Chapter 9 #2
“We both do,” he comments in a softer tone. His green eyes are pinned on me.
No, you do. I’ll never be happy like I was with him, but it’s okay. I’ll trade mine for his. I need to work on the mess inside my head, and he needs to work on his career.
“I love you, tesoro, more than anything in this world. I know you need space. I’ll give it to you. I will wait for you as long as it takes. But, Rainey, I will always be a call away. I’m here for you when you are ready.” His voice is soft and steady.
I hate that I hang by every word he says when I know I shouldn’t. I need to let him go.
“You promised,” I remind him.
“I know,” he whispers.
What’s left to say? Nothing. My chest aches like a million pieces shattered inside me.
“Does any of this have to do with last night?” His gaze searches my face for a reaction.
I don’t give him one. Maybe a tad bit of it does. He’s so busy that he forgot to call. It’s not that I need to be in control and know every step he takes, but it would have been nice to have been called. And not watch him be drunk when climbing the stairs.
“Yes and no,” I say flatly.
He winces. Max knows me better than I do, and I forget. I wouldn’t break up with him over this, but it proves he has a lot going on in his life.
We stay quiet for four long minutes. His buzzing phone breaks the silence.
Max pulls it out of his pocket, then silences it, shoving it back into his slacks.
“My Sunshine…I need to get to work. Leo is calling. I’m late for a meeting.
” He sighs. The whites of his eyes are red.
“Will you be here when I get home?” His eyes fill with hope.
There is no reason to stay. I have my home, and I just broke up with my boyfriend.
“No, Max.” My voice comes out full of anguish.
His fingers run through his soft hair, tugging on it, his jaw clenched.
Max nods, taking steps toward me, eating the space between us.
A chill runs down my spine, and my stomach twists when he pulls a strand behind my ear.
“Te amo, Rainey.” His breath fans my neck.
“I’ll love you in every lifetime. If there’s such a thing as reincarnation, I’d like to be the one to find you, life after life.
One thing—remember…You’ll. Always. Be. Mine.
” Those last four words, he emphasizes with a sharp, husky tone.
Before stepping away, he kisses my cheek.
I close my eyes, and when I open them, he’s at the door—staring at me as if I’m his lifeline. Then he turns and walks out the door.
A deep growl cuts through the air—Max’s Nova.
The coffee in my stomach turns acidic, burning.
My fingers dig into my sides as I clutch myself, mouth filling with saliva.
I bolt to the bathroom, hip hitting the doorframe.
I fall to my knees before bitter coffee splashes into porcelain, my fingers white-knuckled on the rim.
Fuck.
I rinse my mouth, then run toward the window. He’s gone. My heart shatters, but this time I did it. I left him. I just need to remind myself why.
For him. For us. For me.
You are a trigger. He deserves a life where he can forget the past, not look at it every day.
Those harsh words brand my skin.
With that, I pack my belongings and Daisy’s. I’m going to be selfish and keep her. That’s the only thing I have that belongs to us.
It’s been two miserable days without Max.
When he left me on the doorstep of the cabin, I was a mess, but this time, it’s much worse.
His dress shirts, cologne, toothbrush, shoes, belt, and one of his watches are in my home.
To comfort myself, I pile it on the bed and dig my nose in it like Daisy is doing.
God, I miss him. I called Isabella to let her know I came down with the flu.
She panicked like a mother hen. She Uber Eats me some caldo de pollo from a local restaurant.
Even though the chicken soup was amazing, I couldn’t keep it in.
Someone drums at the door. I groan into the pillow. I throw the covers off me. I shuffle to the door, Daisy at my heels. I get on my tiptoes to see—It’s Lana. Ugh. Another mother hen to the rescue.
The bright sun blinds my vision—Lana parades in like she always does. “I’ve called you. You haven’t picked up. Isabella said you’re sick.”
“Yes. I just want to be alone.”
She surveys the house. “Fucking no. I’m not leaving you alone.
” Her hands fly up, exaggerating. “Look at this place. It looks like a coven of vampires lives here. Are you hiding Dracula here?” She yanks back the navy-blue curtains, and I flinch as sunlight floods the room, revealing dust motes dancing above piles of crumpled tissues and discarded blankets.
