Chapter 26 #3
“You did that?” His voice is flat, but not careless the way it usually is.
I don’t answer. I don’t know how.
“W-what happened to y-you?” I say instead, worried despite myself. I don’t even know why. He and I hardly interact.
Kai looks away. His jaw tightens, his gaze shifting to the sky before he exhales sharply and leans his head back against the tree.
“You know, pain won’t make them love you,” he says. “It’ll just prove they never did.”
I suck in a breath, my fingers curling into fists at my sides. “That’s n-not—”
“That’s not what you wanted to hear?” Kai finishes for me, tilting his head slightly. Daring me to lie to myself.
A part of me knows he’s right, that’s why I don’t reply when he says it.
Kai watches me for a long moment, his eyes flickering with something I can’t quite name. Then he shifts slightly, the distance between us closing just a fraction. “If you’re bleeding for them, I recommend you stop.”
I laugh, but it’s humourless, broken. “It’s n-not that simple.”
“No,” Kai agrees, nodding slightly. “It’s not. But it’s possible.”
I force myself to look at him, to meet his eyes, even though I don’t want to. “Why are y-you telling m-me this?”
“Because no one told me,” he says with a shrug.
I hesitate before speaking, unsure if I should even ask. “Did you—?” I ask anyway.
“No. My sister,” he reiterates after a beat.
I stare at him, stunned. Wren. I never would have expected.
I guess nothing is ever really how it seems.
“Was this… when you were s-sent away?” I ask carefully, and his gaze locks onto mine, so intense it makes my breath catch.
“After,” he says simply.
I hesitate, then lower myself onto the ground beside him. The rain has settled into a soft drizzle now.
“I’m s-sorry,” I say, and I mean it.
Kai exhales, shaking his head. “I don’t need pity from you.”
I shut my mouth. Maybe it really is better when I don’t say anything.
For a long moment, we sit in silence. Then, finally, Kai speaks again. “It was an orphanage.”
I turn to him, confused. “Why?”
“Mum was getting worse. He had to send us somewhere,” he says, his voice unreadable. “He wasn’t going to hire another babysitter after last time.”
I nod slowly, understanding exactly what he means.
A few years ago, Gabriel had hired Kai, Wren, and Elliot a babysitter who had taken advantage of Kai and groomed Wren, which she has only recently admitted.
I wasn’t aware of this all, of course, not until Berlin had told me the woman had been arrested on the charges of sexual assault, and exploitation, among other things.
But no one knows what happened at the orphanage.
“What… d-did they d-do to you?” I force out the words, a lump forming in my throat.
Kai doesn’t look at me. Instead, he looks past me, through me, like he’s seeing something that isn’t there. “What did those men do to you?” he says, and I stop breathing.
He knows.
He knows.
I remember the first time like it happened yesterday. Mostly because Berlin had warned me about it earlier that day.
You don’t need to like me. Just lock your doors tonight, P.
That’s what she had said. And I didn’t listen.
“Berlin?” I ask the darkness.
But when the figure finally steps into the light, I see it isn’t my sister.
But a man.
The rain drips from my fingertips, my clothes clinging to my skin, but suddenly I feel hot, suffocated. My chest tightens, and for a moment, I swear the ground beneath me tilts.
“That. And more,” Kai adds quietly.
“H-how?” My voice barely comes out.
Kai turns his gaze back to me then, slowly. And this time, he doesn’t look away.
He lifts a hand, pointing to his ears.
Oh my god.
“W-was it…?” I can’t even finish the sentence. My throat closes around the words.
Kai nods.
“Who else k-knows?” I whisper, already terrified of the answer.
“No one else knows,” he says firmly, but somehow it doesn’t reassure me.
“My bedroom was right next to yours.”
I remember now. I had seen him, coming and going every now and then when the Steele’s would stay over. But I had never thought—never even considered—
I swallow, suddenly nauseous.
We don’t have to say it. What it is he knows, what it is he heard, what it is he experienced. I’d say he understands perfectly well.
Then, after a long moment, he asks, “How many times?”
I bite my lip, trying to fight back the shake in my hands. “A couple,” I say. A lie. A lot.
His fingers twitch slightly, his jaw clenching. “And you still want your family’s approval?”
I exhale shakily. “Is it such a crime,” I whisper, “to want to be seen?”
Kai’s expression doesn’t change. “Being seen by people who don’t love you is just another way to disappear.”
I look down, twisting my fingers together, pressing my nails into my palm.
“Why don’t you speak, Paris?”
My head snaps up so fast it almost hurts.
I know what he means. He doesn’t mean right now. He means in general.
“What?” My eyes practically bulge out of my head, my voice cracking.
“Am I the first to ask?” he asks, gaze steady.
I nod. Because he is. Because no one else has ever cared enough to notice.
He exhales sharply and drags a hand down his face, brushing the rain from his skin. Then, without much thought, he asks, “Is it because of your stutter?”
Damn it. He knows that too.
Not many people do. Mostly because I don’t speak enough for them to realize.
“Partly.”
Kai tilts his head slightly, watching me with mild interest, studying me like I’m something he’s trying to understand. “What does it feel like?”
My hands tighten in my lap. No one has ever asked me that before. I don’t even know how to describe it. Not to him.
I inhale slowly. “Imagine h-h-having something you love… i-in your hands, s-something fragile and precious.”
Kai says nothing, his eyes fixed on mine. This time, he’s not just looking. He’s listening.
I swallow. “B-but e-every time you try and… share it, you crush it instead.”
His lips press into a thin line, crossing his legs over as he leans back. “That sounds like a nightmare.”
I let out a short, hollow laugh. “It is.”
Something in my chest tightens. I open my mouth, but no words come.
But I do smile. Something I haven’t done in a long time. It’s small, but it’s real and for the first time, it doesn’t feel like something I have to force.
Kai doesn’t smile back, but he sees it—I can tell. And somehow, that’s enough.
I can be accepted. I will be. I am not easy to love, but I am still worthy of it. I didn’t realize that until today.
Maybe the people that are the hardest to love are actually the ones who need it the most.