Chapter 17
Theo
The pill bottle seemed heavy in my hand as I twirled it around, working up the courage to open it.
I had fought this for so long that willingly going back to it was fucking with my head a bit.
There was always a rough adjustment period for me, but I’d been through this enough to know what the first wave would bring.
Oddly enough, the nausea and dizziness were something I could deal with within reason.
The diarrhea was…highly unfortunate, but the hand tremors tended to be the worst. It was like a physical reminder of how out of control I truly was. But I wasn’t backing down.
Dawson’s fear and anguish yesterday were bad enough, but it was his parting shot that had struck me like a blow to the chest. Things didn’t have to turn out this way between us if I could just learn to get out of my own way.
I wanted to fight for us, to silence the malicious voices in my head that said I wasn’t good enough and win him back.
And clearly I couldn’t fucking do that with my brain left to its own devices, so it came down to this.
The pharmaceutical leash meant to rein in the excesses of my nature.
I fucking hated it though. I felt like a wild animal thrown into a cage designed to keep me safe and contained, but without the freedom to breathe.
The medication created as many problems as it solved.
However, I was willing to do whatever it took to earn Dawson back.
He deserved a stable, reliable partner, and I couldn’t be that for him when my brain was a yo-yo of reckless impulses and sinister notions.
So stop being such a pussy about it and open the damn thing. It’s not like it’s fucking arsenic…
Dad’s footsteps coming up the stairs made me jump and I quickly dropped the bottle into the drawer of my nightstand. I whirled around just as he appeared in the doorway.
“Hey, I was about to run some errands and figured I’d grab dinner on the way back. You good with pizza?”
“Yeah, sure. Hawaiian for me.” I prayed that my voice sounded steadier to him than it did to my own ears.
Dad made a disgusted grunt. “Where did I go wrong in raising you?”
“Don’t be a hater because I have a much more refined palate than you.”
“Coming from the kid who actually tasted the mud pies he used to make in the backyard…”
“Now, those were a delicacy. My stuffed pig, Gordon Pigsmey, raved that they had a unique umami flavor and delicate earthy aftertaste,” I said haughtily.
“I’m sure the Pepto Bismol aperitif you had to take afterwards really rounded out the experience.”
“I will admit the stomach cramps did taint the enjoyment a little bit.”
“Yet it still sounds better than pineapple on pizza,” Dad snickered affectionately. “I’ll be back in a couple hours. Text me if you need anything.”
I gave him a lazy salute as he left. I sauntered over to my window seat and sank into the corner, knees curled up to my chest as I looked longingly towards Dawson’s house.
Only their backyard was visible from my window, but I still watched and waited, hoping for even a glimpse of him.
The second we stepped foot back on the boat yesterday, he went out of his way to avoid me the rest of the time.
He surprisingly hadn’t left me to fend for myself to get back home, but the silence in the truck had been thick enough to choke on and Dawson had bolted inside his house faster than I could blink.
For the twentieth time today, I pulled out my phone to check for a response, but my texts had still gone unread.
ME
I’m so fucking sorry, but please let me explain??
I know I screwed up, but can we at least talk about it?
Okay, you need some space, I get that…I’m here when you’re ready to talk
Can you just tell me how much space we’re talking here? Like an hour or a day or…?
Please don’t shut me out, Mercury. Give me a chance to fix this.
I blew out a deep, long breath that did little to release the tension in my body.
I had fallen so far in Dawson’s eyes with the shit I’d pulled that I had a long ass climb ahead of me to get back in his good graces.
My head dropped back against the wall with a painful thud like it was weighed down with all the regret and frustration I felt.
A flash of black and white outside drew my gaze.
Stella made a frenzied dash across the backyard, tossing her head wildly and I could just make out her distressed bleating through the window.
Then Dani seemingly came out of nowhere, fruitlessly trying to catch up with the frantic animal.
I cursed and shot out of my room, racing down the stairs and out my back door.
I vaulted over the fence and when I got closer, I saw the barbed wire wrapped around Stella’s horns and heard Dani crying at her to stop, as pointless as it was.
I clicked my tongue to get the goat’s attention and I saw Dani’s steps falter out of the corner of my eye, but I ignored her and focused on avoiding Stella’s thrashing head.
