Chapter 18 #2
Even if I made it through this and got to go home, Vaughn wouldn’t be coming with me. He’d said as much when he’d admitted that he’d keep helping kids even after he got Gio out. He couldn’t live that kind of life and still be with me, could he?
Could I?
Could I spend every day for God only knew how long, worried about the day he wouldn’t come home to me?
I dropped my eyes and fought back the nausea threatening to ruin the delicious meal I’d just eaten. I waited for him to say something, anything that would confirm he would meet my family, but he remained silent.
I began picking at my food again, though my appetite was gone.
“Can I ask where Gio’s mom is? You guys don’t mention her,” I asked, hoping to get past the awkward moment.
Mission definitely not accomplished because when I looked up at Vaughn, he looked stiff and tense.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
“No,” he said as he put his hand on my thigh when I started to get up. “No, it’s just… it’s not something we talk about… ever.”
“How come?”
“She’s gone… she was killed when Gio was taken. She tried to stop the guys and they shot her… in the head.”
“Oh God, James, I’m sorry…”
He shook his head. “She and Luca weren’t in a relationship, but he really did love her and she was such an incredible mother to Gio.
He pretty much lost his best friend and his son all in one day.
He’s never really recovered from that… he kind of went off the rails for a while afterwards.
Wouldn’t eat or sleep or even talk to anyone, really. ”
“You guys said he went in on his own in the beginning to look for Gio.”
Vaughn nodded. “He didn’t tell any of us. Could’ve gotten himself killed. Luckily, he never told people who he really was and no one seemed to make the connection. He looked different back then, too… younger, less…”
He fell silent and this time I was the one to put my hand on his leg.
Vaughn didn’t need to finish the description… I’d seen what that other world did to its victims, and even if Luca hadn’t suffered the same kind of pain, he’d suffered. The whole family had.
I pushed my plate away because my appetite was completely gone.
“You should finish,” Vaughn said gently.
“No, I just want to go to our room… with you.”
He seemed to understand my need to be with him in that way because he kissed me softly and then said, “Let’s go.”
We took our plates to the kitchen, which was empty, and left them in the sink. Vaughn held my hand as we made our way down the hallway to the room we were sharing. Once we reached the door, he turned to me as he was reaching for the knob. “Do you want to call Dante?” he asked.
I did, but my mind was somewhere else at the moment and I wanted to go with the feeling before I chickened out.
I shook my head and then pulled him down for a kiss.
I let my tongue slide into his mouth before inviting him to take over the kiss.
I’d become a self-proclaimed expert at kissing in the past week, and I knew what to do to get him to take control, at least of my mouth.
Vaughn groaned and leaned into me. His hands moved down my back to my behind. He pulled me against his erection and then he was leaning back against the door, taking me with him.
“We should go inside,” I said against his mouth. “I don’t want Con to offer me his grits while we’re getting naked.”
Vaughn stilled, but I wasn’t sure if it was the grits comment or the fact that I’d just changed the game on him by announcing we should get naked. When he moaned and then suddenly used his hands to lift me and spin me so my back hit the door, I knew it was the latter.
“Door,” he ground against my mouth between kisses. “Open the fucking door.”
I fumbled for the doorknob and managed to turn it.
Luckily, Vaughn managed to catch my weight before we both stumbled through it.
He kicked the door shut behind him and then he was carrying me to the bed.
I felt a moment of fear when his weight came down on top of me when we hit the mattress, but then he rolled us so he was the one on his back.
I put my hands on his shoulders and urged him to stay where he was as I broke the kiss.
“I want to try it the other way,” I said. “Can we do that, but if I get scared—”
“Anything, Aleks,” Vaughn said as he sat up, taking me with him. His feet were still on the floor so I ended up straddling his lap, my knees on each side of his hips. “Can I take this off?” he asked as he tugged at my shirt.
It was actually my shirt, since I’d taken to only wearing his at night while I slept.
I nodded and lifted my arms. I forced some oxygen into my lungs and reminded myself he’d seen me naked many times. He’d touched me while I was naked many times. The only difference was that he would be doing it while he was aroused.
God help me, but in my mind, that was a pretty big difference.
But this was Vaughn.
My Vaughn.
My James.
Vaughn’s big hands lifted my shirt as he slid his rough palms up my sides. I shivered at how good it felt. His eyes held mine as he worked the shirt off over my head. Once it was gone, he just held there, studying me, his eyes open and soft.
