Chapter 27
Theo
Forty two.
That’s how many gouges were in the wood table top in front of me.
I counted them five times to be sure. My head was offline, buzzing with static and disconnected from everything around me.
For a moment, I even forgot what I was doing there or who I was with.
It was difficult to concentrate on anything other than dragging in oxygen. And counting gouges.
“Theo, do you want a refill?”
Someone nudged my shoulder and my head rebooted enough to catch that Aly had asked me a question, pointing at my empty soda. I shook my head, awareness surfacing once again. Aly and Nate had dragged me to lunch between classes.
Without Dawson.
Who wasn’t here.
Fucking away games…
Six weeks into the semester and I was already battling the gray void left in the wake of the Lithium that suffused my system.
That vacant place where every emotion and thought had the edges shaved off, dulled just enough to leave me “functioning” and floating in that safe space between the highs and lows.
I had good days and bad days, but the only real exception was any time spent with Dawson.
He injected life into my world and reminded me what it felt like to be happy when everything inside me started to flatline.
But he couldn’t be around all the time and those quiet moments were always where I was weakest.
Things were…manageable when he wasn’t around, but his away games were rough.
Those forty-eight or so hours shouldn’t have been a big deal, but with Dawson far away and no classes to distract me, it was harder to keep from getting sucked into that lifeless vacuum.
That first weekend he was gone, I’d spent two days in bed feeling like I’d fallen in the lake again.
Panicked, tired, then nothing. The nothingness was what truly scared me.
Thank fuck he’d only had two away games so far, including this weekend.
With football in high gear, it was an act of the gods to get any quality time with Dawson.
If it wasn’t practice or conditioning that was stealing him away, it was exhaustion from the week and whatever energy he had left was devoted to his coursework.
Oh, and orgasms. Sometimes all we could manage were mutual blowjobs before he passed out, but the times we really needed to connect, I would sink into that sinful body of his, feeling like I could finally breathe.
I either fucked him into the mattress and made him scream, or I made love to him until he was crying beautiful tears as he came for me.
We hadn’t been able to go on another date since the Neverland do-over last month.
I worried I was letting Dawson down, like I was a poor substitute for the boyfriend I’d been before.
We couldn’t find time for another real date and all the gifts I thought of weren’t good enough.
There was a low-hanging sense of dread that I was screwing up this relationship after we’d only just gotten off the ground.
There was a bustle of activity as everyone gathered their stuff, bringing an end to my morose thoughts.
We stood and started a slow meander towards the Tower at the center of campus.
I stared up at it, beautiful and imposing, and wondered what the view would be like from the top.
In that quiet moment of curiosity, an old idea flickered.
A wondering turned morbid. A spark in the deepest recesses of my brain that whispered words I didn’t always try hard enough to ignore.
Let it stop—you’ll be free—
Someday…
“How many more classes do you have today?” Aly asked, jarring me back to reality. Guilt rushed up from the void, turning my skin clammy and restricting my lungs as the realization of what I’d allowed into my head hit me.
“Uh…just one. Over in the, um…McCombs building,” I stammered like an idiot.
“Oh sweet! That’s where I’m headed,” Nate chimed in. “You can walk with me.”
“You boys have fun. I’m off to chem lab…oh, joy,” she deadpanned, heading in the opposite direction.
I wanted to tell Nate I wasn’t in the mood for company, that I needed to call Dawson immediately. I had to tell him what happened. I promised not to hide it so he could help me.
I need Dawson’s light to chase away the darkness.
“Man, Dawson’s got a fight on his hands this weekend. You know about the Red River Rivalry, right? Woah! Try saying that five times fast,” he giggled. Actually giggled. Why the fuck was that endearing on him?
“Yeah dude, I grew up in Austin. I hate OU as much as the next guy,” I snickered.
The Red River Rivalry game against Oklahoma University was a cutthroat tradition dating back to the 1900s.
The fans on both sides could be vicious and winning the game was considered “a matter of honor”, like we were the fucking Hatfields and McCoys.
The reminder of how major the game was tomorrow pulled me up short.
I couldn’t tell Dawson what was happening with me, not now.
