21. Rowan
The first thing I noticed was the silence.
Not the calm kind.
Not the “everything’s fine” kind.
The kind that presses in on your ears like something’s about to break.
I was standing near the window in the outer chamber, arms crossed, staring out at a view I wasn’t really seeing.
Because my head...
My head wouldn’t shut up.
Him.
The room.
The Former King.
The way Caelum didn’t fight back.
The way I didn’t step in.
And then...
Last night.
My grip tightening on his wrist.
His back hitting the wall.
That look in his eyes.
The way I almost kissed him.
I dragged a hand down my face hard enough to sting.
“Get it together,” I muttered.
Because this?
This wasn’t me.
I don’t hesitate.
I don’t overthink.
I don’t stand there while someone I,
I stopped that thought immediately.
Cut it off before it could finish.
Before it could mean something.
A knock broke through the noise in my head.
Sharp.
Out of place.
I frowned.
No one was supposed to be here.
I moved toward the door, opening it just enough,
And froze.
“Kai?”
He grinned like nothing in the world was wrong.
“Miss me?”
Behind him,
Zayn.
And...
“Luna?!”
My sister beamed, already pushing past me.
“You weren’t answering your phone!”
“What are you doing here?” I asked, stepping back automatically as they all walked in like they owned the place.
Zayn clapped me on the shoulder.
“We got invited.”
I blinked.
“…What?”
Kai flopped onto the nearest chair like he’d always belonged in royal chambers.
“Yeah, turns out your boyfriend is loaded.”
“He’s not my...”
I cut myself off, jaw tightening.
Luna spun toward me, eyes bright.
“Rowan, do you know what he did?”
My stomach dropped.
Because yeah,
I knew.
“I have an idea,” I said carefully.
“She showed up to campus this morning,” Zayn said, leaning against the wall. “Full ride. Housing. Everything paid.”
Luna nodded rapidly.
“I thought it was a mistake at first! But then they said it was… discreetly arranged?”
Her eyes narrowed slightly.
“You knew.”
I exhaled slowly.
“Yeah.”
“And you didn’t tell me?!” she demanded.
“What was I supposed to say?” I snapped slightly. “Hey, the king just dropped a fortune on your future for no reason?”
“There is a reason,” Kai cut in.
“No, there isn’t.”
“Yeah,” Zayn said dryly. “There really is.”
I shot them both a look.
“Don’t.”
“Oh, we’re absolutely doing this,” Kai said, leaning forward with a grin. “Because this? This is insane, even for you.”
“He paid for her entire education,” Zayn added. “That’s not casual.”
“He’s the king,” I said. “He throws money around. That’s what they do.”
Luna crossed her arms.
“He didn’t do it for everyone.”
Silence.
I looked away.
Because they were all staring at me now.
Like they were waiting for something.
“What?” I muttered.
Zayn let out a slow breath.
“Rowan.”
“No.”
“We didn’t even say anything yet.”
“I know where this is going.”
Kai smirked.
“Good. Saves time.”
I turned away, running a hand through my hair.
“This isn’t a thing.”
“Oh, it’s a thing,” Kai said immediately.
“It’s not.”
“You’re just in denial.”
“I’m not in denial,” I snapped.
“You are,” Luna said softly.
That...
That made me turn.
Because her voice wasn’t teasing.
Wasn’t pushing.
Wasn’t like the others.
It was… certain.
“No,” I said again, quieter this time.
She stepped closer.
“Rowan… you’ve never looked like this before.”
“Like what?”
“Like someone matters that much.”
My chest tightened..
“That’s not what this is.”
“Then what is it?” Zayn asked.
I opened my mouth.
Closed it.
Because I didn’t have an answer.
And that pissed me off more than anything.
“I’m doing my job,” I said finally.
Kai snorted.
“Yeah, okay. Since when does your ‘job’ involve almost kissing the king?”
My head snapped toward him.
“Who told you that?”
Zayn raised an eyebrow.
“You did. Five minutes ago.”
Right.
I groaned, dragging my hands down my face.
“This is messed up,” I muttered.
“No,” Kai said. “What’s messed up is that you’re in love with him and acting like it’s a crime.”
“I’m not in love with him.”
“You are.”
“I’m not.”
“You literally just stood there and let us tell you that the king paid for your sister’s future and your first reaction wasn’t suspicion, it was confusion because you know why he did it.”
“I don’t, ”
“You do,” Luna said gently.
I looked at her.
Really looked.
And something in my chest shifted.
Because she wasn’t judging me.
Wasn’t teasing.
Wasn’t pushing.
She just,
Knew.
And that scared me.
“No,” I said again.
But it didn’t sound convincing anymore.
Not even to me.
Zayn sighed.
“Alright. Don’t admit it. Fine. But at least don’t lie to yourself.”
I didn’t respond.
Because I couldn’t.
Because if I did...
If I even considered it...
Everything would change.
And I wasn’t ready for that.
I left before they could say anything else.
