Chapter 8
Theo
I bolt upright from a dead sleep, throat dry. Stumbling to my feet, I fumble my way through the dark to the bathroom.
I have no idea what time it is. The middle of the night, obviously, but outside of that, I have nothing.
Flipping the switch on the wall, I blink against the blinding light.
I catch sight of my face in the mirror and quickly look away.
I hate seeing my eyes when I get like this.
The emptiness. The dullness. The darkness.
No light inside of me. No light inside of my eyes.
Turning on the sink, I cup my hands under the running water, bringing it to my mouth, and drinking it down greedily.
It’s not like the other day, which is good, I think. I’m not so dehydrated that I can’t function. That I need to drink until I can’t physically hold anything in my stomach anymore.
After shutting off the water, I step back into the bedroom, looking for my phone. Grabbing it from the table next to the bed, I check the time. It’s just after 3:00 a.m., so Hunter is probably outside feeding Lila.
Slipping on my shoes and pulling Hunter’s jacket back on, I leave the room to head outside.
I hope he’s out here. Checking his room first would have probably been a good idea, but I’m already at the front door, and the idea of walking up the stairs and then back down if he’s not… No.
The walk to the barn almost feels familiar, which is stupid because it’s not like I’ve done it all that much. Already I know that if I swing too far to the right, I’m going to step in a hole. I know that up ahead, there’s a small patch of rock. When I first saw it, I wondered why it was there.
I should ask. If I can force myself to talk, that is.
The barn door is already open, and I stand there for a second, my eyes falling on Hunter. He looks half asleep, Lila cradled to his chest and the bottle still mostly full.
“Hunter,” I rasp out, not wanting to scare him again.
He turns quickly, his lips quirking up a bit at the corners when he spots me. “Theo.”
Something about him saying my name makes the pulsing ache in my chest lessen. I’ve never been around another human who makes me feel so… No, not going there. That’s a dangerous thought.
But then… I’m leaving. I’m leaving, and what’s the harm in leaning into that? He’s not going to turn into Damien in the next three days. At least I don’t think so.
His thumb idly traces Lila’s ear, and I zero in on that motion. I never saw Damien interact with animals this way. He was cold. Even to them. Worse than with me. My stomach aches at the memories, but I try to shake them away.
“Do you want to come sit down?”
“What?” I hear myself ask.
Hunter pats the hay next to him. “Sit?”
My feet carry me across the barn, and I find myself sitting next to him, close enough that I can feel the heat of his body, and his elbow brushes mine when he carefully shifts Lila.
“I’m sorry.”
He cocks his head. “For what?”
I wave a hand through the air, hoping it can somehow convey everything I’m apologizing for.
After studying me for a second, he nods toward Lila. “Do you want to feed her? I tried to wake you earlier.”
I shake my head. I mean, I do, but he’s already got her, and judging by the greedy little sounds she’s making as she sucks down her bottle, she’s perfectly content where she is.
He nods. “Alright.”
We sit in silence while Lila drinks. There’s something so calming about being out here. I don’t know what it is. Is it Hunter? The quiet of the farm itself? The animals? I have no idea. It feels vital. Like breathing. Like eating. The only problem is that I’m not sure I’m any good at those things.
“She was hungry tonight. Screaming bloody murder at me as soon as I walked out here.”
“Poor baby.”
Hunter hums. “It’s probably time to start introducing feed soon.”
I frown. “No more bottle-feeding?”
“She’ll still get milk, just extras too. She’s a growing girl.”
Fuck. His voice is so soft and warm and tender.
There’s something wrong with me. I snort a humorless laugh.
Obviously, there’s something wrong with me.
A great many things. But even all the normal fucked-up things about me don’t explain why I want to curl up in Hunter’s lap the way Lila is and let him take care of me the same way.
Am I really that starved for human connection that I’m clinging to the first person to show me kindness? I think I am. Fuck, that’s pathetic.
I blow out a breath. “She’s sweet. I really like her.”
Hunter’s quiet for so long that I worry I’ve done something wrong. “She is. Are you feeling better?”
Am I? I shake my head, then nod. “Sort of.”
“Energy level?”
I turn to Hunter. “What do you mean?”
His eyes roam slowly over my face, lingering on mine for a beat before he looks away. “You said before that you wake up with less energy than most people. Described it in percentages.” He shrugs. “Was just curious if you had a percentage now.”
My throat tightens to the point of pain. “I… uh—” I stop, clearing my throat. “Maybe thirty.”
“And this morning?”
I see what he’s doing. “Five, tops.”
He nods slowly. “What do you wanna do with your thirty percent?”
Spend it with you. “I’m not sure.”
Lila finishes her bottle before Hunter can answer, and he pulls it from her mouth with a little pop. “You ready to head back in?” he asks softly.
“Can we stay here a little longer?” I shake my head. “Never mind—”
“Of course we can. You said we. You want me to stay too?”
I nod, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
Hunter carefully lays Lila down in the hay in front of him. “Okay.”
“No, Lila. Leave him be now, ya hear me?”
I crinkle my nose, confused.
“Lila,” someone hisses. Hunter. “Leave him alone. I’ll get you fed in a minute. Stop being a menace.”
My eyes fly open in confusion, and when I realize where I am, I groan. Sitting up quickly, I already have my apology poised on the tip of my tongue. Given the way Hunter is staring at me, he knows it too. “Don’t you dare apologize to me.”
I open and close my mouth. “Okay.”
