Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Blakely
For the first time in a long time, I woke up slowly. I didn’t startle awake from a nightmare, and there wasn’t blind panic at the thought of opening my eyes.
I just gradually gained consciousness, first feeling the bed beneath me and the soft blanket above me. Cocooned in warmth, my eyes began to flutter open when the next thing I felt was a large body pressed into my side.
Somewhere in my subconscious, I knew who it was. I breathed deeply, and when his distinctive smell hit my lungs, I burrowed deeper. The arm around my shoulders tightened, and I sighed.
My limbs were exhausted, and my mind felt like it had been through a battle, but there was also a bone-deep contentment. I nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck and let my lips brush against his skin.
“Mmm,” Devon hummed, and I felt the sound vibrate where my hand rested on his chest. “You’re awake.” His voice was thick with sleep, and I loved how it dropped an octave when he’d just woken up .
“I am.” I kissed his jaw, and when the memories came flooding back, I clung to him tighter. I don’t know how it was possible, but somehow, he quieted my chaotic thoughts and calmed my exhausted heart.
Everything didn’t feel so life-shattering and impossible when he was around.
The terror that had come with the realization that the man who’d held me hostage for months was still out there was there, but not as potent. And I could blame it on the sleep I’d finally succumbed to after my body finally gave out, but I knew it had more to do with the man lying next to me. Who was rubbing soothing, idle patterns over my back and cradling my head with his other hand.
“Did Tato let you in?” I finally asked. After I’d hung up with my mom, I remembered wanting to succumb to the nothingness but knowing it was a horrible idea. Instead, I obsessively tried to keep myself busy with anything and everything I could manage to do around my apartment, trying to stave off the sinking, daunting feeling that it would never be over.
That for the rest of my life, I would constantly be looking over my shoulder. The only closure I’d been afforded when Nick Hammond was arrested had been a fallacy.
“You don’t remember anything, do you?”
I shook my head the best I could without raising it from his chest.
“I…umm…broke in,” Devon responded tentatively. I pushed up onto my elbow and looked down at the disheveled man.
My jaw dropped, and my brows furrowed. “What?”
He sighed and pushed up on his hands until he was sitting against the pillows propped against my headboard. “I broke your door.” He pointed to the sliding glass door behind me, but the curtains were covering it, so if there was any damage, I couldn’t see it. “When you didn’t answer your phone or the front door, trying to look through this door was my last option. Tato came up and parted the curtains enough that I could see you lying on your closet floor.”
“So, you broke in…” I muttered, filling in the blanks. I had a vague recollection of the closet floor.
“Yeah, which I know sounds desperate and irrational, but when I saw you laying there, I couldn’t just?—”
“No, no,” I said quickly, scooting forward until my knees were pressed against the outside of his thigh and I could take one of his large hands in both of mine. “It doesn’t sound desperate or irrational. It sounds like…you care.”
A humorless chuckle broke free from his lips, and he scrubbed a hand over his mouth. “Blake, I’d say I care a whole fucking lot. You…you scared the shit out of me.”
I cringed and looked back down at our joined hands. That was the last thing I’d meant to do.
“Guess I’m pretty good at scaring you, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, I’d say so.”
“I’m so so—” The word wasn’t completely out of my mouth before Devon was insistently shaking his head and tightening his hold on my hands.
“Don’t apologize. You get to have hard days. You get to process and work through everything however you need to. I hate not being able to do a damn thing to help, but that doesn’t mean you should apologize. Because, Blake—” He stopped, and he tilted my chin up so our eyes locked. “I’m going to be here no matter what. The good days, the bad, I want them all.”
My heart manically fluttered in my chest and suddenly felt five times too big for the space. Tears welled in my eyes, and I leaned forward. My hands cupped both of Devon’s cheeks, he didn’t move as I pressed my lips to his, but I swore I could feel his relief.
All I wanted to do was deepen the kiss and fall further into him, but then I caught a whiff of myself and sat back. I still smelled like lake water and sunscreen, which wasn’t a great smell days later .
“I’m sure you want to hear all the details, and honestly, I want to tell you. But I need to shower first.”
Devon gave me a small, worry-filled smile as I slid off the bed and fought my tired muscles as I headed straight for the bathroom. My bladder was screaming at me, too, which made me stop and turn back to Devon, who’d slipped to the edge of the bed.
“Is Tato?”
He waved toward the living room. “He’s been out and fed. He’s okay. Josh came over and helped out a little.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and continued into the bathroom.
