Chapter 11
Jon was quiet on the drive home. Levi suspected Gus had said something that weighed heavily on the young man’s mind.
“Levi, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” Levi tried to mask the trembling in his voice. He always talked a big game about being an open book, but he knew it was because he avoided situations like this.
“I know you said that Gus is like a dad to you, and something he said while you were getting more beer from inside makes me think he definitely sees you as a son.”
“Was there a question in that?” Levi chuckled nervously and gripped the steering wheel. He took a deep breath, trying to anticipate what would come next.
“You told me about your mom’s reaction to your coming out, but you never mentioned your dad. How did he react? I’ll drop it if you want me to, but I wondered why you never mentioned him.”
“Well, he died in a car accident when I was ten, so he missed those fireworks, but I like to think he would’ve been cool with it because he was always very easygoing. Whether that’s the truth or just wishful thinking, who knows? But that’s the way I always imagine it. Part of me is glad that I didn’t have to risk his rejection, but part of me wishes he could’ve gotten to know the real me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“No worries, you couldn’t have known. I loved my dad. Besides, he’s never far from my mind. Every time I pick up his guitar, I hear his voice again.”
“So the guitar you were playing the other night was his?”
“Lord, no, not that one. I wouldn’t have loaned it out so willingly to the random drunks. That was just a cheap one I picked up a few years back to practice on. Myra only comes out for special occasions and performances, and I wasn’t expecting to be the entire show.” Levi smiled, “He named her Thamyris because he had heard a Greek myth once about a singer challenging the muses to a competition. He didn’t realize that Thamyris was a man until later, so he started calling her Myra.”
Jon smiled and turned to look out the window, silent. Levi was worried he’d said something wrong. He reached over and took hold of his hand.
“So what did Gus say to you? I know y’all weren’t talking about your job hunt.” Jon looked at him cautiously. “Don’t worry, you didn’t give it away; he did when he asked you to repeat something. He never has to ask somebody to repeat anything for details. Though you have been rather deep in thought since we left.”
Jon grinned, shaking his head. “He just told me I’d better not hurt you. He seems to think you are really into me.”
Levi squeezed his hand. “Well, he’s not wrong. I just didn’t know how to say it. Especially given the events of the weekend, I was trying to play it cool to not make you feel uncomfortable.”
“Levi, that’s sweet, but eventually you’ll have to stop trying to protect me from getting hurt. Sometimes we have to take chances and sometimes we feel pain, but that’s how we grow.”
“Maybe I’m not just protecting you. Maybe I’m protecting myself.” He hated the words as soon as they escaped his lips. He hated showing vulnerability and felt like he was accusing Jon of something he hadn’t done.
Jon smiled at him and turned away again. He didn’t let go of Levi’s hand, but he seemed to be far away. Levi wasn’t sure if he was offended or just deep in thought.
As they pulled into the driveway, Levi broke the silence first. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it came out. Shit, you’ve been through so much in the last few days, and now I’m making things worse.”
Jon looked at him with a grin. “I know you didn’t mean anything by that. You’ve been hurt, too. It may not be as fresh, but some pain never goes away completely.”
Levi nodded silently.
“Fuck it. I’m sick of this dance. Levi, I’m head over heels for you. The reason I chose to stay in the office was that I was worried about imbalance in our relationship and moving too quickly. I didn’t want you to be able to hold anything over me beyond just taking me in or scaring you off. After tonight, I’m fairly certain that you aren’t that type of person, and I can’t keep this up anymore. I’m afraid if I don’t say this now, I won’t ever say it. I want you. Tonight, and tomorrow night, and the night after. I can’t say ‘I love you’ yet, but I know that the more time I spend with you, the more my heart feels at home.”
Levi didn’t respond. He got out of the car and walked over to the passenger side and opened the door. The young man seemed different from that first morning. Things felt different, too. It couldn’t be the alcohol; he had drunk a lot more Friday night. He sat on the rocker panel and took both of Jon’s hands in his.
“I want that too, babe. God knows I’m not ready to say those words yet either, but this just feels right. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect. I’m scared. But I’m gonna try because I want you. Saturday morning, I thought I was having the best dream of my life - Adonis had found his way into my bed. Then you woke up, whispered ‘good morning Levi’, and I realized I wasn’t dreaming. It’s time I stop running from imagined rejections and let people get close again. What do ya say we just go with the flow and let’s just see where this goes?”
Jon smiled. He placed a hand on Levi’s face and leaned in to kiss him.
“Let’s get inside. I’ve not gotten to congratulate you on the bar yet.”