17. Rowan
I didn't plan it.
That's the only thing I can tell myself that even comes close to making sense.
Because one second I was standing there, watching him like I'd been doing all night...
And the next...
I had him pinned against the wall.
It wasn't careful.
It wasn't controlled.
It wasn't part of the job.
It was instinct.
Raw.
Immediate.
Stupid.
My hand slammed against the wall beside his head, the impact echoing in the room. My other hand caught his wrist before he could even react properly, holding him there, trapping him between me and something I didn't understand.
Too close.
Way too close.
"Rowan,"
He said my name like a warning.
Or maybe not.
I don't even know anymore.
Because the moment his skin touched mine...
Everything else stopped.
Our wrists.
They lit up again.
Pink.
Bright.
Stronger than before.
The glow pulsed between us, like it had a life of its own, like it didn't care about logic or denial or anything I'd been telling myself since the ball.
I felt it.
God, I felt it.
Not just the light...
Something deeper.
Like something inside me snapped into place and refused to let go.
My grip tightened without meaning to.
Not to hurt him.
Just...
To keep him there.
"What is this?" I muttered.
Not really asking him.
Because I already knew.
I just didn't want to accept it.
He didn't pull away.
That was the problem.
That was the thing that made everything worse.
He didn't fight me.
Didn't shove me off.
Didn't order me to stop.
He stayed.
His back pressed against the wall, breathing uneven for just a second, just enough for me to notice.
Just enough to mess with my head.
And then...
He looked at me.
Not like a prince.
Not like someone above me.
Just...
Looked.
My eyes dropped.
I didn't even think about it.
Just...
Moved.
To his mouth.
Then back up.
And that's when it hit me.
Hard.
Fast.
Clear.
I could kiss him.
The thought didn't ease in.
It slammed into me.
Full force.
No warning.
No filter.
I could close the distance.
Right now.
Right here.
No one would stop me.
No one would know.
My breath got heavier.
My grip shifted slightly on his wrist.
And for a second...
Just one second...
I leaned in.
Barely.
But enough.
Enough to feel the shift in the air.
Enough to feel how close we actually were.
And he didn't stop me.
That...
That was the part that broke something in me.
Because if he had...
If he'd pushed me away, told me to back off, reminded me who he was...
I would've stopped.
Easy.
Done.
Over.
But he didn't.
And suddenly it wasn't just a thought anymore.
It was a choice.
And I didn't know what to do with that.
The glow at our wrists pulsed again.
Brighter.
Warmer.
Like it was pushing.
Like it was telling me...
Do it.
My jaw clenched.
Hard.
Because I wanted to.
More than I should have.
More than made sense.
More than I could explain.
And that scared me.
So I let go.
Just like that.
Pulled back like I'd been burned.
Like touching him for too long would do something I couldn't undo.
"Forget it," I muttered.
My voice sounded rough.
Off.
Not like me.
I didn't look at him again.
Couldn't.
Because if I did...
I might not stop.
So I turned.
Walked out.
Didn't slow down.
Didn't think.
Just...
Left.
The door slammed behind me harder than I meant it to.
But I didn't go back.
Didn't even consider it.
Not until I was already halfway down the hall.
I stopped.
Breathing harder than I should have been.
Hands clenched.
Mind racing.
"What the hell was that?" I muttered.
But I knew.
I just didn't like the answer.
I ran a hand through my hair, pacing once before stopping again.
Because something was sitting in my chest.
Heavy.
Sharp.
Uncomfortable.
Regret.
I froze.
Then laughed once.
Short.
Disbelieving.
"No way."
But it didn't go away.
Didn't fade.
Didn't ease.
I should've kissed him.
The thought hit again.
Clearer this time.
Stronger.
I should've.
I leaned against the wall, exhaling sharply.
"Are you serious right now?" I muttered to myself.
Because this was insane.
Completely insane.
He's the prince.
You're his bodyguard.
You're not even...
I cut that thought off.
Because I knew where it was going.
And I wasn't ready for that.
But still...
The moment replayed.
Over and over.
The way he didn't move.
