Chapter 5
Theo
The door slammed shut behind me and the sound echoed sharply through the cavernous foyer. I kicked off my shoes with more force than necessary, both clunking against the wall loudly as I went in search of a drink.
My hand crept up to my chest, hating the cold feel of my skin without the comforting weight that had been there for years.
My stomach soured recalling how Dawson had all but yanked his ring from my grasp.
I had come dangerously close to begging him to take money, my car, even my arm in exchange.
He’d ripped a lifeline from me without even blinking, without realizing what he was truly taking, and dread sank into my gut that I’d never get it back.
That was as impossible as winning back Dawson himself. That bridge burned long ago and I’d lit the match before I even realized what I had done.
Before I could reach the den and the whiskey cart that called to me like a Siren, I heard Dad’s low, throaty voice come around the corner.
“Hey kiddo, everything alright?”
“Sure,” I muttered. “Life is a fucking cabaret.”
“Did something happen? You seemed okay when you left the house earlier.” Dad’s brows knitted in concern and for some reason it only pulled another thread of my fraying patience.
“Well, that’s because I was high,” I responded flippantly with a cheeky grin. “Ahh, weed. The wonder of wonders, right?”
I turned to walk out to the back patio, hearing my name on a deep sigh of disappointment. I didn’t need to see the judgment smattered across his face to know it was there. It was all I was capable of provoking in others nowadays, along with healthy doses of cynicism and exasperation.
Every other thought that drilled into my stream of consciousness reminded me how much of a fuckup I was now, how difficult I had become to even exist around.
I was always too much or not enough. No matter what I did to distract or numb myself, those thoughts felt like tiny shards embedding themselves in my head.
“Theo, please talk to me,” Dad implored as he followed me outside like I knew he would.
Despite all the shit I’d put him through, he still cared and tried to be there for me.
It was more than I could say for Mom. I still hadn’t heard from her since December when she banished me back to Austin.
I’d even become too much for the woman who gave me life, but Dad still held on.
I wonder how much longer it’ll be before he loses faith in me too. What line will I inevitably cross that pushes him away with everyone else who gave up on me?
“Don’t wanna,” I grumbled, dropping onto a pool lounger. He took the one next to me, his body angled towards me with his forearms resting on his knees.
“Look, I know you only came to stay with me this summer because I asked you to—”
Yeah, because even after moving out, you still don’t trust me to be alone…
“—and I don’t want to force you to talk to me, but I wish you would. You know I’d never judge you.”
You say that now, but if I let you in, you’ll see every bit of my chaos and I’ll lose you too…
“I know, Dad. There’s just not much to talk about. I’m in a shitty mood, that’s all. ”
“Are you still feeling okay after going back on your medication? You haven’t missed any, right?”
“Nope, I’m on it. I think I’m still adjusting to them. It takes a while, you know?” I lied as convincingly as I could. It had taken several months to get him to trust me and stop counting my pills when I moved back. That was a fucking headache I had no interest returning to.
“Yeah, I get it. And I know you’ve been doing well the last few months. I just worry about you,” he said softly. “Are you sure you’ll be okay while I’m gone this week? I’d cancel the trip if I could, but we’ve had this conference scheduled for months and I couldn’t get out of it.”
“No worries. I’m chill. I mean, what kind of trouble can I get into in a week?” I replied, shooting him a charming grin.
“God, let’s not answer that question, please. I’m too old for that level of stress,” he groaned, but I saw the smirk fighting to get through.
“Those forties really hit like a bitch, don’t they?” I joked. He rolled his eyes before studying my face intently.
“Promise me that you’ll call if you need me? You won’t hide it if it…gets bad again, right?”
More guilt bubbled up in my core. Dad was so trusting, even in the face of all my problems, and I took full advantage to hide behind my lies. I was a real piece of shit, but he just wouldn’t understand. No one ever did.
“I promise.”
After a beat, he looked placated and stood to leave. The tension in my body eased as the metaphorical bullet I’d just dodged whizzed right by me and back into the house along with Dad’s meddling.
“One thing though…” he started.
Fuck. So close.
