Chapter 7 #2
“I did. I meant—of course it was. But there wasn’t…” She was rarely at a loss for words. Maybe she’d used up all her word-processing brain power during the negotiation earlier, about what she was having trouble putting definitive meaning to in her feelings.
“You finger-fucked me and I gave you a blow job within an hour of us meeting one another, right?”
“I was there.” A hint of anger slipped through his voice, but she ignored it.
“That could’ve happened in the bathroom of a Hollywood club.”
Cole’s brows rose in what seemed to be genuine surprise. “What bars are you going to?”
“Then we had sex—oral, vaginal, anal. You used a toy on me to make me come. Both of those are kinky, yes, but kink isn’t synonymous with D/s play.”
He studied her silently, that cold irritation that had been present when she first met him slowly returning as if he were pulling on a cloak.
She should shut up. She should stop this conversation because it wasn’t going to help either of them get what they wanted in this moment. Except she hadn’t been able to stop thinking and worrying about this.
“Everything we did last weekend is something an adventurous couple might have tried. A couple who didn’t consider themselves BDSM players.
A couple where one person was acting as the top, but without the level of power imbalance and exchange that would take it over into the realm of dominance and submission. ”
“Let’s say you’re right.” Cole sat forward, elbows braced on the edge of the table. “You’re kinky, but not submissive. That’s only one of the letters of BDSM.”
“There was no bondage. Maybe the nipple play was harsh enough to be considered S&M. Maybe.”
“Again, let’s say you’re right. What changes?”
“I shouldn’t be a member.” She sighed after she spoke, the weight of that thought lessened, now that she’d said it out loud. “It’s a waste of money. I mean, I can afford it, but if I just need kinky sex, this is overkill.” She gestured at the dining room and all the people in it.
He nodded. “I see your point.”
Mara was oddly disappointed that he agreed with her, but she smiled in appreciation for his confirmation of her thoughts.
Cole sat back. “But you’re wrong.”
A little thrill worked through her, though she squared her shoulders and met his gaze. “How so?”
“Fucking a stranger against the wall might be just a kinky normal-person activity. And getting fucked in all your holes one after another.”
Arousal, hot and liquid, pooled in her pelvis, and her nipples hardened behind the satin of her robe.
“But that’s not all we did last week. No one outside the lifestyle would have let me bend her over a stranger’s lap so I could finger-fuck her.”
Her breath caught. It was the one activity that had been a sticking point for her too, but given the totality of what they’d done, she hadn’t wanted to give it too much weight.
“If you had a friend who said her boyfriend liked to fuck in front of a crowd, you might think they were exhibitionists. But if she told you that her boyfriend asked strangers to participate and play with her, you would tell that person that they were in a D/s relationship.
“So tell me, Brown Eyes. What are you trying to do here?”
Mara opened her mouth, but confusion left her mute.
“Was this your plan to manipulate me into giving you a little bondage? Or some rougher power exchange play? Because I was already planning that.”
“No! No, this wasn’t an attempt at manipulating you.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. The audience-participation scene was the one that gave me pause, but…”
“But what?” His voice cracked like a whip, hard and irritated.
“I didn’t like that better than the other parts,” she snapped, matching his energy. “If I’m a true submissive, that scene, which required more trust, more submission, should have been more impactful. It wasn’t. I didn’t like it more or less than anything else.”
“You know that BDSM isn’t one thing. Dominance and submission aren’t binary. There’s no on/off. Switches don’t magically go from full Dom to full sub. There’s a gradient.”
“I know that. But, Cole…what if I just really, really like sex?”
The anger melted, a slow smile taking its place. She sighed, shaking her head a little in anticipation of whatever he was about to say.
“You think you’re a horny slut rather than a submissive?”
“Definitely not the term I would have chosen…”
“A horny fuckdoll, who—” Cole cut himself off. “No, once you use the word doll, we’re talking objectification and using someone like a toy, which is pure BDSM shit.”
“But you see my point,” she pressed. “I’m not saying that my sexual desires and sex drive aren’t on the high end of the range, and well outside normal, but maybe that’s why no one wants to scene with me. They can sense that all I really want is sex, and BDSM is so much more than sex.”
Cole finished his glass of water in two long swallows, then set it down. His tongue swiped over his lower lip, and she watched the motion.
She wanted to kiss him. She wanted him to kiss her.
Another desire that was more normal-people than sub, at least in her mind.
“I think you’re deeply submissive, but it’s hard to get you there. And I think I can prove it to you.”
“Prove it?”
“I have a plan, and with a few tweaks, I think you’ll never question your own submission again.” Cole rose, his plate still half full. He’d changed into his leathers and now pulled the same black gloves from his pocket. He tugged them on with precise movements, then held out his hand.
“Do you want to know how deep your submission runs?”
In answer, Mara placed her hand in his.