Chapter 18 #2
“That was the first time I thought about it,” he whispered. A shiver raced down my limbs, dreading what he meant by that.
“Thought about what?” My voice was raw, shredded with emotion.
“About how nice it would be for it all to end…to just go to sleep and not wake up the next day. And I wanted it.”
I folded in on myself, a strangled noise caught in my chest. The implication stabbed at my chest, straight through bone and into my lungs to collapse them. I was sick to my stomach that Theo, my sweet, sunny Theo, ever considered leaving this world. Leaving me.
Theo’s hand cupped my cheek and tilted my face up, my vision blurry as I peered at him. I hated his concerned look, that he was even worrying about me when he was the one who had suffered.
“Did you ever…”
My throat pinched close and I couldn’t get the question out. It might break me to hear, but I needed to know how bad it had gotten for him. Theo’s eyes darted away, breaking our connection and I suppressed the surge of bile that rose.
“I had it planned. For those weeks, it was all I could focus on. I said all the right things in group therapy. I took my meds daily. I smiled and laughed and felt so at peace with my decision that I convinced myself it was the right call. Finally, they released me and I was free to follow through.”
“What stopped you?” Fuck, it hurt to speak past the ball of grief lodged in my throat.
Unflinching, Theo looked me dead on and gifted me with the smallest, beautiful smile.
“You.”
“What?”
“You’re the reason I didn’t go through with it.
” He pulled his necklace out of his shirt, fingering my class ring.
“You were wrong when you said that your promise meant nothing to me. Dawson, you have no idea how deeply your promise is lodged in my heart, in my fucking soul. The night I…was going to, I took your ring out and put it on. If I was going to go, I wanted you close to me.”
I squeezed my eyes closed against the onslaught of tears that flooded me hearing that. I felt wet trails down my cheek that Theo gently wiped away, but that only made them come faster.
“The ring was supposed to bring me comfort, but instead brought me clarity. I remembered what you told me the day you gave it to me. You promised to love me forever and that you were going to spend your life with me, and I…couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t end my life when it was supposed to belong to you.
I didn’t know if I’d ever be brave enough to see you again or tell you the truth if I did, but it felt so wrong to take away my future when you promised me yours.
And every time those thoughts invaded, I held your ring and kept myself alive for you. ”
“Fuck, Theo.”
My lips crashed into his, my hands cradling his face to keep him close. I felt his shock before he molded his mouth to mine, his tongue sweeping in to taste my sorrow, my regret, my fear that I had come so close to losing him permanently.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered the words against his lips. “I’m sorry you were ever in that much pain. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel safe enough to tell me.”
A warm tear slid down his cheek and it felt like acid when it hit my hand. I fucking hated that I was the cause of it. I kissed him again, infusing it with every drop of remorse and sincerity I had. When we pulled back, we were both breathing hard and gripping at each other with quiet desperation.
“Come here,” I ordered softly, pulling him to stand with me.
I crawled up to recline on his bed, holding out my arm for him to do the same.
He hesitated slightly, but the second he laid down I tugged him to me, wrapping him in my arms and guiding his head to my chest. I inhaled his fresh, clean scent, and a rightness settled in my bones having him next to me again.
I didn’t let myself think of what we’d do about this tomorrow or where we’d go from here. I only cared about the beautiful, broken man in my arms and giving him what he needed most right then.
“Why were you so scared to tell me about your illness, Theo? How could you think I would have ever stopped loving you because of it?”
He squirmed in my hold, so I raked my fingers along his scalp to soothe him, pulling a breathy sigh from his lips.
“Did I ever tell you about my aunt Shannon?”
“Um, no? I don’t think so. Why?”
“She was my mom’s sister. Mom told me she was a total nerd and really smart, but was also always bubbly and cracking jokes.
I only got to meet her a couple of times growing up, but when I’d ask about her at family gatherings, everyone was really sketchy about her.
They would give vague reasons she couldn’t be there and would change the subject whenever she’d come up.
