SALT #3
And I’m about to dishonor Senu’s memory even more by reaching out to the man who stopped me from avenging my brother?
No!
I close the laptop and go lie down on the bed.
Senu’s face rises in my mind.
My sweet, gentle, kind brother, who was so caring and selfless. I cannot stop myself. I lie there as tears run down my cheeks. The only person who mattered to me in the entire world, for whom I did not even fulfill the last duty.
I chose myself and my own chance at a happy life.
But then I blew that, too. Damn.
Let us be honest. And I need that inner honesty, it’s eye-opening. I had a few hours’ head start over Eliano and Harvey Bram. If I had turned back, Eliano would never have found me in the urban sprawl. No fucking way.
I was one step away from revenge, and yet I ruined it myself. I dig my fingers into my forearm, scratching the words ‘Justice for Senu’ almost to the point of drawing blood.
Justice will not be delivered.
Me. It’s all on me.
◆◆◆
The next day is heavy, but what's new.
Guilt and torment return, tied both to the impossibility of my revenge and to the thought of never seeing Eliano again.
From time to time, I put myself through miserable photo-watching sessions.
First, I stare at my picture with Eliano, feeling a traitorous flush creep into my cheeks and a rush of slick flooding my channel.
Then, angered by my too-willing body, I fling the album across the room, yes, right where a whole line of other things already lie: pillows, Eliano’s T-shirts, his brush, his shower gel, his hoodie… thrown there during fits of fury.
And then, I open the app.
A truly self-punishing mix: Eliano’s face, then Senu’s.
Back and forth.
What torture!
On my profile page I look at the photos of Senu. The last one shows him at a party organized by the bar and grill where he worked.
Senu had already been promoted to assistant manager.
He was great with customers, kind, helpful, professional.
His boss appreciated that. I see him standing there in his work uniform, with a brown teddy bear patch sewn onto his apron, wearing a cap with a visor.
His light hair is tied back in a ponytail, and his hazel eyes are full of joy as he smiles at the camera.
I’ll never see his smile again…
And just like that, tears roll down my cheeks.
Fuck. Why? Why? My poor brother! Those sickos didn't pay enough for his death, and the last of them, Daniel Tanner, the ultimate scumbag… walked free.
Behind Senu, I can see someone turned sideways in the background, but I recognize him anyway. It’s Tif, a junkie who used to hang around the grill bar. The police never found him either. And I warned Senu to stay away from him so many times, yet he never listened.
We even argued about it, and I vividly remember saying to him, "This idiot will be your death," to which he replied, "If you keep worrying like that, you’ll end up with wrinkles."
The thought that maybe the police should have dug deeper into Tif comes back, but it’s quickly clouded by resignation and the overwhelming sense of how pointless everything feels. Senu’s dead anyway. Tif probably is too.
I’m alive… But barely.
Trapped in my own guilt, slightly nauseous all the time for no clear reason, and so tired.
A few hours later, I am still lying in bed, numb from self-torture, staring at the ceiling. Slowly, my tired mind redirects itself toward Eliano again, leaving my brother behind.
Scenes from my last conversation with Eliano drift through my mind.
The moment I told him to get out! He raised his hand to his chest as if he had been hit by something. Pain on his face, barely veiled.
Was it… could it be…?
Mate Rejection?
No, impossible. That would be silly.
Instead, I slowly lift my fingers and gently touch the crescent-shaped scar on my gland, the one his teeth left behind, then I check my wrist. It’s marked too. I stare at the spot for a while.
People keep saying a beta cannot be marked, that it does not work, so the scar probably means nothing. Still, to me it is somehow… precious.
I lost him. He won’t be back. I know it. He won’t beg.
Fuck, kicking him out… it was not what my heart truly wanted! And all he wanted was for me to be safe, and… he kept promising he would figure something out!
He said it, again and again.
But I did not truly hear him through the rush of emotion, through that red curtain pulled down over my mind.
Eliano repeated, "Give me time. I promise, I will find a way."
Why didn’t I listen?
I snap my head up, a torrent of emotions flooding my body.
I have to tell him at least one thing.
He has to know this one thing!
All of a sudden, it feels insanely important.
Like a madman, I rush to my laptop, click the link to his fan page, and open the app. I type into the text field:
"For the record, I don’t hate you. Not even close."
Before I can change my mind, I hit send. Pure impulse. No thinking at all.
I stare at the screen, my heart pounding wildly.
To my surprise, about thirty seconds later I see the indicator showing the message has been read.
Wow.
For a moment, nothing moves on the screen.
Then suddenly a small thumbs-up icon appears under my message.
What?
I mutter a curse under my breath.
He just reacted with a thumbs-up? That is it? That is his entire response?
Asshole!
Frustration surges through me, along with a desperate need to pull something more out of him. My heart continues to race as I lean closer to the screen.
"You said, ‘If you think you could ever stop being mine, think again.’"
I send it, then pause, wondering what to add, because this part matters.
"So? Is there a point to that?"
It gets read, but there is no reply. Well. What would he even say?
Minutes pass. No typing dots appear. Eliano does not react.
And then I type something that surprises even me, because I have always been so… unforgiving. Could I really say this?
My fingers tremble as I tap it out.
"What if I’m still yours?"
And the bastard replies:
"Of course you are."
Oh, a fucking arrogant alpha! Does he think I am a joke?
"Cocky much?"
"Just stating the facts."
I jump up as if I’ve been pinched. I start pacing the room back and forth, almost obsessively, frantically. I feel furious and wildly excited at the same time. For reasons I can’t comprehend, my hole clenches.
The vision of Eliano's thick, veiny cock driving into me and making me submit is just too sweet.
My mouth stretches into an uncontrollable grin as the decision inside me suddenly becomes so easy, so obvious.
Wow, so I am still his! He wants me… he basically said it.
I rush back to the laptop and type:
"So when should I expect you on the island?"
Yep, and I send it. My fingers are shaking, I’m so desperate to see his answer.
Eliano does not reply for several long minutes, and I chew on my fingers with nerves.
Then he writes:
"The ferry arrives in two days."
Fuck. What do I reply? I decide to give him a taste of his own medicine. I react to his message with nothing but a thumbs-up.
Ha! Let him know that I approve, but without jumping up and down.
At the same time, I actually do jump up and down like a madman, squeaking like a complete idiot.
Eventually I collapse onto the couch.
That is it. I just stare at the screen, hardly believing what just happened.
Did that strange conversation really bring Eliano back here?
One thing is certain. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I feel insanely happy.
In-sa-ne-ly!