The way he looked at me.
The way the bond reacted.
The way I almost...
I groaned, dragging my hands down my face.
"Idiot."
Because I stopped.
Because I backed off.
Because I walked away.
And the worst part?
He didn't want me to.
I felt it.
I know I did.
That split second where everything could've changed...
And I chose not to take it.
"Stupid," I muttered again.
I needed air.
The hallway suddenly felt too tight.
Too closed in.
Too full of thoughts I didn't want to deal with.
So I moved.
Fast.
Until I found one of the side balconies.
The doors were already slightly open.
I pushed them wider and stepped out.
Cold air hit me immediately.
Sharp.
Clean.
Real.
I exhaled slowly, gripping the railing as I leaned forward slightly.
"Get it together," I said under my breath.
The city stretched out below.
Lights everywhere.
Movement.
Life.
Normal.
Nothing like what was happening inside me.
I closed my eyes for a second.
Let the air hit my face.
Tried to calm down.
Didn't work.
Because the thoughts kept coming.
His face.
His voice.
The way his body felt under my grip.
I swallowed hard.
"Stop," I muttered.
But it didn't stop.
Because now that I'd let myself get that close...
I couldn't pretend it wasn't there anymore.
The wanting.
Not just the bond.
Not just the pull.
Me.
That was the part I couldn't ignore.
I let out a shaky breath.
"Not happening," I said.
Firm.
Final.
Like saying it out loud would make it true.
But even as I said it...
I knew I didn't believe it.
I stayed out there longer than I should have.
Long enough for the cold to settle into my skin.
Long enough for my thoughts to slow,
Just a little.
Not enough.
But enough to move.
When I finally went back inside,
The palace felt quieter.
Like everything had settled.
Like nothing had just happened.
I walked back to his room slower this time.
More controlled.
More aware.
When I pushed the door open,
He was already asleep.
I stopped just inside.
Didn't move further.
Didn't speak.
Just...
Looked.
He was on the bed, sheets slightly disturbed, one arm resting loosely at his side.
His breathing was steady.
Even.
Calm.
Peaceful.
That word hit me harder than it should have.
Because I'd never seen him like that.
Not fully.
Not without the control.
Not without the tension sitting under everything.
His hair fell slightly over his forehead, softer now without the structure of the day holding it in place.
His face...
Relaxed.
No sharp edges.
No guarded expression.
Just...
Him.
And for a second...
I forgot everything else.
Forgot the fight.
Forgot the bond.
Forgot the fact that I'd just...
Almost...
I stepped closer.
Slow.
Careful.
Like I didn't want to disturb him.
"You should've stopped me," I muttered quietly.
He didn't respond.
Of course he didn't.
I stood there longer than I should have.
Just...
Looking.
Then I forced myself to move.
To step away.
To take my place.
But sleep didn't come easy.
It never really did.
And when it finally did...
It didn't stay calm for long.
The dream came fast.
Too fast.
I was younger.
Smaller.
The room was darker.
Colder.
"Mom?"
My voice echoed in the space.
Weak.
Worried.
She was on the bed.
Barely movin.
Breathing shallow.
Too shallow.
"I'm here," I said quickly, rushing to her side.
My hands were shaking.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I never did.
"Stay with me," I whispered.
Like that would fix it.
Like that would make it better.
Her skin was too warm.
Her breathing uneven.
"Please," I said.
Over and over.
No one came.
No one helped.
No one told me what to do.
Just me.
Trying.
Failing.
"Rowan..."
Her voice was weak.
Barely there.
"I'm here," I said again.
"I'm here."
But it didn't matter.
It never did.
I woke up with a sharp breath.
Heart racing.
Chest tight.
Dark.
Quiet.
Real.
I sat up immediately, running a hand through my hair.
Trying to ground myself.
Trying to remember where I was.
The palace.
His room.
Not...
Not there.
I exhaled slowly.
But the feeling didn't fully leave.
It never really did.
And as I sat there in the dark,
One thought stayed.
I didn't just regret the past.
I was starting to regret the choices I was making now.
And I didn't know which one was worse.