Mom and Dad didn’t tell me the truth about her until I was sixteen. ”
“She had bipolar disorder, didn’t she?”
“Yeah. She had been diagnosed in college. They told me she’d have periods where she was able to manage and do really great, but something would inevitably happen that would spin her out of control.
She’d lose her job and disappear for months at a time before calling Mom up and letting her know she was settled again and feeling healthy.
It was a seemingly endless pattern with her until… ”
His body tightened against mine and I ran my hand up and down his back. “Until what?”
“Something changed apparently. Shannon had been holding a steady job for a couple of years, even got married and was thinking about children. Mom was thrilled for her. Then her husband called one day and told her that Shannon was dead. They’d found her in a hotel an hour away.”
“Jesus Christ,” I breathed, hugging Theo to me a bit tighter. “What happened?”
“The husband told mom that Shannon had been cheating on him for a few months, had quit her job, been partying and taking drugs. She’d moved out of their house and was hotel hopping, and I guess it got to be too much for her.
She left a note, saying that she was tired of fighting and just wanted to have some peace. ”
Theo’s voice broke and it ripped into me. I pressed a kiss to his temple and wished like hell I knew what to do to make it better for him. It was becoming clearer where the root of Theo’s fear came from.
“What your aunt went through was unimaginable,” I started to say, continuing to rub his back in soothing circles. “I hate that she felt so lost that she thought that was the best way out, but Theo…you are not her. Her story isn’t yours.”
“But don’t you fucking see it could be?” he barked, ripping out of my hold and leaping off the bed.
“Mom could barely look at me once she found out my diagnosis. She was so paranoid that I’d turn out like Shannon that she shoved me into rehab three times, forced me to take meds that I despised, and regulated every minute of my life until she felt satisfied I was “normal” again.
And honestly, I don’t blame her. Sometimes I hate her for it, but I get it.
What makes me any different from Shannon? ”
I jumped up and rounded the bed, trying not to let it show how much it hurt when he stepped back from me.
“I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know much about mental illness, but I do know that not everyone experiences it the same way.
Do you even know why her cycles were that bad?
What triggered them? Was she on and off meds, or did she take them at all?
There could be a hundred reasons her story turned out that way, and you could do the exact same things and still have yours turn out differently. ”
“It’s more than that. This is a lifelong disease, Dawson.
There is no cure. There is no break from it.
I have to live with it every day, never knowing when the switch will flip.
When I found out, all I could think was how it would affect us.
I was scared that when you looked at me, you’d only see the ‘bipolar boy’ like everyone else would.
Or worse, maybe you’d stand by me anyway and I’d do something unforgivable when I was fucking manic and drive you away like Shannon had done to her husband. ”
“And you decided to take the easy way out and push me away on your own terms?”
“Yes, because at least you would have been happy! There was nothing I could do but accept it, but you had a chance at something better.”
“So what? You just gave up?”
Theo’s expression sobered, snagging my ring around his neck and fiddling with it. Knowing now what it truly meant to him, what it had done for him, clenched at my heart.
“You don’t know what it’s like to have your brain turn against you, to be terrified that one day you’ll hear that voice telling you to end it all and you won’t be able to fight it.
You don’t know how fucked up it is that I crave the highs that get me into so much trouble because the lows just hurt too damn much.
I’m left waiting from one day to the next for my control to be taken from me and turn me into someone I don’t recognize… ”
He stepped closer and my pulse kicked up.
“Someone who would rather be coked out of his mind than deal with reality, or who would go out on a jetski after drinking because of a jealous fit—”
He was close enough now that his body heat seeped into my skin. My eyes fluttered close when his finger traced over the light freckles that dusted my cheeks.
“Or who would make the worst decision of his life and walk away from the man he’s loved since he was fifteen because he was too scared of his own mind.”
My breath hitched when his lips ghosted over mine. My heart was pounding a frantic rhythm that I was sure he could hear. I didn’t stop him when Theo captured my mouth in a tentative kiss, licking over the seam of my lips and coaxing me to open for him.