I didn’t even tell them where I was going.
Didn’t need to.
Because my body already knew.
His room.
My steps were faster than usual.
Heavier.
Like something was pushing me forward whether I wanted it to or not.
When I opened the door...
He was there.
Standing near the bed.
Back straight.
Perfect posture.
Perfect control.
King.
And yet...
Something about him felt off.
Tired.
Tense.
Too quiet.
He turned when he heard me.
Our eyes met.
And just like that...
Everything hit at once.
The bond.
The tension.
The memory of last night.
Before I could think...
Before I could stop myself...
I moved.
Fast.
His back hit the wall again.
This time harder.
More desperate.
My hand braced beside his head.
My other hand...
Went to his waist.
Not his wrist.
Not restraint.
His waist.
And that...
That felt different.
Closer.
More dangerous.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
But his voice...
It wasn’t steady.
Good.
Because mine wasn’t either.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
Which was the most honest thing I’d said all day.
My grip tightened slightly.
Not to hurt.
Just...
To hold.
My eyes dropped again.
To his mouth.
God.
Everything in me screamed.
Kiss him.
It wasn’t a suggestion.
It wasn’t a thought.
It was a command.
My body leaned in slightly.
Barely.
But enough.
And again...
He didn’t stop me.
That was the worst part.
Because now I had no excuse.
No barrier.
No reason not to.
Just a choice.
And I...
I froze.
Because something else pushed back.
Hard.
You’re not like this.
This isn’t you.
You don’t want this.
But I did.
That was the problem.
I did.
And I didn’t know what to do with that.
My jaw clenched.
Hard.
“Damn it,” I muttered.
And instead of closing the distance...
I pulled him into me.
A hug.
Not planned.
Not thought through.
Just...
Instinct.
His body went still for a second.
Then...
Slowly...
His hands came up.
And he hugged me back.
And that...
That broke something.
Because the second his grip tightened,
He collapsed.
Not physically.
Emotionally.
I felt it.
The tension.
The control.
The weight he carried,
It cracked.
And then,
He started shaking.
“Hey, ” I said quietly.
But he didn’t respond.
And then...
I felt it.
Warm.
Wet.
Tears.
He was crying.
The king.
Was crying in my arms.
And my chest...
It tightened so hard it actually hurt.
“I’ve got you,” I said immediately.
Without thinking.
Without hesitation.
Because in that moment...
Nothing else mattered.
Not the crown.
Not the rules.
Not the confusion in my head.
Just him.
I held him tighter.
One hand at the back of his head.
The other steady on his waist.
“It’s okay,” I murmured.
I didn’t know if it was.
Didn’t know what he was feeling.
Didn’t know what to say.
But I said it anyway.
Because he needed something.
And I was there.
He didn’t speak.
Didn’t explain.
Didn’t pull away.
He just...
Held on.
And I let him.
For as long as he needed.
When his breathing finally slowed...
Just a little.
I guided him to the bed.
Slowly.
Carefully.
He didn’t resist.
Didn’t question.
He just...
Let me.
We sat first.
Then...
Without thinking,
We laid down.
Side by side.
Close.
Too close.
And still...
Not close enough.
I hesitated for a second.
Then...
Pulled him closer.
He didn’t stop me.
His head rested against my chest.
My arm wrapped around him.
And for the first time,
Since all of this started,
Everything went quiet.
No thoughts.
No arguments.
No denial.
Just...
This.
His breathing.
My heartbeat.
The steady rise and fall between us.
We didn’t talk.
Didn’t question.
Didn’t try to figure it out.
Because maybe,
Just for once,
We didn’t need to.
And as I held him there...
Feeling the weight of him settle against me...
One thought stayed.
I still didn’t understand this.
Didn’t understand him.
Didn’t understand what this meant.
But for the first time...
I didn’t fight it.
I just,
Stayed.I stayed still for a long time after that.
Long enough that my arms started to ache from holding him.
Long enough that I forgot I was supposed to be standing guard.
Long enough that the world outside that room stopped existing entirely.
Caelum was still in my arms.
The King.
The man who could command armies.
Who could silence rooms without raising his voice.
Who had people bowing before he even entered a space.
And he was breathing against my chest like none of that mattered right now.
Like none of it could reach him here.
I didn’t know what to do with that.
With him like this.
My hand stayed at the back of his head, fingers threaded slightly into his hair without thinking.
The other remained at his waist, steady, grounding.
Not restraining.
Just,
there.
His breathing was uneven at first.
Shaky.
Like he was trying to hold something in and failing.
Then it slowed.
Little by little.
Until it was almost normal again.
Almost.
“Hey,” I said quietly.
No response.
I wasn’t even sure he heard me.
“You’re okay,” I added after a moment.
The words felt stupid the second they left my mouth.
Like they didn’t belong here.
Like they weren’t enough for whatever this was.
But he didn’t correct me.
Didn’t move.
Just stayed pressed against me like I was the only thing holding him in place.