The words are still dying to come out. Not because I think I did anything wrong. Not in the way I used to apologize, but because I’m pretty sure I was asleep in Hunter’s lap, and I’m pretty sure he was asleep too. In the barn.
The sun is shining, and the air, while still crisp, is warmer than it was when I came out here last night. Birds are chirping, and Hunter is still staring at me, and—“Ouch!”
“Lila,” Hunter groans, picking her up and holding her directly in front of him until she’s all but forced to make eye contact with him. “We don’t headbutt people.”
A small laugh bursts from my chest. I can’t even help it. Watching him hold a baby goat in front of his face and try to correct her like she actually understands English or even cares about anything but food and baby goat stuff is hilarious.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, shooting me a wry grin.
“You,” I say, laughing a little harder.
He shakes his head with a chuckle, then puts Lila down. “Glad I can make you laugh, I suppose.” I bite my lip hard to keep myself from doing it again. He chuckles. “You can laugh, Theo. I’m not bothered by it.”
“Did you sleep?” I ask instead of laughing again.
He nods. “Some. Been years since I’ve slept in the hay.”
“Was sleeping in the hay normal for you?”
Lying back in said hay, Hunter stretches out, folding his arms under his head. “Used to be. Slept out here all the time as a kid.”
“Really?”
“Sure. We used to have pigs in here.”
My jaw drops. “Do you still have pigs?”
Hunter smiles. “No, not anymore. I was obsessed with the pigs, though. Used to be my favorite of all the animals we had. I don’t know why. I used to come out here and sleep in the barn with them.”
“That’s cute.”
Laughing, Hunter hums. “Wasn’t too cute for my mom and dad when they woke up in the morning and I was missing.
They swore they were about to call a search party.
Mom said I stumbled out of the barn, hay stuck in my hair, and dragging my blanket behind me.
From then on, they’d always check the barns before freaking out if I wasn’t in bed. ”
My heart warms. “That’s adorable.”
His cheeks turn pink, and that’s even more adorable.
“Can I ask you something?” I say softly.
“Course.”
“What was Luca talking about yesterday? With your dad…”
Hunter sits up, crossing his legs, then picks up a piece of hay. I watch as he ties it into a small knot, then tosses it to the side and picks up another. “He passed a few months ago. Three, actually. In January.”
Oh… “Fuck. I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”
I can’t see his face, but he sniffles, then wipes at his nose with the back of his hand before shrugging. “Thank you.”
Silence falls over us yet again. It never feels empty with him, though. Not in the way I’m used to. Not in the way silence feels when I’m alone.
After wiping at his face again, he raises his head, his eyes locking on mine. “What’s your percentage?”
I can’t help but smile. “I don’t know. Maybe close to fifty.” Which is about as good as I can hope for.
He smiles. “You feeling up for another ride?”
“On the horses?” I ask just to clarify. “Are we going to see the cows today?”
Shaking his head, he lifts a shoulder in a half-shrug. “I was thinking maybe just a ride.”
“Yeah, that would be fun.”
“Okay. Perfect.” He pushes himself to his feet, shaking out his hands as Lila uses the opportunity to headbutt his calf. “Let me just get this menace fed.”
When Lila is fed and has fresh water, I follow Hunter to the horse barn. When we walk in, his shoulders lower. It seems just being here is enough for him to relax. I can’t say I blame him.
There really is something relaxing about being in here, about being around the horses.
Stepping in front of Molls, I hold a hand out, smiling when she presses her head against my palm. “Such a good girl.”
Her ears twitch, and she makes this strange little huffy noise.
“She likes you.”
I stare up at Molls for a second while she makes that sound again, then I turn to Hunter. “You say that about all the animals.”
“Can’t help it that it keeps being true,” he says, shrugging. I step back when he comes up to Molls. He gets her saddle and bridle on with impressive speed, then he turns to me. “Okay, helmet, mounting block. Same as before.”
I nod. “I remember.”
He smiles like that somehow pleases him, and my stomach swoops with excited nerves. I can’t believe I’m about to ride a horse again.
This time, when I get the helmet on and step onto the mounting block, then swing my leg over Molls, I don’t nearly fall.
Hunter shoots me an impressed grin. “Good job. Sit tight.”
He gets onto Lucky with practiced ease. He looks at home there, like it’s right where he belongs and like it’s somehow exactly what he needs. In some ways, it probably is. This is relaxing and… fun. It’s no wonder he enjoys it so much.
“You ready?” he asks, glancing at me.
I nod. “Ready.”
He clicks his tongue, and Lucky takes off with Molls following right behind.
It makes me startle for a second, but then Hunter’s words from last time echo in my head.
Relaxing my shoulders, I let my hips move with her.
My hands are loose on the saddle horn, and as we make our way slowly across the yard, I stare down at Molls’s shoulders.
Watch as they move, and let my body flow with her easy movements.
Fuck, this is so cool. “I can’t believe I’m riding a horse again.”
Hunter laughs. “You’re a natural. I knew you would be.”
“Can we go a little faster?”
“Feeling brave this morning?”
I nod. “Something like that.”
Or maybe I’m just deciding that some things are joy. And being here, riding with Hunter? Pure joy. I’m not focusing on my energy levels. Or how much this is going to cost me later.
I’m just focusing on this. On the way that Molls’s solid body shifts under mine with each step, on the fresh, clean scent in the air. On the way the early morning sun is reflecting off Hunter’s hair and casting a golden glow on his skin.
Maybe later I’ll be more worried about my energy, but right now? I’m just going to use it for what I want. For enjoying this very moment.