“Lord,” she mutters, stooping to gather the pile of blankets on the floor, hooking them to her arm.
My eyes water as I squint against the brightness, watching Lana rush from the living room to the kitchen, picking up the trail of Kleenex. “Where’s Max?”
An uncontrollable sob howls out of me. The pain is like a thousand stab wounds bleeding out of my chest. “I…I left him. I broke up with him.” My head falls to her shoulder, and she holds me. My body goes limp. Lana drags me onto the sofa.
“Ney, what happened? Why? Don’t you love him?”
“Yes.” I sniffle. “I do love him. That’s why I had to let him go.
I’m a fucking mess. I can’t sleep. I feel like I’m in someone else’s body.
” Lana pulls me off her shoulder and lays my head on her lap, wiping the tears off.
“I just feel lost…like I’m losing myself,” I whisper softly.
“Am I exaggerating? I don’t want to be a crybaby. ”
Lana wipes her tears. “No, Rainey, you aren’t exaggerating.
You have every right to feel this way. This isn’t something normal to take lightly.
You have been through hell and back. I would be worried if you bounced back as if nothing had happened.
You have a lot of trauma to work through. It’s going to take time.”
“Do you think I should see a therapist?”
Her cold fingers comb through my hair. “What do you think, babe? Aren’t you the one wanting to become a therapist?”
Ugh. She’s right, but I want to heal myself.
“Yes, but I’m terrified to talk about it because that means I have to relive it all.”
“I know it’s scary, and I can come with you. But you’re never going to overcome it if you keep on sweeping it under the rug. Now, was it necessary to let the man you love go?”
It was necessary. I don’t tell her about Carlos. That will make her angry. I don’t need her running to Max. I do tell her some of my reasons. Lana may not understand them. She didn’t live in my past life. She didn’t see the marks on his back that I had caused. This pain is for me to bear.
“Okay. I know I can’t understand it because you won’t tell me much, but I’m here for you. I will help you in any way you need. But please don’t push me away. Now, how about you shower, and I’ll order something to eat?”
I sigh and get myself up. I check my phone, and no missed calls or anything. Maybe he did need the breakup. “I’m not that hungry. I think I’m coming down with something, or maybe it’s the pain in my heart that has my stomach clenching.”
“It’s possible. What sounds good to try?”
“Maybe a sandwich with no mayo.”
She nods and picks up her phone. “I’ll order from the deli across the street.” She shoos me with her hands. “Go shower. I’ll find a movie.”
The hot water washes away the grime, but not the grief of my past nor the present.
I step out of the shower feeling physically cleaner, but Max’s absence still hollows me out from the inside.
This pain has settled in for a lifetime, making itself at home in my chest. I drag the brush through my wet hair, wincing as it catches on tangles.
Each sharp tug against my scalp is almost a relief—at least this kind of hurt will eventually stop.
When I enter the living room, Lana has a eucalyptus candle burning in the center of the coffee table.
A brown bag is on the sofa, with throw blankets on either side.
Thank God she doesn’t have a romance movie on.
Instead, she has true ghost stories playing.
At least that will get my mind off him. I’ll be looking over my shoulder, hoping a ghost is not behind me, trying to possess me.
The cool sandwich feels good on my stomach, finally. I inhale the food like I haven’t eaten in days. I guess I really haven’t. I stare at the tattoo on my wrist and rub for an entirely different reason. To remember him.
We watch ghost stories that would have me live in a cave instead of in a place where something is scratching the shit out of me.
Lana stirs up a conversation about how she’s been seeing Toby, the ringside physician.
She claims they are starting slow, just hanging out, and seeing where it all leads, if it does.
I’m guessing she forgot about the one-night stand she had in the hospital room.
She hasn’t spoken about him. Her dad is having a field day about it. He wants her to settle down.
“Is he still trying to force you to marry him?” I ask, licking my cheese fingers from the bag of chips.
She snorts. “No, he can’t force me to do shit, but I will give it a try. Only because Toby is sweet and we have some stuff in common.”
Minutes later, I’m dozing off on the sofa. I’m always unsure what dreams I’ll have. Will they be sweet, full of wondrous things? Will it be a nightmare?
Tonight, it’s a nightmare. One I wish to erase from my memory.