Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
Blakely
With that delightful promise, I kissed his lips, rolled over him, and got out of bed. I immediately scooped up the first piece of clothing I could find—his white T-shirt—and tossed it on over my head.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
The only unfortunate thing about the massive bedroom was that it wasn’t one with an en suite. Which meant I had to tiptoe across the hall and hope I didn’t get caught.
“I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Devon, who was still sprawled out on the bed. I carefully twisted the doorknob and made sure no one else was in the hallway before I hurried across.
I slipped inside and used the restroom. When I was washing my hands, I glanced up into the mirror to find I had a small smile on my face. I almost didn’t recognize the woman in my reflection. My fingers brushed against my swollen lips and the sensitive skin on my jaw and cheeks. It was a little red from where his facial hair had scratched against me, but I would put up with it.
Thinking about going back into the bedroom, where Devon would likely still be laying on the bed and waiting for me, made my heart flutter with excitement. I turned to leave but was struck by the immensity of the emotions. Inches from the door, my hand froze mid-air, and tears suddenly gathered in my eyes.
I was happy. I was so happy, and that was hard to wrap my head around. That kind of happiness had been so foreign to me that I didn’t know how to react.
I’d been miserable and lonely for so long, it was hard to comprehend those emotions. That there was a man who was waiting for me and a house full of people who’d forgiven me.
There were so many moments over the past two years where I didn’t think it would be possible for me to feel anything more than indifference. And indifference was the best of the myriad of darker feelings I’d experienced.
Now, I just had to let myself have it and not dwell on the fact that it might all be temporary. In the midst of healing, it was difficult not to slip back there. It was easier to let myself be dragged back into the darkness.
But I wouldn’t let myself do it. Life could change second to second, and I wasn’t going to let what had happened to me, or Nick fucking Hammond, win.
With a shaky, uneven breath, I tried to push away the uncertainty. I wanted to live in the moment. That mindset had seemed so shallow and problematic two years ago, but after what I’d been through, sometimes it was the only way I knew how to get through a day. Dr. Mann said it wasn’t a bad thing either. That it was healthy to only worry about what you had control of, and sometimes all I had control of was the moment I was in.
I reached for the door handle again and was able to push it open. Glancing back and forth down the hall, I hurried across to the bedroom and stepped inside.
I walked in to see Devon back in his gray sweatpants and tugging the comforter off the end of the bed. He looked at me over his shoulder as he let the comforter fall to the ground.
“Didn’t think you’d want to sleep in a giant wet spot. ”
I smiled until I considered his word choice, and asked, “Does that mean you’re not staying?”
He stopped and turned completely, appraising me near the door before crossing to me. He reached for one of my hands and tenderly gripped my fingers. “I would love to stay, I want to stay, but it’s up to you.”
“I want you to stay.”
He smiled, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to get used to seeing that. Devon smiling, showing off his gorgeous white teeth, was magical. Years of small, timid half-smiles were a thing of the past.
He took another step forward and kissed me softly. “I would love for you to be the first thing I see when I wake up tomorrow morning.”
I hummed my agreement against his mouth but pulled away quickly. If I didn’t, I knew things would escalate just as quickly as they always seemed to between us. And I could feel the exhaustion beginning to slip through my muscles.
“Go lay down,” Devon said. “I’ll be right back.”
He slipped out of the door, and I immediately flopped onto the bed. Shimmying beneath the sheets, I tucked the pillow beneath my head and stared out into the room. There was a closet on the other side and along the same front wall. I hadn’t paid much attention to it, but it was hard not to notice it now.
A small column of light peaked out from between the door itself and the frame.
Devon returned and joined me in bed while I continued to smile like an idiot at the closet. Like we’d been doing it for years, he opened his arms for me, and I wedged myself up against him, resting my head on his bare chest.
One of my legs slung over his, I said, “You turned the closet light on.”
He didn’t verbally respond; he just kissed the top of my head and settled back .
“You brought me dinner and bought ChapStick just in case…”
“Mm-hmm.” I felt the sound vibrate through his chest, and his hand began idly rubbing up and down my back. Mine, too, began tracing the tattoos I could make out over his chest.
“I can’t believe you noticed the ChapStick.”
He chuckled, and my head moved up and down with the movement. “Blake, I think you’re going to realize there isn’t much I don’t notice about you.”
“Is that right?”