Tingles spread over me and my head swam. He didn’t linger long and I was grateful. I wasn’t confident in my ability to say no to him right now. If he asked, I would drop to my knees and rip out my bleeding heart for him.
He put some much needed space between us, allowing me to think somewhat clearly again. I rubbed at my scratchy, swollen eyes and then glanced up at Theo, sadness clouding his features.
“What is it?”
“Have I lost you for good?”
“I told you I’m not going anywhere and that hasn’t changed,” I explained gently.
“That’s not what I meant. Will you ever be able to love me again, Mercury?”
My heart wrenched at the yearning in his voice, his nickname for me sounding like the sweetest torture. I wasn’t sure how to respond because it wasn’t a simple answer. Theo’s chin quivered and he gave me a shaky smile, a bone deep ache blooming behind my ribs at the sight.
“I never stopped,” I told him honestly. The relief and hope that spread across his face almost made my knees buckle. “But…”
His face fell and his skin paled, but he didn’t say anything.
“I’m not ready for us to be together again. Not yet.”
Theo’s eyes snapped to mine. “Yet?”
I reached for his hand, lacing our fingers together. His chest wasn’t moving as he held his breath, waiting for me to put him out of his misery.
“I want to trust you again. More than anything. I’m just not there yet. Please give me some time?”
“I’ll give you all the time in the world, Dawson. I’m not going anywhere either. And I’m willing to take the pills and do whatever else is needed to be as healthy as I can for you.”
“But you hate taking them. You were…suicidal before,” I forced out. “Why on earth would you put yourself through that again? I don’t want that for you. There’s got to be some other way…”
Theo pressed a finger to my lips, halting my rambling.
“I’ve told myself for months that I didn’t need the pills, that I was fine and in control of myself.
But it was a lie and deep down I knew that.
My head is clear enough right now to see that without them, I have no control.
I do horrible things like get bombed out of my mind and give myself to others when all I want is you. ”
I reflexively tried to pull away at the painful reminder of seeing Theo with those other guys, especially Corvin, but he only grasped my hand tighter.
“I fucking hate myself for what I’ve put you through, and I don’t care about some crappy side effects and feeling “off” as much as I care about you. I’ll do anything to prove that your heart is safe with me. Nothing could be worse than hurting you, so bring it on.”
“And what if the medication brings back…those thoughts again? That’s not worth it to me.”
Theo raised our joined hands and sweetly kissed my knuckles, making butterflies swoop in my gut.
“It’s impossible for me to feel hopeless if I have you by my side, Mercury. Your ring was my anchor, but you’re the reason my heart beats. You’re my reason for wanting to be strong, for wanting to fight for every breath. I have faith in that and it’s worth the risk. We’re worth it.”
I smiled at the conviction in his voice, choosing to trust that he knew what he wanted. I squeezed his hand before releasing him. There was so much I still wanted to know and ask, but he’d given me enough for tonight.
He walked me downstairs and all the way out to his back patio, but once I crossed the threshold, I wasn’t able to leave. We stood there with our gazes locked, that ever-present electricity sparking between us.
“Thank you for everything you shared with me. I know that wasn’t easy for you.”
“I should have told you a long time ago,” he said regretfully. “I don’t think I ever gave you a real apology for how I left you and for…really any of the shitty things I did that hurt you.”
“No, you didn’t,” I reluctantly admitted. Those crystal orbs pierced right into me, misty with remorse.
“I am truly sorry for everything, Dawson. I never wanted to cause you pain and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Even if you’ll only have me as your best friend, I won’t ever quit trying to make you happy. I hope you can forgive me one day.”
I leaned forward and brushed my lips across his cheek in a soft kiss. His sharp intake of breath made my lips quirk up.
“I already have.”
I turned and headed back home, a lightness in my step. Learning the biggest piece of the puzzle released a huge weight off my shoulders. That tiny spark of hope flared bright and hot, disintegrating any trace of doubt that we’d find a way through this.
I only wondered if I could be brave enough to let him love me again.