Chapter 16
Theo
My gaze was pinned on Dawson’s. I thought I was crazy (probably because I fucking was), but I caught the shift in the way he looked at me.
It was subtle, but it was like someone slotting a puzzle piece into place.
That lightbulb moment when a solution finally hits you.
I felt dizzy and panic sizzled in the back of my brain that he’d figured me out.
That he knew I was nothing but a ticking time bomb.
Then the look slowly melted into one I recognized very well. Disappointment and pity. I couldn’t stand seeing Dawson look at me like that.
Does he know? Does he really see now? How did he figure out that I’m…
I slammed the door on that train of thought before it sent me over the edge. It was impossible. There was no way he knew.
He can’t…I’m not ready to lose him again.
I spent the next couple of hours like a social magician, conjuring up smiles and creating illusions of joy. Drink after drink gave me power, but it didn’t stop my brain from firing off in a million directions.
“Hey man, you alright?”
I focused back on—shit, what’s his name?—the lacrosse dude I’d been talking to earlier. I had tried to enjoy the conversation, but I was just so damn tired. It never ended.
“Yeah, sorry. Zoned out. I’m gonna grab something to eat real quick.”
He waved me off with a smile and I stumbled quickly up the stairs to the deck where the food was.
I wasn’t really hungry, but I needed an excuse to get some space.
I leaned up against the railing, looking out at the myriad of boats, paddlers, and kayaks dotted across the water.
I used to love coming out to the lake, but I always had Dawson by my side then.
I let myself get lost in past summers spent out here when we were kids, eating way too much junk food and using way too little sunscreen.
My thoughts drifted to later times, when we were much older and things had shifted between us.
I had touched Dawson’s dick for the first time out here.
Under the water, I’d snuck my hand into his swim trunks and gave him the world’s most inexperienced and shortest handjob before he blew his load.
And it had been fucking epic.
That was the summer I’d first kissed him, when he’d played my favorite song because for him, there was no better way to tell me how he felt.
That was the summer that changed everything for us.
We had always known we’d have a lifetime of friendship, but it was then that we promised each other so much more.
There had been no doubt in my mind that Dawson was my forever.
And now my future was uncertain, unstable in a way that left me doubting whether I’d have one at all.
The dark cloud threatened to invade my head, but I refused to let it in. I spun around and ran smack into someone I actually recognized.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry! I swear I usually have better depth perception, but my brain’s a little scrambled from the jetski,” Dawson’s friend apologized with an embarrassed smile.
“Ahh, not your bag?”
“Probably would have been if I hadn’t been flung overboard when Bash took a corner too fast,” he said with an exaggerated eye roll. “So I’m gonna blame any faux pas on the gallon of lake water I unfortunately ingested.”
“Should also give you a nice parasite or two. I bet you could blame a few offenses on that.”
“Like if I get the urge to tell someone to eat a shriveled up bag of dicks, I can blame it on parasitic Tourettes or something?”
“Something tells me you’d say it even without the excuse.”
“That’s an awfully rude and accurate assumption,” he sniffed delicately and my mouth tugged into a reluctant smile.
“Well, I’m shit with names but if Bash is your boyfriend-tossing jet skier, then that must make you…Micah?” I guessed.
“Ten points to Theodore!” Micah exclaimed, giving me a golf clap.
I fake-gagged and shuddered. “Agh! Nope. I’m not Theodore. Just Theo.”
“Got it,” he snickered. “Are you having fun so far, not-Theodore?”
“Yeah, it’s a blast,” I lied. Micah’s eyes narrowed at my obvious bullshit.
“Hmm. Is that why you raced up here like someone dropped a piranha down your shorts?”
“Oh, uh, I was…feeling a little queasy, that’s all. I came up to get some air.”
“Because the air five feet below us was so contaminated?”
“It was. With people,” I muttered. Micah smirked and grabbed a popsicle out of a cooler nearby.
“It’s cool that you came today.”
“Oh yeah?” My head was beginning to swim slightly from the alcohol and heat, and focusing was becoming a chore.
“Yep. You know, I haven’t known Dawson very long, but I like to think I can read people pretty well. He’s different with you,” he said without looking up at me, opening his treat.
“Different how?” I asked cautiously.
“In the several months that I’ve known him, I’ve only ever seen Dawson sweet, calm and perfectly put together. He’s like the hot lovechild between a Ken doll and Prince Henry from Red, White and Royal Blue…only less British and plastic-y.”
