Chapter Nineteen
MATO
I SHOULD have known she would still be at work late in the evening. Even on her birthday.
After I bought the fall bouquet with roses, sunflowers, and marigolds, I drove to her apartment with my heart about to beat out of my chest.
Showing up uninvited probably won’t be welcomed. But her truck wasn’t in the parking lot, so I went to the second place I thought she might be.
Her big diesel truck is the one lone vehicle sitting next to the hospital in front of the large gravel area for animal drop-off and pickup.
Parking next to her, I glance at the box of dark chocolate-covered almonds with the bow on top sitting in my passenger seat; they were her favorite ten years ago, I wonder if they still are.
Grabbing the flowers and the box of candy, I steel myself for whatever welcome I might get, but the front door is locked. All the lights in the waiting room are out, so I knock on the door. I’m not leaving here without telling her happy birthday - even if I have to do it through the door.
Several minutes pass before I walk to the side of the building by her truck to try my luck from the back, but a light down the hill in the empty house catches my eye. One of the downstairs windows is lit up.
Found her.
The trek is mostly downhill through tall, dead weeds. As I get closer, I can hear Brooks her trust and love were freely given.
She doesn’t hear me knock on the front door over the music, so I step in uninvited and look around as I close the distance across the front living area to the kitchen. A stand light next to a small rechargeable battery system is across the room from her, lighting up the entire wall.
Still singing along with the music, her focus is sharp on the frame of a large inset stained-glass window in the breakfast nook area, she’s dipping her fingers into a small container and meticulously dabbing it on the edge when I knock on the wooden doorframe into the kitchen.
Her body jolts, and she reaches for the ladder, but her fingers slip as her body sways backward. Dropping the flowers and the chocolates, I rush behind her and grab her waist to stop her from falling.
Completely out of instinct, she twists her body, and her front lands against mine, her arms going around my neck.
The initial look in her eyes is fear, but she freezes, her nose just inches from mine, her beautiful blue eyes so close I can see the specks of teal.
Anger shoves in front and center, and her eyebrows come together as she plants her hands against my chest as I set her down to push me away.
Stepping backward, putting a safe two feet between us, she angrily sets her hands on her hips. “You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?”
Ignoring the sting of her rejection, I hold my hands up in front of me in surrender. “I stopped by the hospital but saw the light on down here.” Pointing at the flowers and candy box on the floor, I turn my body so she can see. “I wanted to wish you happy birthday.”
Her eyes drop to the bright, pretty colors on the dark, dirty floor, and she stares at them, her chest slowly rising and falling. Emotions are warring in her eyes, and her hands ball into small fists as they lower to her sides.
Watching her face go slack, her voice is soft as she keeps her eyes locked on the flowers on the floor. “You didn’t have to do that.”
I’m not sure what’s happening, but she looks like she’s battling something, and I wish to God I knew what.
Stooping to pick them up, I blow some dead grass off the cellophane around the flowers. “I wanted to.”
Squaring her shoulders, she points to the counter in the kitchen as she clears her throat. “Actually, I don’t celebrate my birthday, so you can put them over there.”
Turning away from me, she picks up her phone from a box next to the wall and turns off the music. This isn’t the Breanna I remember. She used to love her birthday, and she would wrestle me for the chocolate-covered almonds.
A memory of reaching into an empty paper bag as she pops the last one in her mouth with a smile, her eyebrows waggling on her forehead, appears front and center in my mind.
It was a hot day, and her curls were standing around her head in a blond halo, her smile was like the sun.
I carried her piggyback to the house from the river that day after nearly making her wet herself from tickling.
Not that I expect anything from her, but the happy, fun-loving girl from ten years ago has lost her spark, the jovial light is gone. Maybe the bumps of life snuffed out that light, but what if it started with me? If I have to spend the rest of my life earning her smile, then that’s what I’ll do.
Stepping into the kitchen, I set the gifts on the counter. “I remember a time when you would play dirty for your chocolate-covered nuts.”
