CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Well, the lusty month of May is done and that means June is busting out all over.
Bringing with it the engagement of Tarquin Delaney and Sophie Chatworth-Brown.
Reader, I won’t bore you with the details of Mr Delaney’s new start-up (something about Uber for personal trainers) or Miss Chatworth-Brown’s plans for a ‘Trad Wife’ social media channel.
But I will say, this column may soon hand itself in. I am tired of them all. So very tired.
I’m hungry for something real. Aren’t we all?
Solana joined Raina outside of Liberty, and her enthusiasm was so infectious Raina had to beam right back at her.
‘Let’s get you a dress you can accept an award in!
’ squealed her younger sister, pushing Raina by her ribs into the looming black-and-white building.
Solana’s birthday gift of money towards the dress was what gave Raina the confidence to walk into the beautiful store in search of a dress rather than a cheeky vase.
‘I’m on a budget,’ she told her sister.
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Solana said, waving away the statement. ‘Where are the lifts.’
The two sisters moved to the rather ancient, though very stylish, lifts at the back of the building. Raina laughed as Solana impatiently hit the button several times.
‘They take their own sweet time.’
‘Be nice; they’re old,’ Raina said.
While they waited, she became aware of a young woman staring at them both. She was a member of staff, and Raina was about to assure her that they were all right and not attempting to vandalize the lifts when the woman opened her mouth and let out a noise of astonishment.
‘It’s you!’
Raina smiled, a little uncertainly. ‘Hello.’
‘Oh, my God! You’re her!’
A strong Scottish accent. Peroxide blonde hair and a few piercings that would never be allowed in Harrods but were obviously very welcome in Liberty. Sharp features that were intimidating in a neutral expression but beautiful when she smiled.
‘You’re Tom’s sister?’
‘Yes!’ cried the young woman, grinning widely. ‘Mirren!’
She shook Raina’s hand vigorously. Raina glanced about and then felt instantly foolish. Of course he wasn’t here; he was working. She introduced Mirren to her own little sister and as the lift doors finally opened, Mirren got in with them.
‘Tom mentioned you might come by today,’ she told the two of them as they selected their floor. ‘I’m to take extra special care of you.’
‘Oh, that’s not necessary,’ Raina said, blushing. She never blushed.
‘He insisted. And I want to! He’s like a different man these days.’
Solana snorted and Raina shut her up with a nudge. The doors slid open, and the three women stepped out into the wide level of women’s fashion. Raina swallowed, feeling suddenly nervous. She was a big fan of charity shops and strategic shopping. She wasn’t the type to treat herself very often.
‘This is for the Mondays, right?’ Mirren asked, her voice taking on a serious, business-like tone.
‘Yes,’ Raina and Solana said at once.
‘So . . . formal but fun.’
‘And not too breasty,’ Raina said quietly, gesturing to her chest. ‘I love a strapless, but it’s a risk.’
‘We’ll get options,’ Mirren assured her, and Solana nodded sagely. ‘Come this way.’
Fifteen minutes later, Raina was in a large dressing room while Mirren hung up three different gowns.
‘We have pale-pink satin with a cowl neck,’ she said, placing Option One on the rack. ‘Little black number.’ Option Two. ‘Or sequined halter.’ Option Three.
Raina tried all three on and modelled them up and down the shop floor. Mirren and Solana were sat on some chairs, whispering to one another as they inspected each choice.
‘Cut the black,’ Solana said boldly. ‘Your legs look great but it’s not formal enough.’
‘Agreed,’ Raina said, examining her reflection. ‘What about the pink satin?’
‘My favourite so far,’ Solana said, nodding. ‘But I don’t know . . . something is missing.’
Just as Raina was about to agree with her sister, an older woman with silvery hair and incredibly well-tailored black work clothes appeared on the floor.
She looked quite grave, enough to panic Raina into feeling that she didn’t belong.
The woman took a long, steady look at Raina and then barked out two words.
‘Wait there.’
Raina blinked in confusion, turning to her sister and Mirren.
‘That’s Zailey,’ Mirren said softly, in a voice full of awe. ‘She’s worked here for ever. Knows everything. Never talks to anyone, including customers.’
‘What’s going on?’ Solana laughed nervously.
When Zailey returned, she was carrying a ballgown on a hanger. She handled it with grace and care, as if it were the most precious thing in the shop. She moved by Raina to hang it on the railing of the dressing room. She then stood back, next to Solana and Mirren.
‘Go on then,’ she said expectantly, when Raina just stared at it.
Raina stepped into the dressing room and pulled the curtain behind her.
She shimmied out of her current option and hung it up delicately.
The ballgown was a princess dress, a completely different calibre.
Raina knew she should check the price tag, but she was too afraid to.
She knew this one was perfect already. A full rose-gold skirt of tulle and a bodice that was embroidered with sequins, crystals and little mirrors.
