Chapter Two
brEANNA
He’s gone.
Walking up the steps of the cabin, deep down, something tells me I won’t find him here.
Something’s missing. An element in the air around the cabin, maybe.
The little thrill I always get when I walk up these steps has been replaced with something else that makes my heart beat faster, but not in a good way.
Inside the cabin looks the same, the dish drainer is next to the sink with clean dishes in it. The throw that is usually in a crumpled heap on one end of the couch is folded neatly over the back. The clock in the little eating area is still ticking.
I can still smell his cologne in the air.
But he’s gone.
His bed is made, and on the pillow is a folded piece of paper with my name on it. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, the springs squeak under me; I unfold the letter. Mato’s familiar, small, blocky handwriting is on the page.
Breanna,
Please don’t hate me. I know you’ll be angry with me, but please don’t hate me.
This is the right thing to do, I know you don’t agree, but we can’t build a life on the ranch inside a bubble. I love you more than anything in this world, but I have nothing to offer you, and I refuse to be that kind of man.
You have to follow your dream and go to college; I won’t be the reason you don’t go, and I won’t forgive you if you pass up the gift you have been given. Please follow your dream. Please. Do it for me.
I’m leaving this morning before sunrise to enlist, not because I don’t want to see you, but because I can’t bear to say goodbye. Please understand that I’m doing this for us.
As soon as I am able, I will let you know where I am.
You are my moon and stars; you are my heart. Please don’t forget that.
Mato
The crushing weight of betrayal makes it hard to breathe. We’ve argued about this so many times since his dad died six months ago. He told me he wouldn’t go.
Lying down on his pillow, I breathe in his scent and close my eyes.
The emptiness of the cabin around me is seeping into every pore and thought. My frazzled mind has one thing on repeat: He said he wouldn’t go.
I believed him.
I don’t know how long I lay there, the pillow wet against my cheek and the shadows across the room getting longer as the setting sun shines through the window. I’ve been in this room more times than I can count at this exact time of day, and it looks the same, but everything is different.
Everything is empty.
For the next week, I lock myself in my bedroom with blankets over my head. My emotions fluctuate from anger to betrayal to loneliness. I’ve never felt so alone. Mato has been on this ranch my whole life; I’ve never known a day without him.
There’s no energy or desire to do anything or see anyone.
Another week goes by before I sit up in bed, throwing my covers off my head, my mind racing and calculating days.
My period is late. I’ve been locked in my bedroom with the blinds closed for two weeks, my phone under my pillow hoping for a call, shutting out the rest of the world, and just realized my period was due last week.
I’m never late.
After Mato’s father passed six months ago, he had the cabin to himself, and we took advantage of that freedom. A lot. Memories of sneaking into his bed and feeling his hands on me and his body next to mine bring on fresh tears. I didn’t think I could cry anymore.
My pulse is racing as my head spins. Shit. I need to go to town and get a pregnancy test.
How am I going to do this by myself?
What will my family think?
Dad will be so disappointed in me.
Falling back on my pillow, I bury my face in the softness and cry again.
I can’t let anyone know about this. I’m supposed to move into my dorm in a couple of weeks.
Before Mato left, I had planned to tell Dad I wasn’t going.
I have to go now. I don’t want to be here, where every little thing reminds me of him.
It doesn’t take long to slip on some clothes and pull my messy curls up into a bun on top of my head. I grab my keys and open my bedroom door. My sister, Kinley, is standing on the other side, making me gasp and jump back.
“Damn it! Why are you creepin’ at my door?” I whisper-yell at her with my hand on my chest.
Taking her time, she tilts her head to the side and narrows her eyes, looking over my face like I’m a damn science experiment she’s observing. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Move.” I try to push past her, but she plants her hands on the doorframe and blocks my way. Of my two sisters, Kinley is not afraid to be pushy, metaphorically and physically. Marley prefers patience and gentle guidance.
I’ve also always been smaller than my siblings, and it wouldn’t be hard for Kinley to stop me from getting past her, so I don’t try. She and Marley are five feet five or six, and I’m only five feet two. I’ve always been small, and I’ve always hated it.
“Liar.” She twirls her finger in the air just inches away from my nose.
“There have been some coinciding events in the past two weeks, and I don’t think they are by chance.
You’ve been locked in your room since the disappearance of a certain someone.