I snorted at the comparison, imagining how Dawson would react to hearing that. “What are you trying to say?”
He let out a deep sigh as though I was boring him or a moron…or both. “The point is that from the minute Dawson saw you in our apartment building that day, he’s been a lovesick, tortured mess. He tries to hide it, but we all see it. Well…most of us. Nate and Griff are clueless idiots most days.”
My heart gave a hopeless flutter hearing that Dawson was so affected by me before I remembered to squash that idea flat. He’d already erected the Great Wall of boundaries between us to keep us firmly in the friend zone, so there was no use going there.
“Maybe you’re reading him wrong. I mean, you said it yourself, you don’t know him that well.”
“No, I said it hasn’t been long. And I’m not wrong,” Micah said simply. “I also know that you’ve done a bit of damage already since that day too.”
His tone was gentle, but sweat still slithered down my back and my skin grew clammy. This was it. This was where he told me to leave, that I was a screwup, trash, a jackass not worthy of breathing Dawson’s air.
You’re all that and worse. Did you really think they wouldn’t notice?
I stammered, but Micah gave me a patient smile and cut me off.
“Take a breath. I’m not here to judge or bitch at you. I only say that because it’s relevant. Dawson once helped me when I was struggling with being hurt by someone I loved.” Micah’s voice grew soft, and an echo of pain crossed his features.
“How did he help?”
“He helped give me the courage to give Bash a second chance. He said that even though Bash hurt me deeply, he was the only one who could fix it. And that as long as I was missing a piece of myself, missing Bash, I’d never really heal.
That we made each other whole. Knowing what I know now, I’m pretty sure he was talking from personal experience…
and that you might be his missing piece. ”
Air burned in my lungs as the guilt stifled me. Had Dawson been thinking of me and what I’d done to him when he’d talked to Micah? Has he been as broken as I have been without him?
“Why tell me all this?” I croaked.
“Because it helps him. I figured I owed Dawson a solid,” Micah shrugged.
“And I’m hoping I’m not wrong, but I don’t think you intended to hurt him.
My advice is to start by fixing what you broke.
No bullshit apologies, no excuses. If you screwed up, find a way to make amends. I hear groveling can do wonders.”
He fluttered his eyes at me obnoxiously, my lips tugging up involuntarily. I wasn’t sure how to even begin fixing things with Dawson. I was still terrified for him to know the whole truth, but one thing was damn clear to me.
I’d never be whole again without Dawson. He was my other half. He had loved me on my worst days and embraced every flaw and scar I had. No one but Dawson ever made me feel like I truly mattered.
And all I’d done since returning was hide from him like a coward and when that didn’t work, I pushed him away. He deserved better than me. I was so far beneath him, Hades himself couldn’t find me.
But I needed him. God, I needed Dawson like a vital organ. I was fucking lucky that I even got a second chance at his friendship, but I wanted more. I needed more. I didn’t want Corvin or any other man.
Only him. It was always him.
“Thanks, Micah. Not only for this, but for looking out for him too.”
“Eh, that’s a member’s perk for our group. It also goes for you too now,” he told me with a pointed look. “I get you don’t know me, but if you ever need to talk or get some more unsolicited, but well-meaning advice, I’m around.”
I scanned his face for any sign that he was messing with me, but all I saw was sincerity.
It was a bold move to make with someone he didn’t know from Adam, but part of me longed to take him up on it, to unload all the shit I carried and have someone possibly understand.
But I’d done that before and ended up losing everyone I thought was on my side.
“I appreciate that,” I thanked him, even knowing I’d never use the invitation.
“Absolutely,” he smiled warmly. “Also I think I saw Dawson waiting for his turn on the jetski if you wanted to maybe go find him. You know, for some reason or whatever.”
I rolled my eyes at his super subtle hint, but set off down the steps to do just that.
My gaze zeroed in on his windswept brown hair, his eyes crinkled in laughter at something Nate was saying.
He wore a UT branded t-shirt that stretched across his chest and hugged his biceps just right.
He was so beautiful my lungs seized looking at him.
My pulse beat a dangerous tempo as I got closer, drawn to him, but I froze at the not-so-quiet whispers behind me.
“Holy shit, Dawson Hayes is so gorgeous. I’m lowkey obsessed with him, but there’s no way he’s single.”