DINNER TRAY PEN PALS
Titus,
Did your mother hire me to punish you?
Also, why were you spying on me at Walker’s?
Mariah
Mariah,
I wasn’t spying on you. I was spying on him.
And no, I don’t think she hired you to punish me. If she did, the joke’s on her.
Titus
Titus,
Interesting… Do you think it was to punish me? Because I’m starting to get a little bit of cabin fever wandering around all alone every day.
Maybe I should bake another of your brothers a cake. What flavors does Tucker like? I’ve heard he’s super friendly.
Mariah
Mariah,
Tucker hates cake. And visitors. Whoever told you he’s friendly is a liar. Stay far, far away from him. He’s a nightmare.
I’m sorry you have cabin fever. Would more pots and pans help? Maybe all the tools to start a new hobby?
What about a pony? I can make a pony happen in about two seconds.
Titus
Titus,
No more pots and pans. There’s nowhere to put them.
Also no need to find me a hobby. I’m not bored (there’s still plenty to clean down here, you filthy animal).
It’s the lack of human interaction that’s getting to me.
My last job was at a busy inn and there were tons of people around.
I guess I got used to always having someone to talk to.
Also, can you seriously get me a pony?
Mariah
Mariah,
That sounds awful. Like my worst nightmare. Please don’t try to turn my house into an inn. I’d be forced to take drastic measures. Like releasing the spikes surrounding the property line.
Would it help if we actually spoke? I could call you. I’m not opposed to all forms of contact, even if it seems that way. Being face-to-face with people is difficult for me, but I’m relatively capable of being a tolerable conversationalist.
And yes, I can seriously get you a pony. Just say the word and you can be petting her in the morning.
Titus
Titus,
I have zero intention of turning your house into an inn. I’ve spent way too much time cleaning it to allow people I don’t know to mess it all up again.
I’m also enjoying the freedom of cooking for only one person. Feeding a bunch of people at once meant I had to stick with the basics, and it’s been nice to be able to experiment. Hopefully I haven’t gone too crazy with my ideas.
I would be open to the possibility of a phone conversation.
I’m assuming I don’t need to give you my number since you’re capable of hacking into your brother’s security system, and somehow managed to deposit money into my bank account—thanks for that by the way.
But, can I have yours? I might also have a little of the antisocial bug, and I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know.
Spikes? I want to think you’re kidding, but you have a whole safe room upstairs. Speaking of, what happens to me if someone comes in here to get at your stuff? Do I just offer them cake and coffee and let them go about their business?
Mariah
Mariah,
I hadn’t thought of that, but now I’m considering actually adding a ring of spikes to my security system. Possibly a moat. How do you feel about cannons? Are you for or against their use? I’m sure Tucker could come up with something—NOT that you should go ask him about it.
Be as creative as you want in the kitchen. There’s very little I don’t like, but even if you make something I don’t necessarily love, I’m positive it will still be a million times better than anything I could make myself. My mother’s love of cooking and having a nice house skipped me.
You are correct, I don’t need your number, but it’s technically not because I hunted it down.
My mother forwarded me your information (not until after I hacked into her email for your bank information) and it’s included in that.
I’ll text you later tonight so you have it.
I won’t have time to talk today, but maybe tomorrow after lunch?
Have you decided on the pony situation? Yes? No?
I could also possibly find you a miniature cow if you’d prefer.
Titus
P.S. Intruders do NOT get cake. Especially since I no longer get cake.
P.P.S. No coffee for them either.
Titus,
I feel like we’ve covered the whole cake thing before.
You can have cake anytime you want. All you have to do is come get it.
In unrelated news, have I ever told you I have a recipe for the most amazing raspberry lemon cake? I would argue it’s superior to every other cake I make.
As far as the cannons and moat go, I think I’ll pass. It seems hazardous to have that kind of artillery laying around. Plus, what would we even put in the moat? Alligators? Not in Wyoming.
I’m also going to pass on the pony. I doubt it will be an effective deterrent, and I’m fairly confident they’re not made for moat living. Same for a miniature cow.
Tomorrow after lunch would be an acceptable time to call. I’ll do my best to be available. My boss is very demanding though, so I can’t make any promises.
Mariah
Mariah,
I’m not your boss. If I was, you would have brought me more cake by now.
Talk soon.
Titus