“Hey sweet girl, it’s alright. You remember me, don’t you?
” I spoke soothingly as I could, approaching cautiously.
I always had much better luck with Stella than Dawson had, but it wasn’t unheard of for her to charge me every once in a while if she was feeling testy. She could be a literal ballbuster.
“Theo, be careful,” Dani warned tearfully. I nodded without taking my eyes off the animal.
Stella continued to bleat loudly, but calmed enough for me to get close and swing my leg over her to hold her steady between my thighs.
“Come hold her head while I get this shit off.”
Dani rushed over and tried her best to hold her still, but Stella was jumpy as hell as I worked to free her horns.
By the time she was loose, my fingers had been nicked several times and I was going to have more than one bruise on me.
The instant I released her, the goat trotted away as if it hadn’t happened.
I breathed in relief that she didn’t seem to be hurt, but then the breath was punched out of me as small arms banded around my stomach.
“I missed you,” Dani said, her voice muffled against my chest.
I gingerly wrapped my arms around her, unsure of how to respond.
I’d been dreading this inevitable confrontation for weeks.
Dawson wasn’t the only one I had worked to avoid after coming home.
Half of me worried it was a trick to let my guard down so she could claw my eyes out for hurting her and her brother, but when I heard her sniffling my heart cracked and I hugged her back fiercely.
“I’m sorry,” I grated out, squeezing her to me. “I’m so fucking sorry. I missed you too.”
We stood like that until my back twinged from being slightly hunched over her smaller frame. I gently released her and forced myself to meet her gaze. Her eyes were glossy with tears and her cheeks reddened with embarrassment.
“Sorry. I just really needed that,” she mumbled, wiping the wetness off her face.
“Please don’t apologize. This is all my fault,” I said gruffly. Dani crossed her arms, shoulders bunching up as she looked up at me sadly.
“Yeah, it is. I kept wondering when you’d get the balls to come see me this summer, but then you never did…”
I swallowed roughly, fighting to stay put and not rush back to the safety of my house. I hadn’t been prepared for this.
“Look, I’m not mad at you anymore for ditching us back then because I know you had your reasons, but you didn’t have to ignore me when you got back. And now even Dawson’s seen you a bunch of times, but not me. That’s not fair. I loved you too…”
Her accusation cut deep even though it was completely warranted.
I had been so fixated on everything with Dawson that I got tunnel vision about everything else.
I also hadn’t had the guts to face the people who were my second family for eight years.
Their rejection would have been the final nail in my coffin.
“I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I loved you too, Dani. I still do. I mean…fuck.” I choked up, guilt suffocating everything I wanted to say to her. I pinched the bridge of my nose that was stinging with tears I refused to let free.
“Did you think I’d give you a hard time or something?”
“No, that wasn’t it…”
“Then why didn’t you come see me?”
“I guess I was scared.”
“Of me?”
“Of you hating me too,” I admitted quietly. “I know how badly I fucked up when I left and that Dawson wasn’t the only one I hurt. I didn’t want you guys to hate me as much as he did.”
She scoffed softly and looked at me like I was an idiot. Which…was fair.
“Dawson never hated you, dingbat. He probably wished he could. He’ll never admit this to anyone, but he never stopped believing you’d come back to him.”
A burning pressure squeezed my throat and I worked to swallow past it. I kept shaking my head like refuting her words made them less real. It was too much to hope for that Dawson had held a flame for me all this time, a twin to my own. No matter what I did to douse it, it never went out.
“It doesn’t matter. He won’t want me back now. I keep screwing everything up.”
“So stop screwing up,” she said bluntly.
“Like it’s that easy,” I exhaled sharply, annoyance flaring.
“Uh, yeah, pretty much. You’re the only one who controls your actions, so do better. Self-fulfilling prophecy, you know?”
“What do you mean?”
“If you keep saying you’re a problem, then you’ll be a problem. If you keep believing you won’t get him back, then you never will. You have such a strong fear of what could happen that you end up acting in ways that bring about the outcome you’re so afraid of.”
I chewed on my lip, weighing her words. It wasn’t that simple. It couldn’t be…could it? Fuck, what if she was right?