He couldn’t be distracted or worried about me when all his focus needed to be there.
He might not want that for his future, but Dawson still cared about the game. Especially this one.
“Oh yeah, I forgot you were from here. Anyway, a few of us are watching the game at our apartment tomorrow if you wanna come. Come cheer on your man while he kicks some Sooner ass,” he pressed, wagging his eyebrows and elbowing me playfully.
“Yeah, maybe. Sounds fun though.”
My noncommittal answer wasn’t doing it for him though. “Look T, I’m gonna level with you. Dawson asked me to keep an eye on you, make sure you were having fun this weekend and felt included.”
I bristled with irritation that Dawson might have told Nate about my situation. I didn’t need a fucking keeper. I just needed him.
“I think he’s only worried that you’re still adjusting to being new here and wants you to feel at home with his friends.
I mean, we’re a cluster of stone-cold weirdos—present company excluded of course—but we’re family.
That makes you family too. And even though you’ve totally stolen him away from me,” he paused, flashing me a wink, “I’m really glad that he has you back.
I always thought he was happy before, but seeing how he is with you now, I don’t think that was happiness. I think it was survival.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. It hit too close to home, thinking of how Dawson had been my survival the last few years.
He’d been the beacon that saved me from the darkness, a tourniquet to stop the hope from bleeding out of me.
I survived because of Dawson. I had him even when I didn’t. But Dawson had needed someone too.
“I’m glad he met you, Nate. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous as hell that he had a new best friend.
I’d been the only one he had for almost ten years, so it was a tough pill to swallow,” I revealed sheepishly.
“But I’m grateful you were there when I couldn’t be.
He’s told me how much you mean to him. You’ve been a great fucking friend and I can’t thank you enough for being there for him. ”
Nate gave me a pensive look that I’d never seen on his normally carefree face. Then his lips tugged up at the corners and his arms opened wide. “Aww, bring it in, brother. There’s plenty of D-man for the both of us, but that means you’ve got me too!”
I coughed out a breath as he crushed me to him in a surprisingly strong hug. I awkwardly returned it, but a tiny smile cracked through at his claim.
“Hey, do you know what time it is?” Nate asked abruptly, shoving me back and holding me at arms length.
“Uhh, no?”
“It’s two-fifteen…and OU still sucks!”
I couldn’t help answering Nate’s Cheshire Cat grin with my own. He seemed pleased with himself as we headed off towards our classes, and I decided having Nate as a friend didn’t sound so bad. In fact, it sounded pretty good right now. Maybe Dawson wasn’t my only source of light after all.
It was pandemonium in Dawson’s and Nate’s apartment as the clock ran down the final seconds of the game. UT was trailing OU by three points and if they got this touchdown, they’d clinch the Red River showdown.
Dawson was locked in, hunting for his opening and feeling the pressure.
I saw the offensive line caving and my heart plummeted, bracing myself to watch Dawson get sacked.
The line broke and just as the defense rushed in, Dawson launched the ball with a force that made my own arm throb.
It sailed cleanly into the hands of his wide receiver who shot off like a rocket.
“Holy shit! Let’s goooo!”
“Run, motherfucker, RUN!”
“Come on, you’ve got this! Go go go!”
Loud shouts from Nate, Griffin, and Bash rang in my ears as they all leapt from their seats. When my throat started to hurt, I noted incredulously that I was yelling along with them. The bubble of anhedonia I’d been trapped in for weeks popped without me noticing, even if only temporarily.
Soon, everyone joined us, our shouts coalescing into a booming cheer as the receiver sprinted into the end zone, sealing the win. Limbs flailed around me in excitement, hugging and shaking me vigorously while we watched Dawson and his team celebrating their victory on the sidelines.
“Holy fucking Sooner-balls! Our boy kicked ass!” Nate cried, clapping his hands to my cheeks, which were sore from how wide I was grinning.
I turned my attention back to the TV, hoping to catch as many glimpses of Dawson as I could. The cameras slowly panned over the team, and when I saw Dawson’s smile, there was no emptiness behind it. No exhaustion. Only pure, undiluted joy.
And it was so fucking beautiful.