Her back is still to me, her blond curls in a perfect V down her back, head down as she looks at her phone. “These days it depends on who I’m playing with.”
She’s so closed-off and angry. I know it’s my fault, I just don’t know how to fix it if she won’t even give me the time of day. Changing tactics, I turn my attention to the window she was looking at and step closer to it. “What are you doing here?”
Setting her phone down, she looks around the floor and then bends over to grab the small tub of spackle she dropped on the floor as she clears her throat and avoids looking at me. “There was a little bit of wood-rot on the corner of the frame, I was trying to fix it.”
“Do you need any help?”
Shaking her head, she seals the lid back onto the spackle. “No, I’m going to wrap it up for tonight.”
In other words, she’s going to run from me again. I want to talk about the reason she hates me so much, and I know she sure as fuck isn’t going to bring it up. In order to move forward, we have to address the past, so I go for it.
Sliding my hands in my pockets, I tip my head, my voice soft. “I know about the baby.”
Her head jerks up, her eyes snapping to mine, confusion and anger hardening her expression. We stand there for long moments, our eyes locked; she’s trying to read my face while she’s barely hiding the alarm on hers.
Lowering her gaze to my chest, her eyebrows twitch together in anger for a split second. “She had no right.” Her voice is flat and controlled as she realizes her sister shared her secret.
Taking a step toward her, but still keeping a safe distance so she won’t run, I shake my head once. “Probably not.”
Her eyes narrow. “Don’t look at me like that, you don’t get to feel sorry now.”
Holding her gaze, I shake my head again. “I’m not…”
Before I get the chance to tell her I’m not looking at her with pity, she interrupts me, her voice as sharp as knives. “You. Left.”
Those two words echo off the walls, crushing me from every direction. This isn’t about me defending myself. I have no defense. This is about her. I nod, my eyes locked with her beautiful blues. “I did.”
Taking a deep breath, anger shines bright in her eyes, and her chin trembles before she presses her lips tight. “You weren’t there when that beautiful, tiny life quietly left me. You don’t know anything.”
My throat constricts as guilt threatens to swallow me. “I know you were alone, nudo.”
Dropping her head, her eyes lower to the spackle she’s still gripping in her hands, the only sound is the hum of the stand light. “I tried to find you.”
The urge to close the space between us is so strong, but I keep my feet planted where they are. “I know.”
She half-laughs, half-snorts, and it sounds bitter as she traces the edge of the lid with her finger. “Do you?”
Even though she’s not looking at me, I nod. “I would expect no less from someone who always fought hard for what she wants.”
Choppy breaths rattle through her lips as she controls her emotions. “So now you know why I don’t celebrate my birthday.”
Her words are like a kick in the chest; she lost the baby on her birthday. I stare at the soft curve of her cheek as her lips briefly press together in a pout.
“I’ll never mention it again if you don’t want me to.”
She’s quiet as she stares down at the damn spackle in her hands. Her nose twitches with a sniffle before she turns to me, eyes glassy, her voice almost a whisper. “Why did you come back, Mato?”
Anything I say is going to sound rehearsed and insensitive, so I say the truth. “For you.”
Keeping her eyes fixed on me, she tries to hide the hurt behind the anger, but I know each of her expressions like I know the back of my hand. “I hated you more than I’ve ever hated another person that day.”
Pain slices through my chest, and I suck in a breath as tears prick my eyes. “I deserved it.”
Setting the spackle on one of the ladder steps with enough force to echo across the room, her eyebrows pull together as she turns to face me, fury in her eyes. “I want to know why?”
With a deep breath, I shake my head. “I was scared you would eventually resent me for giving up your dream since I had nothing to offer you. I convinced myself that I had to remove me to do right by you.”
Silence settles on us like a thick fog, every second growing like the quiet before the storm, her eyes moving between mine. “I resent you anyway, and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”
Without another word, she walks by me, and the front door slams before I hear her boots echo on the front steps.
It’s the most she’s spoken with me since I got back; it’s progress.
Baby steps.