She stepped into the dress, and it slid up her body like liquid.
‘Can someone do the zipper? I’m too nervous, my hands are trembling,’ she called out.
To her surprise, Zailey stepped in. She pulled the fastening of the ballgown up swiftly and efficiently, then knelt down to fluff the skirt properly.
Raina looked at her reflection and felt the beginning of tears.
It was a complex thing. Sometimes, as an autistic woman, doing normal things that other women did all the time made her feel like an imposter.
‘I listen to your show,’ Zailey said from the floor, a quiet admission as she pulled all the layers of the skirt out so it was showing off its full volume.
Raina froze. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. I’m in my fifties now so I was never diagnosed. Never will be, I suppose. But . . . well. Anyway, I love to listen. You make me feel a bit more human. If that makes sense. My daughter helps me catch them on the computer.’
‘Thank you so much,’ Raina breathed, feeling her whole body tighten with emotion. ‘That means a lot.’
They both caught each other’s eye in the mirror, and Raina’s face almost crumpled. It was always harder to pretend around other autistic women.
‘It really does mean a lot,’ she whispered. ‘Because this is all so hard. The sudden attention. Being perceived. I just talk about what it’s like for me and it hits me. Everyone’s feelings.’
Zailey nodded sagely. ‘I can imagine. I see the comments.’
‘One minute, someone says you’re nothing like them and therefore you’re the worst autistic to ever live. They project years of isolation and pain onto you. Then someone says you’re the reason they’re still alive. And you’re scared to open your mouth because you . . . you . . .’
Zailey made soothing sounds as Raina clapped a hand over her mouth.
‘I’m sorry,’ she added. ‘It’s just so much. And so many people . . . so many people don’t understand.’
And I know a shutdown is going to hit soon.
Zailey straightened and held Raina by both shoulders. ‘Then fuck ’em. This is the one. Show up in this, head held high, and make them all stare. Do it for all of us.’
The woman’s tone was gruff but her words made Raina feel embraced. She wiped at her tears and laughed brightly. ‘Thank you, Zailey.’
Zailey nodded once, firmly. Then stepped out of the dressing room, drawing back the curtain to reveal Raina to the sisters. Mirren let out a delighted whoop and Solana burst into tears.
The exact reactions Raina wanted. She did a twirl, and the skirt flew dramatically around her. Her sister was hugging her, and Mirren was jumping up and down, and yes, to an outsider it was a dress. A silly girl getting emotional over a ballgown.
To Raina, it was so much more. Years of ‘you can’t’ and ‘you’ll never’ were being discarded as she stood in the glittering princess dress.
When it was boxed up and the time came to pay, Raina took out her debit card a little shakily.
The dress was a lot more than she’d planned to spend, and her personal account had a lot less in it than her professional one.
The rent she paid was small, but she had plenty of direct debits leaving her bank each month for bills.
She’d no idea if the funds were there and she was too nervous to check her banking app.
‘Let’s pray,’ she said to the three women who stood with her. ‘Please don’t get declined.’
‘Put my discount on it,’ cried Mirren, slamming her employee card down on the till desk.
‘Mine, too,’ Zailey said brashly, doing the same.
‘And this gift card,’ Solana added, slamming her birthday present to Raina down as well.
Raina blurted out a laugh that was almost a sob.
The man behind the till nodded, taking into account all of the other women’s additions.
He then invited Raina to pay. She slipped her card into the machine and punched in her code, before gripping Solana and Mirren’s hands.
The three of them stood staring at the machine, their whole bodies full of tension.
Zailey watched with a blank expression, but she was barely breathing.
In fact, everyone held their breath as the machine connected. Then . . .
‘It went through!’ screamed Solana.
‘It went through!’ bellowed Mirren, a joyous echo.
Zailey beamed and Raina gasped in relief. ‘Miracles do happen!’
The shop assistant laughed. ‘Enjoy the dress.’
‘Thank you,’ Raina said, her breath releasing in a gush as she accepted the purple bag with the ballgown inside.
As she was about to leave, she turned to look at Zailey one last time.
‘What about shoes?’ the older woman called over to her.
She gestured to a pair in the shoe room, adjacent to where they stood. Raina could see a beautiful pair of baby-pink heels with silver flecks. She smiled at how gorgeous they were but shook her head. ‘Can’t afford them. But thank you.’
The dress was so beautiful and gave Raina so much confidence she would happily go barefoot to the Mondays.
‘Thank you, Raina,’ Zailey said as the lift doors were about to close.
‘No. Thank you!’
Raina said the words just before the doors shut neatly in front of her. Solana and Mirren stood at each side, still giddy from the purchase. Zailey’s words would remain private, something between her and Raina.
Solana hugged her older sister, still a little tearful. ‘You looked so beautiful.’
Raina hugged her back and smiled at Mirren.
No matter what happened at the Mondays, right in that moment, Raina felt like she’d already won.