Chapter 34 #2
“It’s not a big deal. It was just a stupid talk we had last time I saw him. Forget it.”
“What kind of talk? When was that?” I asked bewildered, both by the statement and his irritation. Theo rolled his eyes and shrugged, but the warning in my gaze urged him on.
“It was at your first game. Your dad sat by me and started talking about how important your NFL career was and how my bipolar disorder can screw everything up for you and I should think about that if we’re going to try to be together.”
“What? He actually said that to you?” I asked angrily.
“I mean, not those exact words, but I knew what he meant.”
I shook my head in confusion. “Wait…what exactly did he say?”
“He just…” Theo broke off with a frustrated grunt.
“He said something like your job would keep you crazy busy and you wouldn’t always be there to help me with this shit, so we needed to make sure we knew what we were getting into because he didn’t want it to mess with your career or my health.
But it was clear he didn’t think we should be together… ”
“Did he ever say we shouldn’t be together?”
“Well no, but why would he say any of that if not to scare me off?”
“Theo, it doesn’t sound like he was trying to scare you off. That’s not like Dad, he’s always been supportive of us! And it’s only because he thinks I’m going to the NFL and wanted us to be careful, but it doesn’t matter since I’m not going. Why are you freaking out about this?”
“Because it’s obvious he doesn’t think I’m good enough!” Theo cried. “He clearly thinks that I’m going to mess up your life with this fucking illness…”
I widened my eyes at how far off the tracks this conversation seemed to be getting and I worked to make sense of it.
“Baby, what are you talking about? That’s not what he meant, I can guarantee it. Both my parents love you and know you’re more than good enough. Why are you being so…paranoid?”
Theo froze at the quiet question and I wanted to take it back.
“Paranoid” was probably no better than “crazy” in his book, but there was no other word to describe it.
He was starting to spiral for some reason and I didn’t understand why.
I saw a range of emotions dance across his face before he strode over to me, taking my lips in a heated kiss.
I clung to his waist as he forced us backwards until I hit the wall, attacking my mouth with a fervor that made my head swim.
His tongue lashed out and sparred with mine while he ran his hands frantically over every muscle he could reach.
It was an attack on my senses that left me reeling and in any other context, I’d be raring to go.
But something felt off about it that made my stomach clench nervously.
“Theo, slow down,” I gasped out as he nipped and sucked at my neck down to my collarbone, purpling my flesh.
“Let me show you…I’ll show you I’m good enough. Let me make you feel good, baby,” he pleaded, voice gravelly with lust and desperation.
His hands landed on the front of my jeans and he quickly undid my belt and fly, freeing my aching length from its confines. He spit in his hand and started a furious pace of pumping me in his tight fist, the sensation both divine and overpowering.
“Ngh…b-baby, wait. This is…hold on, p-please stop.”
Theo stopped the frenzied rhythm without removing his hand from my cock. His eyes were wild and hazy as he stared at me in confusion.
“Why do you want to stop? Am I doing something wrong?”
I struggled to find the right words. “No, it’s just—you don’t seem like yourself.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. It’s like…you’re not really here or something. Your touch feels different somehow…”
Theo released me with a scoff, spreading his arms wide.
“What do you want from me? You were hurt when I had no sex drive, but now it’s finally back and you’re still not happy?
I’m either too much or not enough again, huh?
This is as good as it gets right now, so please tell me what you want from me! ”
I gaped at yet another rapid turn in his mood, but what shook me the most was the distress in his voice.
My gut sank and I felt as though I was watching him come apart at the seams, helpless to stop it.
I couldn’t form words as too many things hit me all at once.
Fear, worry, sadness, and confusion all grappled in my chest and stalled every response I could think of in my throat.
Theo watched me expectantly, chest heaving and his fingers twitching at his sides. When all I could do was stammer quietly, irritation and disappointment lined his features.
“Forget it,” he muttered. He brushed by me and my heart splintered the tiniest bit.
I knew he wasn’t walking away for good, but that fear of being abandoned welled up from the pits of my mind where I’d worked hard to bury it.
But I didn’t stop him. I just stood there, caught between wanting to go to him and knowing it wouldn’t even make a difference if I did.
I stayed at Neverland until the sun sank behind the trees and the air turned chilly.
I drove back slowly, lost in thoughts of Theo and the conflicting signs I’d seen the last few days.
I was rudderless and baffled without a single clue what to do to help him or even knowing if that was possible anymore.
I slipped in through the back door and snuck past the living room where I could hear the family watching some loud action film. As I reached the first step, I startled at Mom’s soft voice behind me.
“How is he doing?”
I blew out a sharp exhale through my nostrils, my eyes squeezing shut against the small headache forming.
“I honestly don’t know. Every time I think he’s getting somewhere with his treatment and doing well, something happens that drags him right back down. And now, he’s acting weird again and I can’t shake the feeling that something is really wrong.”
She reached out and ran a soothing hand up and down my arm, coaxing my gaze to hers. Once I did, the dam inside broke and cold tears slid down my cheeks.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, Mom…”
Her arms came around my shoulders and I gave into the comfort her embrace brought me. It was a tiny reprieve to set down the weight that I was buckling under. I wondered if I was ever able to bring that sense of relief to Theo when he was this close to crumbling.
“I know you are, honey. But I have faith in you two. What defines a relationship is how well you both deal with the trouble that comes your way because it will always come. You and Theo love each other so much and you have what it takes to get through this.”
“What if that’s not enough?” I whispered despondently. She pulled back to cup my cheeks and keep my eyes on her.
“Love alone may not be enough, but it’s what gives you the strength and determination to get through the hardest times. The deeper the love, the more willing you are to fight through anything and everything to make it work. So how much do you love Theo?”
Sweeping music rushed through my head as I thought about Theo and how completely he possessed my heart.
Every emotion within me transposed into a melody that flooded my soul, a refrain of devotion that echoed in my chest. It was an anthem of a love without end, without borders. Ceaseless and all-consuming.
Mom smiled and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “You don’t even have to say it. As long as you feel it, that’s what matters.”
She headed back to the living room and I trudged slowly upstairs. I was barely aware as I showered and got ready for bed. I slid under the covers, an ache expanding in my chest as I wished I had Theo by my side. I fired off a quick text to him since I knew I wouldn’t sleep otherwise.
ME
I love you
We’d already lost four years of “I love you’s” and I’d be damned if I wasted one more day without saying those three words. Theo’s bipolar disorder tricked him enough, so I wouldn’t give it any reason to make him doubt my love for him.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been out when I was jostled awake by the bed dipping behind me.
Panic spiked for only a second before I breathed in the alluring scent of citrus and cedar.
My heart hammered away for a whole new reason when Theo’s arm wound around me, pulling my back into his sculpted chest.
Tears pricked at my lash line as he started trailing warm kisses across my bare shoulder and I sank into his touch.
I reached for the hand he rested on my pec, linking our fingers and pressing them firmly above my thudding heart.
I could feel the puffs of air on my skin as he whispered something repeatedly between kisses.
I’m sorry…I love you…I’m sorry…
The words severed the last, fraying thread holding me back and I flipped around to face him, my lips finding his in the dark.
Theo explored my mouth with a slow, deep passion that bordered on worship.
He stripped us both unhurriedly, cherishing my body with his hands and mouth until I begged him to take me.
And when he finally slid inside my body, I let the tears flow freely as he made love to me, creating the most beautiful music two bodies could make.