Chapter 17
Hunter
I check my phone for the third time in an hour. I could send another text, but I don’t want to push Theo, so I don’t. He missed our phone call last night, and I tried not to let it worry me too much, but now? I’m really starting to worry.
As I walk into the kitchen, Mom greets me with a steaming cup of coffee and a smile.
“Good morning, Hunter.”
“Hey, Mom.” Sliding my phone into my pocket, I take the mug from her.
“I made breakfast. Sit.”
“I’m not really hungry.” The truth is, I’ve been too worried to eat much.
Mom glares at me, pointing at the chair. “Sit, Hunter.”
My ass is in the seat before I even think about it. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Good.” She turns from me, stepping in front of the stove.
She’s been so strong since Dad died. I’m not sure how she manages everything alone. I’m not sure I’d have the same strength if I was in her shoes.
They got married at eighteen. That’s a common story here. You grow up together, fall in love young, get married young, and have babies.
“Hey, Mom.” She glances at me over her shoulder and hums. “Why did you and Dad not have more kids?”
She sighs, looking away from me. “Do you want the long version or the short version?”
“Either. Both.” I should have asked Dad more questions. About his childhood, his life, his hopes and dreams. I didn’t think I needed to know those things, and now he’s gone, and I’ll never get to ask.
“It got too hard. That’s the short version.”
“Raising a kid?” I ask.
She shakes her head, pulling down two plates from the cabinet, and starts piling them with eggs and bacon. “Trying to have one.”
My throat goes tight. “Oh.”
Mom places my plate on the table, then sits down across from me. “Dig in.”
I don’t want to, but I pick up my fork anyway, stabbing a piece of fluffy scrambled egg before bringing it to my mouth.
“The truth is,” she says, ignoring her own food, “you were our third attempt. We lost two pregnancies before you. One at twenty-two weeks. A little girl.”
My heart clenches painfully. I had no fucking idea. “I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“And then we finally had you, our little rainbow baby, though no one called it that back then.”
She gets a faraway look in her eyes. “Then we kept trying for more, and I kept losing them. One by one. Baby by baby.”
My stomach sours, and I push my plate away. Mom’s eyes drop to it, but this time she doesn’t correct me or tell me to eat more.
“It was hard on me. Hard on your dad too.”
“I bet,” I croak out.
“Your daddy put his foot down and told me we were done. He went and got a vasectomy not long after that. We fought about it. I wanted to keep trying. He couldn’t handle seeing me like that. It was killing us. I blamed myself. He blamed himself. We almost got divorced.”
My eyes nearly bug out of my head. “What?”
She nods. “Yeah, it can be real hard to be in a situation like that.” Getting a little sparkle in her eyes, she grins at me. “Worked out in the end. I guess you’re alright.”
I bark out a laugh. “Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re so welcome. Thanks for sticking around so I could meet you.”
My jaw drops open as I sputter out a shocked laugh. “Damn.”
“Language, Hunter.” She smiles, but her eyes are a little sad. “All in all, my life is exactly what I’d wish for, and though the losses were hard, you’ve always been more than enough. You were always your daddy’s pride and joy. He’d be so proud to see you now.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I whisper, throat tightening again.
“Now,” she says, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest. “Why don’t you tell me about this man you’re falling in love with?”
My face heats. “What do you mean?”
She narrows her eyes at me. “I wasn’t born last night, young man. You think I don’t notice you out there with the animals, smiling at your phone?”
“It’s Theo.”
That doesn’t surprise her. “I figured it was. He’s a nice man.”
He is. He’s also sad. Soul-crushingly sad, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to help him—or if I even can. My fingers itch to pull my phone back out of my pocket to check and see if he’s messaged me. To call him if he hasn’t.
“He is. I’m not in love with him, though.”
I could be, but that’s not the same as actually being. I live for our texts and our calls, and especially our FaceTime sessions. Even when he’s tired. Even when the light in his eyes is so dim you almost can’t see it.
Especially then, maybe. Because instead of hiding away from me, he’s still here. Still calling. Still texting. Still showing up and fighting, even when it’s hard. Still letting me into his world.
“Maybe not yet,” Mom says, basically reading my thoughts. I shouldn’t be surprised.