The way he was looking at me made me feel like the most beautiful, most cherished thing ever.
But not a possession.
Never that.
I put my hands on his face and relished in the softness of his beard. I kissed him, but he kept it quick and simple. I was expecting him to shift us so I was beneath him, so I wasn’t prepared for him to dip his head.
And close his mouth around my nipple.
Air rushed out of me as electricity fired through my entire body.
“Oh, God,” I whispered as he sucked on me, then licked over the sensitive flesh.
His hands roamed over my back slowly, lingering on all the lines of raised flesh.
We’d never talked about my scars, but he’d always touched them reverently in the shower…
like he’d understood what I’d had to go through to survive them.
“James, please,” I whispered when he started teasing my other nipple.
One hand slid down to my waist, then beneath the waistband of my jeans.
I wanted to actually thank Con for buying me pants that were just a bit too big because it meant Vaughn could easily slide his fingers past the material.
My underwear was another matter, though.
It was too snug for him to easily get his hand beneath and he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to do so.
I, on the other hand, had felt his hand on my bare skin there several times and I was very much in a hurry to feel it again.
I grabbed him by the ears to get him to release my nipple. He lifted his head and then my mouth was on his again. Our positions meant I was a little higher than him and I took complete advantage of that fact.
But it didn’t last.
I let out a little gasp when he lifted and moved me beneath him with next to no effort. My heart was in my throat when he pressed me into the mattress, but I managed to quell the immediate need to tell him to stop.
But he’d already stopped.
No, he hadn’t moved off me, but he wasn’t kissing me anymore.
“James,” I began, but he shook his head.
“I’m not going anywhere, Aleks. We’re just going to take as much time with this as you need. Remember, our pleasure is about both of us. And trust me, I won’t get even an ounce of pleasure out of any of this if you aren’t with me one hundred percent.”
I felt both relieved and foolish at the same time. I doubted there were any other men on the planet who had to work as hard as Vaughn did… and who were even half as understanding.
“Okay,” I said. I let my hands roam over his shoulders and down his back. “Will you take this off?” I asked as I tugged at his shirt.
He nodded and reached behind him with one hand to pull the shirt off over his head. He tossed it aside. I made a mental note to wear that one to sleep in tonight because it would smell like him.
It was silly, I knew, because he’d be right next to me and if all this worked out like it should, I’d want to be naked next to him all night, but I did have a weird fascination with his shirts. Maybe because it felt like he was a part of me when I was wearing his shirt.
Maybe that would change tonight.
Though I knew in my head I wasn’t ready to go that far.
In my heart, I really wanted to give him all of me, but my brain was already screaming at me not to let it happen.
It was warning me that he’d change once he was inside me.
My gut was telling me he wouldn’t, but I couldn’t get past that wall in my brain that was meant to protect me from reality.
Because it would destroy me if he turned out to even be a tiny bit like the men who’d hurt me.
It wasn’t fair to him, but it also wasn’t fair to pretend it was something that it wasn’t.
I just wasn’t ready.
Vaughn braced his weight on his elbow so he could caress my face as I ran my hands over his back. He was so well muscled that I couldn’t get enough of testing how different his body felt than mine.
“You’re so beautiful, Aleks,” he murmured.
“You too,” I said. “Handsome, I mean.”
He laughed. “I’ll take beautiful.”
He kissed me gently over and over until I was the one deepening the kiss. My legs were still hanging off the bed so I spread them to ease the awkward position and his body notched between them. I tensed when his groin pressed against mine.
He didn’t tell me to relax or settle down or to not be afraid. He just held really still and watched my eyes.
I took several deep breaths and then began rubbing his back again. Somehow touching him actually calmed me.
We began kissing again and I was just starting to relax and get into it when he practically ripped his mouth from mine. He was panting like crazy and I could feel his hardness grinding against me. I was hard too, but he seemed worse off.
This is it. He’s going to do it now. He’s going to fuck me. He won’t be able to control himself.
“Aleks,” Vaughn breathed.
I needed to tell him no. I needed to tell him I couldn’t do it, but my fear of upsetting him took over. What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I wasn’t normal? Was it really worth losing him?
I opened my mouth to tell him I was ready but he suddenly kissed me softly. “Aleks, I want you inside of me… do you want that too?”
Wait.
What?