“Blake,” Devon said, stopping me with the door halfway closed. I pulled it back open slightly and peered at where he stared at the floor in front of him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
God, I’d really fucking scared him, and that broke my heart. But I didn’t hesitate to tell him I was. “You’re here, so yeah, I’m okay. Or at least, I will be.”
I would have spent more time in the shower, but I was too eager to get back out to Devon.
Realizing that, in my haste, I’d forgotten a change of clothes, I wrapped the towel around me, and opened the bathroom door. I don’t know why I was hesitant to walk back out since he’d already seen me naked, but I glanced around the room before I fully stepped out of the bathroom.
Devon was nowhere to be found, so I flipped on the light and hurried into my closet. I stopped in front of my dresser only for memories to bombard me. Glancing down at the floor, I had no idea how long I’d lain there before Devon found me—or how long I might have lain there if he hadn’t—but it felt like it’d been long enough for me to see the shape of my body imprinted in the carpet.
But nothing was there. The only proof of my breakdown—if that’s what you could call it—was my broken patio door and the soreness I felt each time my body shifted.
I blew out a shaky breath and yanked open the top drawer where all of my old T-shirts were stored. The dresser was a flea market find, so the drawers stuck, and it had taken a while to get the weird smell out of it.
I retrieved a sports bra and a pair of biker shorts, too. I dropped the towel and stepped into the shorts. My wet hair dripped down my back as I quickly tugged on the bra and then the T-shirt. Devon returned after I picked up the towel and was squeezing the excess water from my hair.
“Your dog acts like it’s torture to go outside,” Devon quipped, trying and failing, to inconspicuously look me up and down. Whether to check if I really was physically okay or to check me out, I wasn’t sure. I hoped it was the latter, although I knew I was nothing to look at.
I smiled as Tato trotted in behind him. He spotted me one second, and in the next, he was wagging his butt and nosing my hand for attention. I bent down to his level and buried my face in his neck. Then I wrapped him in my arms and hugged the crap out of him.
As he always did, Tato went stiff, but he didn’t try to pull away. When I finally let him go, he stared at me for a second, almost like he was also appraising my current state. Then he moseyed back into the living room.
“He does, but I wouldn’t have him any other way.” I finally responded to Devon’s comment and looked up to find him giving me the same apprehensive look as Tato. Like they were both waiting for me to fall apart again.
I couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t happen ever again, but I knew for sure it wouldn’t happen then.
Devon brushed a hand over his dark red hair, and I felt him watch me walk back into the bathroom. I tossed the wet towel on the counter and gathered what little confidence I had. I took a deep breath and walked back into my room .
My steps slowed as I approached Devon again. “You’ve gotta tell me what’s going on, B,” he said. Pain-filled hazel eyes met mine, and I hated that I was the reason it was there at all. “You were lying on the floor when I got here, and you kept telling me you were fine.”
My memories from the time after the phone call and before I woke up in Devon’s arms were sporadic and fuzzy.
The last thing I wanted to do was to drag him into my mess. The mess of my life, the mess inside my head—I didn’t want it to be his problem, too. I didn’t want to taint his life.
I cleared my throat and took his hand, tugging him back to my bed. I crawled across the blankets and settled back in the spot I’d woken up in. Devon sat next to me with his long legs stretched out in front of him.
I caught sight of the clock on my bedside table and saw that it was past three in the afternoon. If Devon had been at my place since six in the morning, it was no wonder there were dark circles under his eyes. It was on the tip of my tongue to apologize again, but I swallowed it, knowing he wouldn’t want to hear it.
“It’s hard for me,” I began to explain, “to let anyone else in. When I’m struggling, it feels better to isolate myself rather than let anyone else share in the darkness in my head.”
He shook his head and took one of my hands. “Better for you or everyone else? Because there’s no way it’s better for you to keep everything to yourself. So, no more hiding—at least not from me.”
There was no argument in his eyes, and I really wanted to believe him. But I didn’t want to be his burden.
“Blake, I’m serious,” he said. “I can see you trying to talk yourself out of it, but that’s not going to fly. You might be hard-headed, but I’m just as stubborn, if not more.”
Rather than overthink it, I told him everything. I told him about Nick Hammond’s death. And that the police had reason to believe he wasn’t the main perpetrator .
“We’re going to find him,” he promised. “We will find him.”