“Maybe not yet,” I concede.
“Is he gonna come back for a visit soon?”
I sure hope so. I should call him and invite him to come stay with us for a bit.
“He doesn’t even have to pay this time,” Mom says, lips quirking up.
I smile back at her. “I’ll let him know.”
After another three hours of not hearing from Theo, I step into my bedroom and close the door before calling him.
It rings and rings, and just when I’m sure he isn’t going to pick up, his voice comes over the line, scratchy and dull. “Hello?”
“Hi,” I say softly. “Did I wake you?”
He hums. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, though a lead weight sinks into my stomach.
“S’okay. Time is it?”
“Just after noon.”
There’s silence for so long that I worry he might have fallen asleep again, and then, “Wow.”
“Wow?” I sit down at my desk, drumming my fingers on the table. “Why wow?”
“I think I fell asleep at this time yesterday. Hang on. Gotta pee.”
There’s shuffling and then nothing as he—I’m assuming—lays the phone down.
What does he mean he fell asleep at this time yesterday? Has he been asleep for twenty-four hours?
Before I have too much time to spiral, there’s more shuffling, and then my phone dings with an incoming FaceTime call.
I accept, and my heart nearly jumps into my throat. “Are you okay?” I ask without a chance of stopping it.
“Fine,” Theo says, looking anything but.
His normally tanned skin is pale. His eyes are sunken with black bags under them, his waterlines red and irritated like he’s been crying. His cheeks are gaunt. He didn’t look this bad the last time we FaceTimed.
“When was the last time you ate?”
“If you’re going to interrogate me, I’m going to hang up. I’m fine.”
He’s clearly not, but I don’t want to lose this connection I have with him. It’s already so small. Small moments of texting, phone calls, and FaceTime sessions. And they’re slowing lately, but I won’t lose them by pushing.
“I’m sorry. I just care about you.” I shrug. “Just wanna make sure you’re okay.”
He stares at me blankly, then sighs. “I have an appointment with my therapist next week.”
“Yeah?”
He nods. “Yeah, I’m… struggling a bit right now, I think. Decided I should probably talk to her.”
“First time since you’ve been home?”
“No.” His eyes dart away. “I had a virtual session when I first got home, and I’ve set a couple appointments since then.”
I nod. I want to ask if he’s actually gone to those appointments or if he’s just set them and cancelled. “How’s work?” I ask instead.
He still won’t look at me. “Tell me about the farm?”
“Tell me about work,” I say again.
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Why not?”
His head snaps up. If he had the energy, I think he’d be mad at me. As it stands, I don’t think he’s got it in him. “Why are you asking so many questions?”
“That’s how conversations work, Theo. I ask things about you, and you ask things about me, and we talk.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to talk about those things with you. Maybe I just want to know about the fucking farm.”
“And maybe I’m tired of this being so one-sided,” I snap. “You used to open up to me more.”
He sighs. It’s tired and quiet. “I’m sparing you, trust me.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me.”
For the first time in a week, something more than sadness flashes in his eyes. “That’s rich coming from you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Preaching to me about how I don’t get to make decisions for you, and yet you made so many for me.”
His words are like a knife in my gut. “That’s not fair.”
The fire in his eyes leaves, and sadness takes over again. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m finding that nothing about life is fair.”
“Talk to me, Theo,” I whisper. “Please.”
He opens his mouth like he’s going to, but then closes it and shakes his head. “I promise you don’t want to be in my head. I’m offering you a kindness. Take it.”
Before I have a chance to respond to him, he hangs up.
Sitting in stunned silence, I stare at my phone. Fuck. That didn’t go well.
I wonder if I should go visit him. I wonder if that would help.
Would I be able to help him eat? He wasn’t like this when he was here.
Sure, he had sleepy, sad eyes. But he also smiled.
He laughed. I can’t remember the last time I saw him laugh since then.
The last time I got to see a genuine smile light up his face.
Me
Can I come see you? Send me your address, and I’ll come stay for a couple days.
He doesn’t answer for a long time, and I’m starting to think he’s not going to when my phone lights up with a text from him.
Theo
I don’t think that’s a good idea. Goodbye, Hunter.