I lure him out with excited noises and gestures. He trots merrily to the front door, and I put on his leash.
I feel a little uneasy about going outside where the people are, and that really brings me back. Fortunately, Sprinkles manages to do his business quickly, and we head back inside.
I have to close today, so I have to head back to the apartment soon. I don’t want to be there long, but all my uniform clothes are there. I don’t want to borrow Shaley’s, especially since she’s at work already and I don’t have a phone I can use to ask her.
I see a grocery list on her fridge, so I use Tor’s credit card to order a grocery delivery.
I wait for it to arrive, then put away the items that need to be refrigerated or stored in the freezer.
I also ordered a box of Milk-Bones, which was not on the list. I leave it on the counter with the bags of non-perishables and a quick note thanking her for letting me stay over.
I know I won’t have access to his credit card for much longer, and he owes me, so I figure I should use it while I can.
Once I’ve put it off for as long as possible, I say goodbye to Sprinkles and lock up Shaley’s house, then I head to the apartment.
Considering Tor didn’t show up there last night, I’m thinking he doesn’t know where Shaley lives, so I want to protect her privacy and don’t turn my phone back on until I get to the apartment. I’m expecting some notifications to populate, but they don’t show up right away.
I drop the phone and my keys on the kitchen counter. Being back here tugs at all my heartstrings. I don’t know how to merge these realities.
Swallowing, I turn back to the counter to check my phone and frown when I see there are still no new notifications. I pick it up and swipe open my messages.
Nothing new has popped up yet. I tap my text chain with Tor. Nothing.
I leave the phone on the counter to charge and head to my bedroom to dig out a clean uniform.
My gaze catches on the notebook lying open on my dresser. Tor never gave my journal back, but he did buy me a new one. I haven’t used it for journaling yet, but the page it’s open on is full of ideas I jotted down when I was brainstorming topics for my personal essay for Calhoun.
A lump forms in my throat.
I close the notebook.
My chest feels tight as I grab my uniform and head to the bathroom to change into it.
Obviously, my plans will have to change, but maybe it’s okay.
I don’t like living in Holbrook, but I like working at Chuck’s Chicken Shack.
I love Shaley and Denise and Josh, and I like almost everyone I work with.
I’ll lose the apartment, of course, but maybe Shaley would be open to having a roommate.
She said her sister doesn’t even use that bedroom, and I could always sleep on the couch or in Shaley’s bed for a night or two when her sister comes to visit.
I don’t want to push myself on her, but maybe I’ll bring it up. Maybe she wants a roommate and just doesn’t know anybody looking.
All I know is I can’t do the last year again, so no matter how much it hurts right now, I have to pick up the pieces of my life this time. I can’t go back to how it was before.
My uniform is on. All that’s missing is the hat. I try not to replay Tor telling me I look cute in it as I pull my ponytail through the hole in the back.
A wave of nausea hits me when my gaze lands on the Dior daisy bracelet on my bathroom sink. I suck in a breath, but I try to take control of it. I close my eyes, breathing in and out several times, nice and slow.
I can do this.
I’ve survived this once. I can do it again.
Before I leave, I head back to the kitchen to grab my phone.
My heart sinks a little when I realize there are still no notifications.
He didn’t text me.
He didn’t call.
There’s not one attempt to reach out to me since I left his house last night.
Numbly, I lean against the counter and try to make sense of that.
Did he turn off my phone service?
Testing out the theory, I shoot Shaley a quick text to let her know Sprinkles was all taken care of, and a minute later, she answers with a “thanks!”
So I do have service.
He just didn’t call.
I’m a little stunned.
A lot stunned, actually.
And I can’t put my finger on why it makes me so sad.
I trusted him. I loved him.
He doesn’t even want to explain himself?
Not that he could, but he’s not even going to try?
Well, fuck him then.
I go back to the bathroom and grab the daisy bracelet, hurling it into the trash can.
“You can go to hell,” I tell him, just in case he’s listening.
Then I decide I don’t want to fucking hear from him, and I turn my phone back off.
My mind races as I drive to work. Nothing about this feels right. By the time I pull in the parking lot, I feel vaguely nauseous.
What if something happened to him?
What if he did come after me last night, but he never made it? It’s a holiday where plenty of people drink and drive. What if he got in an accident?
I shouldn’t even care what happens to him. I don’t care, I tell myself, but it’s too soon to feel like the truth. He conned me into caring, and now my head is just completely fucked.
He’s a liar, and I don’t want anything to do with him.
I also don’t want to think about any of this, and luckily, I don’t have to because it’s time to start my shift.