I didn’t realize I was crying until Devon brushed away a stray tear. I looked up from where I was staring at the sheet beneath me, and he urged me closer. When I was on my knees in front of him, he gripped my hips and guided me until I was straddling his lap. Face-to-face, there was no hiding the sympathy etched in his features. It was in the deep line between his brows and the hard set of his mouth.
I pressed my thumb against that line between his eyebrows and traced the perimeter of his face with my fingertips. His eyes slowly closed, and I let my touch softly memorize the smooth skin of his forehead and the curve of his cheekbones. I caressed the sharp jawline hidden behind his short beard and counted every single freckle on his face before I traced his lips.
Full lips that were pillowy soft against my own.
“I wasn’t lying before when I said I am here for the good and the bad days, Blake. But I never want to see you like that again. That distant look in your eyes…” His words trailed off, and he shuddered at the memory. He lifted a hand and brushed a thumb over my cheek. “I’m glad to see it’s gone.”
I tilted my head and pressed a kiss to the center of his palm. “I know,” I agreed. “Thank you for coming to my rescue.”
“Anytime, sweetheart. But next time,” he breathed, and I tried not to stiffen. I hoped there wouldn’t be a next time, and like he was reading my mind, he added, “I hope it never happens again, but if it does, what can I do? I felt fucking helpless.”
“You did exactly what I needed. You were patient and sweet…” I swallowed and let my hands trail down his dark blue shirt. “But I can’t promise that I won’t want to isolate myself again, which I know isn’t good for me. I just don’t want my mood to rub off on anyone else. Especially when it’s all feeling heavy, and I can’t imagine carrying it much longer.”
By the time Devon cupped my cheeks, I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. My words had gotten away from me, and my heart was bleeding out everywhere. Because that was how it felt some days—unimaginably heavy.
“You don’t have to carry it alone, Blake. Even on the hardest days, all you have to do is carry one percent. I have the other ninety-nine, if you can just give me one.”
My eyes bounced between his, and I didn’t know why I was looking for a lack of sincerity because I knew I wouldn’t find it. Never had Devon been so serious, and the weight of his words was a relief.
He wanted this just as badly as I did. The good and the really, really bad—he didn’t care what it came with. My hands fisted in his shirt, and I choked back a sob that was threatening to break free.
“I–I lo—” Realizing what I was about to say, I bent forward and kissed him soundly. The emotions that surged to the surface were fierce and impossible to ignore. But it wasn’t the right time to voice them. I didn’t want them to be tainted.
So, I let my body speak for me, hoping that Devon could feel and taste the words that had been on the tip of my tongue.
His hands shifted until they were tangled in my slowly drying hair, and he tilted my head. I parted my lips when I felt his tongue sweep across them and moaned into the kiss. Giving myself over completely, I let my body fall on top of his, and even through the thick denim of his jeans, I could feel his erection.
An urgent sense of need made me grind down, and the groan that my movements pulled from him filled the silent room. My hands brushed through his beard and then wrapped around his neck, urging him closer. He came willingly as I continued to rub myself over his jeans-clad length.
God, it was such a tease. I knew what waited for me beneath that fabric, and I was done waiting. My hands dropped to his waist, and I began to fumble with his belt when we both stopped at the sound of the doorbell.
I reared back just enough to see his face. He showed the same confusion I felt, and I decided to ignore it. I was so much more interested in what was beneath me than…
The doorbell rang again, followed by urgent knocking and raised voices.
“Who—?” I began to ask when we both came to the realization at the same time. I closed my eyes and rolled off Devon’s lap. “You have very nosy friends,” I said as Devon fisted his hands in his lap and hopped off the other side of the bed. I got a kick out of watching him readjust the very proud problem he was sporting before he looked back up at me.
“They’re your friends, too,” he said, and that simple statement made me smile like a freaking idiot. They were my friends, too.
As they rang the bell again, I walked past him and down the hallway. My neighbors were going to complain if I didn’t let them in quickly.
“Wait,” Devon called as we entered the living room. “Do you want me to get rid of them? If you’re not feeling up for it, I can?—”
I shook my head and pressed a kiss to his lips, effectively cutting him off. “I’ll be okay. If I’m not, I’ll let you know.”
“Okay,” he agreed and waved toward the door.
“We could come up with a code word. So, if one of us brings it up, the other knows it’s time to cut out. Or, in this case, kick everyone out.”
Devon raised his eyebrows. “Do you have one in mind?”
“Warrior,” I said without thinking, and one of those wide, un-Devon-like smiles split his face.
“Hmm, okay,” he hummed as he bent to kiss me. “My little warrior.”