Either tell me what’s going on, or I go to Dad.
” She lifts an eyebrow in a dare. Kinley doesn’t take no for an answer and has more balls than most people I know.
We have a stare-off for several moments. I also know that Kinley can be tight-lipped, and I kind of need someone to talk to. With a big sigh, I step back and wave my hand for her to come in my room.
Smugly pushing her long blond hair over her shoulder, she walks in, looking around at the mess. She wrinkles her nose and turns to fix her hazel eyes on me as she crosses her arms over her chest. The half-shirt she’s wearing pushes up and exposes her shiny belly button ring.
Tossing my keys onto my dresser, I look away when I say, “I think I’m pregnant.”
In my periphery, her hands fall to her sides, and when I look up, her face is slack with shock, and her eyes are big as saucers. She takes three steps toward me and grabs my hands to pull me next to her on the bed.
Her eyes volley between mine. “Tell me everything.”
I start at the beginning and tell her about how I’ve loved Mato since I was fourteen, and that we took our relationship to the next level just this year, and ignore her shock.
I tell her he was my first everything, and about the constant fights in the last six months about him leaving, and I let her read the letter.
Her eyes scan across page a second time when she says, “This isn’t so bad, Bre. He’s trying to do the right thing, and he says he’ll let you know when he gets settled.”
“I’ll be gone four years, maybe more. That’s a long time, anything can happen.”
He could find someone else while I’m gone.
She takes my hands and turns toward me, her leg bent on the bed. “What do you want to do?”
My shoulders fall, and I look at the floor. “I don’t know. I don’t want to be a single mom, but I love him.”
She nods as she chews on her bottom lip. “Okay, you have a little time to think about it, but Dad can’t know about this until you know for sure what you want to do.”
Letting out a breath, I puff my cheeks. “I know.”
She nods again and stands. “Alright, let’s go into town. We need to know for sure.”
Still sitting on the bed, I look up at her, my surprise showing on my face. “You’re going with me?”
Looking at me like I have two heads, she rolls her eyes. “Fuck yeah, you think I’m going to let you do this by yourself?”
Two hours later, our heads are bent over the five sticks I peed on, all with double lines on the little screens. My legs are so wobbly, I slowly sit on the toilet, my hands on my cheeks.
Kinley kneels in front of me, her hands on my knees. “Didn’t you use protection?”
Still staring across the room at the shower, I whisper, “Most of the time.” I pivot my eyes toward her and shrug my shoulders.
“There were a couple of times we ran out of condoms, and he pulled out. Well, one time he started to, you know, come,” I whisper the word and look at the floor, “before he pulled all the way out, but I used a douche to clean up.”
Pity is in her eyes, and she shakes her head. “Did they not pull you aside in junior high for that stupid sex ed class that taught you about deodorant, pubic hair, and pulling out?”
Looking away from her, I refuse to answer the question. I know it sounds dumb that we used that method, I know it’s not foolproof. I just hoped that the douching would take care of any stragglers.
For the next couple of weeks, I pace the house, wondering why I haven’t heard from Mato.
It’s been four weeks since he left, and he said he would let me know where he is, but I’ve got nothing.
I looked it up online, and it’s not uncommon for letters from basic training to be delayed, but I thought I would have heard from him by now.
So far, that’s two promises he’s broken.
I become a little more numb every day.
Kinley’s been up my ass wanting to know what I’m going to do, but I think my lack of doing anything is my answer.
I just can’t kill something that is a part of both of us. It sounds silly, but if I don’t keep the baby, it would be sort of like losing him twice.
The day before I’m supposed to move to the Oklahoma State University dorms, Kinley corners me in the kitchen and hisses, “What are you doing? Do you think coming home for the holiday break, big and pregnant, is the best time to let everyone know? Are you going to walk in the front door and yell ‘surprise!’?”
Kinley throws her arms up, pretending to be happy, her hair swishing around her waist as she waves her hands in the air. She can also be the most sarcastic and verbally cutting person I know.
Pushing back, I get close to her and whisper-yell. “Stop it, Kinley! Maybe I just won’t come home for the holiday break. Maybe I’ll just stay gone.”
Her eyes narrow, and she sets her hands on her hips, leaning closer. “You wouldn’t. That would kill Dad and Marley, you know how important the holidays are to her.”