“Maybe you should steer clear of the barn and the Hayes’ side of the property while you’re here. I saw Dawson’s truck over there, so I thought…”
“Thought what?” I asked cautiously. That innate protectiveness of Dawson sizzled under my skin and I subdued the urge to lash out.
“I thought it would be best if you didn’t run into him.”
“Why?” I asked angrily, swiveling to stare him down. “Why should I avoid my best friend?”
“Are you sure he’d still consider you his best friend?” Dad questioned and a lead weight dropped into my gut. “You’ve been back since winter break and to my knowledge, you haven’t reached out or talked to him since your…accident senior year. Isn’t that what you told me?”
The mention of the night that started us down this fucked up road squeezed my chest in an unforgiving vice. Guilt wracked me at the memory of waking up in that hospital bed and realizing what I had done…and what I had lost. Oblivious to my tormented thoughts, Dad pressed on.
“From what his parents told me recently, Dawson’s doing really well.
He’s seemed to have moved on and so have you, so maybe it’s better for you both to continue on separate paths,” he said, and I could tell he was gearing up to impart some patented parental wisdom.
“Now, you know I love Dawson. He’s a great kid, but I don’t want you getting wrapped up in him right now and neglect your health.
You need to focus on yourself and doing well in school, not rekindling a relationship, even as friends.
I know your mom and I didn’t give you much of a choice after what happened, but Dawson was really affected when you left.
If he’s happy now, then perhaps the kindest thing is to leave him be. ”
I sat stone-faced until he finally retreated back inside, leaving me to stew in silence.
His words poured salt into the open wounds that littered my fucked up soul, dredging up every bit of self-loathing and regret that had built up over the last three and a half years.
I had no one to blame but myself for losing Dawson, but the thought of him moving on from me and what we had shared made me equal parts nauseous and furious.
Even though I could tell he’d been lying back at the barn, it still stung to hear him be so apathetic about me being with other people.
His song at the bar had proven that he still felt something for me.
I’d seen it in those soulful eyes that were never able to hide the truth from me.
The twisted part of me wanted his jealousy, if for nothing more than proof he hadn’t gotten over me.
I only wish my own outburst had been true, that I’d somehow gotten over what I’d done to him. That I’d somehow been able to wash my hands of the guilt I felt at leaving him the way I did and forgive myself.
As if I were capable of that. That would happen the day I moved on from Dawson, and that would only happen when my heart stopped beating.
It didn’t matter what I did, what I smoked, what I drank, or who I fucked, Dawson still invaded every thought and dream of mine since the day I left.
I had managed to avoid him for damn near six months once I transferred to UT thanks to my temporary living arrangement with Dad.
It had been rough as hell knowing that Dawson was so close to me again, yet I hadn’t been anywhere near ready to face him.
Running into him that day at my apartment shocked the hell out of me.
Of all the sin joints in all the campuses in all the world, he had to walk into mine.
The last thing I had expected was for that blast from the past. I had only moved into that space a couple months before that after finally gaining Dad’s trust enough to move out of his house.
I had relished in the freedom and solitude it brought me, both dreading and yearning for the moment I saw Dawson again.
I could have contacted him, but I was stopped every time by the simple fact I couldn’t tell him the truth about why I had left.
He’d never come near me again if he knew everything.
It wasn’t anything new. I’d accepted that I was better off alone.
Losing the few friends I’d made in Huntsville had shown me that.
The moment they had learned about the devil on my back, everything had changed.
Daily texts dwindled to once a week, usual hangouts were cancelled, my calls were ignored, and discomfort bled into every look aimed my way. Then they disappeared altogether.
It didn’t take long for me to spiral out of control once I’d lost them all. Grades, social life, sanity. All of it went down in a headlong rush until I crashed.
Literally.
A nifty little equation of pain pills and insomnia with a tequila chaser was the perfect recipe for my unintended physics lesson involving my Audi and a big ass tree.
The same Audi that had been gifted to me for my birthday a few months earlier by my mom and stepdad.
That hadn’t been the first or even fifth time that they had to deal with the disastrous effects of my… condition.