Prologue #2
The confirmation that he was indeed an addict made something seize in my chest. My PI had found evidence that Remy had been enrolled in a Methadone program when he’d arrived in Seattle two years earlier, but I’d wanted to believe that meant his life had gotten…
What, Luca? Better? How the fuck does life get better after something like that?
I didn’t have an answer for the question.
“So Joe is your sponsor,” I said as stood. I saw Remy tense up slightly, but otherwise he didn’t react.
“Was,” Remy corrected. “He OD’d six months ago.” Remy crossed his arms. “He’d been sober twelve years. Then his wife left him and he went in search of his old friend… they say it doesn’t take much to have you wanting to reach for that needle,” he added casually.
Like it was all some foregone conclusion.
“Could be something as simple as a smell that reminds you of the room you used to get high in… or someone who looks like your dealer… or something from your past shows up to remind you how fucked up the world really is.”
I ignored the not-so-subtle message.
“And the voice?” I asked. “Joe’s voice?”
Remy actually looked guilty for a moment. “I knew Aleks would come over here if he knew I was by myself.”
“They were already here,” I said as I motioned to the door behind him. “I was half expecting my brother to break the damn thing down, with the way Aleks was calling your name.”
I didn’t tell him that I also figured the hotel I was staying at probably would have been Aleks and Vaughn’s next stop after Remy’s apartment. My brother had messaged and called me multiple times, but I’d ignored his efforts to reach out to me.
I began walking toward Remy. With every step I took, he got more tense.
Other than being a little too thin, he was a beautiful man and I didn’t recognize any of the child he’d been when I’d first met him.
His hair was a lush brown that had lighter streaks running through it.
It was haphazardly styled, like he was the kind of person who ran his fingers through the lush locks a lot and didn’t realize it.
His eyes were a deep blue color and he had full eyebrows, a straight nose, and a square jaw with just a hint of stubble on it.
But it was his mouth that I was having the hardest time keeping my gaze off of.
His lips were a soft shade of pink and there was no other way to describe them than totally kissable.
I lifted my eyes and saw that Remy was watching me with what could only be called caution.
He’d undoubtedly noticed me checking him out.
“Nice trick with the voice,” I said. “If I hadn’t been looking at you, I definitely would have been fooled.”
“I’m good at tricks,” Remy said, his hard eyes pinning mine. My confusion must have shown because he tilted his head at me. “Oh, so he didn’t tell you,” Remy said softly.
I’d closed the distance between Remy and myself by at least half, but something in the way he said those last words had me coming to a stop.
None of this encounter was happening how I’d envisioned it.
I’d just wanted the chance to make sure Remy was okay and try to explain why I’d done what I’d done eight years earlier. Maybe we could…
What?
I didn’t have an answer for myself. Well, I did, but they were all selfish ones.
Maybe he’ll forgive me and I can stop hearing his sobs in my head every time I close my eyes.
Maybe he’ll say he’s okay and there was nothing I could have done differently.
Maybe he’ll tell me he’s happy and I can finally fucking breathe again.
Remy kept moving toward me, his eyes never leaving my face.
I expected him to stop long before he reached me, but he didn’t.
He didn’t stop until his body was practically brushing mine.
His right hand came up to stroke down my chest and my cock instantly responded.
I’d already felt like the lowest form of life on the planet for the fact that I’d been half-hard since he’d walked into the apartment, but now I just wanted to curl up into a ball of shame because I couldn’t control my reaction to his nearness.
And my entire life was about control.
“Do you know what they do to you when you don’t play by the rules, Luca?
” Remy asked softly, almost seductively as he skimmed his hand down my chest. I told myself to step back, but I couldn’t move.
I knew how fucked up all this really was, but I just couldn’t move.
My body was homed in on his touch, but my mind was focused on his voice and his words, and I knew whatever was coming would just make everything worse.
But fuck if I didn’t deserve worse.
So much worse.
My suffering was a drop in the hat compared to his.
“They let the pimps have you because you’re too much trouble for the high-paying clients,” Remy said softly.
His fingers touched my dick through my dress pants, but my body was thankfully catching up to my mind and my flesh wasn’t responding.
But unfortunately, my cock wasn’t deflating fast enough, so to Remy it probably looked like the whole thing was turning me on.
Which just made me more of a sick fuck in his eyes than I already was.
I let his words wrap around my mind as I accepted the truth of what he was telling me.
“I’m sor—”
The fingers of Remy’s left hand quickly closed over my mouth to silence me. His touch was gentle, but his eyes were full of bitter, brittle anger.
“You owe me this,” he whispered, and I nodded because I understood what he was saying, and he was right.
The least I could do was listen to what my actions had done to him.
“They first took me when I was eleven. I lost track of how many guys fucked me, but I never forgot the one who didn’t,” Remy said softly.
“Even after they sold me to a pimp who shot me up with heroin right before he ‘tested the merchandise’ for himself, I couldn’t stop thinking about the promise that help was coming…
that someone was finally going to come for me.
All I could think about was the gentle voice that had told me about the beach and dolphins and the promise that he’d take me to see them someday. ”
Remy dropped his hand from my mouth. My heart was pounding against my chest and my throat felt so tight I was sure I wouldn’t be able to take even one more breath. I remembered all those things I’d said to him as if it’d been days ago, not years.
“I wish you really had fucked me in that room that day, Luca,” he said, his voice husky with unshed tears. “It would have been kinder,” he added.
I nodded because I knew he was right. I dropped my gaze. When Remy reached for my hand and pulled it to him, I let him. His fingers nudged mine open. Then he was putting something in my palm before he covered my hand with his.
“It’s my turn to forget about you,” Remy bit out, his voice incredibly even. “Take this with you when you go,” he said as he pulled his hand back slightly to reveal a plastic baggie sitting in the middle of my palm. The bag had a small, black rock in it.
But I knew it was no rock.
“You’re not worth losing two years of sobriety,” he whispered as he closed my hand so it was fisted around the baggie. Then he was walking past me and I heard a door snick closed from somewhere behind me.
His bedroom door, probably.
Or bathroom.
It didn’t matter.
It also didn’t matter that he was wrong about one thing.
I’d never forgotten him.
And I knew now, more than ever, I probably never would.
I deserved no less.