I couldn’t see him nod, but I felt it. “Yes, that’s right. Especially your nervous tics. Like the ChapStick, or the way you massage the base of your neck. You also tend to sit where no one can approach you from behind. Like with your back to a wall.”
I raised my head and peered back at him. He had been paying attention, and the idea that he cared enough to notice the little things wasn’t a surprise.
“You do watch me,” I said, half joking, but Devon’s expression was serious. He brushed my hair back and cupped my cheek.
“I spent two years thinking you weren’t here anymore, so yeah, I watch you. My eyes can’t help but find you whenever you’re nearby. And even when you’re not, I’m thinking about you and what you might be doing. It makes me sound a little obsessed, but it’s the truth.”
With a small smile, I whispered, “So this isn’t one-sided then?”
Devon barked out a laugh and shook his head. “Absolutely not.”
I laid my head back down on his chest and snuggled further into his arms. Silence descended, but it was comfortable. I listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat and studied the movement and sound of each breath.
He was so still, I thought he’d fallen asleep until he cleared his throat. “Can I ask you something?” He waited for me to nod before he continued. “You don’t have to answer, but is there anything else I need to know? Similar to the dark. Is there anything else that you have a harder time with?”
I fought not to stiffen in his arms, but it was useless. Devon felt it and tucked me closer to his side. My little tics and triggers were proof that I still had a long way to go before my mind was fully recovered. And being faced with them was daunting.
I didn’t want to be scared of the dark forever or dependent on cherry-flavored ChapStick.
Gathering any kernel of courage I could, I said quietly, “The dark is a big one. And I don’t like large crowds. Like you said, I prefer to sit where I can always see someone approaching me from behind, and it’s hard when there’s people surrounding you. I also don’t like being surprised. And…I don’t eat peanut butter anymore.”
I’d never told anyone that last one, but there was something about the intimacy of the moment that made me want to open up. And no one had ever made me feel safer or more seen than Devon did right then.
“Peanut butter?” he asked.
“That’s pretty much all he fed me,” I explained and took a deep breath that was filled with him. It did wonders to keep me grounded in the moment. “Now, even the thought of it makes me feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin.”
“No peanut butter,” he said. “Got it.”
And I could hear in his voice that that wasn’t all he wanted to say, so feeling strong, I prompted, “You can ask me anything. I might not give you the answer you want, but you can ask.”
“Why the ChapStick?”
I told him about the teenage girl who sat with me and waited for the police. And how she offered me her cherry lip balm to help with my severely chapped lips. “It was the first moment of kindness I’d been shown in…months. It didn’t really help, but I guess it stuck with me. ”
His hand on my back stopped, and his arm tightened around me.
In a low, protective voice, he said, “I hate that. I hate all of it.”
“I know,” I said. “I know, but I’m here right now. He didn’t win. I try to remember that when I get angry about everything that happened. Because right now is what’s important.”
I felt him nod, and I ran my nails down the side of his bare chest. He shuddered, and I turned and kissed his chest.
It was weird to think, but his reaction was refreshing. When I’d been found, the cops acted like it was just another day. There was no outrage or anger for the woman who had been chained up in a basement for several months. And when my parents finally deigned to retrieve me from a few states over, they acted like it was a burden. Like I’d inconvenienced them by being kidnapped and traumatized.
Feeling and watching Devon’s anger felt good. He cared enough to be angry on my behalf.
“I know I haven’t told you, or anyone really, about the details?—”
“You don’t have to,” he said quickly, and I appreciated his sincerity.
“I know, but I want to tell you. If you want to hear it?” Wrapped in Devon’s arms, I wanted to open up. Suddenly, I wanted to tell him everything.
“I’ll always listen, Blake. Anything you want to tell me.”
I took a deep breath and let his masculine scent wash over me. “I don’t think now is exactly the time to rehash it all, but I just wanted you to know that he never touched me…like that. He never…”
My words tapered off, and I couldn’t find it in myself to voice the words. Hell, I couldn’t even think of them, because although it never happened, every time I heard his heavy steps on those wooden stairs, I thought, this is it. This is when it happens.
“Fuck,” he growled. “That doesn’t make it any better, but at least… ”
Nodding my agreement, I sighed. “But right now, I’m really enjoying right now,” I muttered into his skin.
It took a minute or two, but I felt Devon eventually relax beneath me. His breathing steadied, and his heartbeat evened out. His calmness eased my own anxiety, and sleep creeped into the edge of my consciousness.
But I heard Devon whisper right before sleep took me. “I love right now.”