That should’ve scared me.
It didn’t.
It should’ve reminded me of boundaries.
Of rules.
Of everything I was supposed to be.
It didn’t do that either.
Instead, all I could think was...
he shouldn’t be like this.
Not him.
Not the King.
Not Caelum.
I tightened my arm slightly around him before I could stop myself.
Not enough to trap him.
Just enough to make sure he didn’t slip away.
The thought hit me again.
Harder this time.
I almost kissed him earlier.
I should’ve.
No.
I shouldn’t have.
But I wanted to.
And that was the problem.
That was always the problem.
My jaw tightened slightly.
I stared at the far wall, trying to force my brain into something rational.
Something normal.
Something that didn’t involve him.
It didn’t work.
Because he shifted slightly against me.
Just a small movement.
But it changed everything.
His hand curled into the fabric of my shirt.
Lightly.
Not pulling.
Just holding.
Like he needed something real.
Something steady.
My chest tightened.
“Caelum,” I said again, softer.
This time his fingers twitched.
That was it.
That was all I got.
But it was enough to make something inside me crack a little further.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that.
Time stopped mattering at some
point.
The palace didn’t exist.
The guards didn’t exist.
The crown didn’t exist.
Just him.
And me.
And the silence between heartbeats.
Eventually, his breathing evened out completely.
Not asleep at first.
Just...
quiet.
I shifted slightly so I could see his face better.
His eyes were closed now.
His lashes resting against his cheeks.
The tension that usually lived in his expression was gone.
Completely gone.
He looked
younger.
Not weak.
Never that.
Just...
unguarded.
It made something twist in my chest.
Something I didn’t want to name.
I shouldn’t have been this close.
I knew that.
Even as I stayed exactly where I was.
Even as I made no move to leave.
My hand was still in his hair.
Still at his waist.
Still holding him like letting go would undo something irreversible.
And maybe it would.
My thoughts drifted again.
Against my will.
Back to earlier.
Back to the wall.
Back to the moment I almost...
I exhaled slowly through my nose.
“Idiot,” I muttered under my breath.
Not sure if I meant him.
Or me.
His fingers tightened slightly against my shirt again.
Subconscious.
Small.
And that was when I felt it.
Not the bond itself.
Not the glow.
Not anything visible.
Just the pull.
That constant, quiet pressure under my skin that never fully went away anymore.
It was different now.
Stronger.
Less confusing.
More insistent.
I hated that I was starting to understand it.
Because understanding meant acceptance.
And acceptance meant....
something I wasn’t ready for.
I adjusted my grip slightly, shifting so he was more comfortable without waking him.
He didn’t react.
Just sank into it like he trusted it would hold.
That thought stayed longer than it should have.
He trusted me.
Even now.
Even after everything.
Even after I pinned him to a wall like I had no self-control left in my body.
Even after I almost...
I stopped that thought again.
Hard.
A knock at the door made my head snap up instantly.
Instinct.
Protection.
Guard mode.
I didn’t move away from him, though.
Not fully.
Just shifted slightly so I could see the door without breaking contact.
It opened slowly.
Zayn.
Kai.
Luna.
Of course.
Zayn took one look at the scene and paused.
Kai immediately raised his eyebrows.
Luna just softened.
“...We’ll come back,” Zayn said slowly.
“No,” I said immediately.
Too fast.
They all froze.
“It’s fine,” I added more controlled.
“It’s not what it looks like.”
Kai snorted quietly.
“It looks like you finally stopped being in denial.”
“Shut up,” I muttered.
Luna stepped in slightly.
“He’s okay?”
I looked down at Caelum.
Still asleep.
Still holding onto me like I was something safe.
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “He is now.”
Zayn studied me for a long second.
Then exhaled.
“You look like hell,” he said.
“I feel like it.”
Kai leaned against the doorframe.
“So… you gonna admit it yet?”
“No.”
“All of that,” he gestured vaguely at Caelum and me, “and still no?”
I didn’t answer.
Because I didn’t have one that made sense.
Luna walked a little closer, careful not to disturb anything.
“He needs you,” she said softly.
That made my chest tighten again.
“I know,” I said.
And I did.
That was the worst part.
They didn’t stay long.
They didn’t need to.
They understood enough just from looking.
Which was its own kind of terrifying.
When they left, the room felt quieter again.
Heavier in a different way.
I stayed where I was.
Still holding him.
Still not moving.
Caelum shifted slightly again, this time more deliberate.
Slowly, he opened his eyes.
For a moment, he just looked at me.
Like he wasn’t sure I was real.
Then his grip tightened slightly on my shirt.
Not panicked.
Just...
anchored.
“You’re still here,” he said quietly.
“Yeah,” I replied.
Simple.
No hesitation.
He stared at me for another second.
Then, very slowly, he closed his eyes again.
Like that answer was enough.
My hand tightened in his hair before I could stop it.
Just slightly.
“Don’t disappear on me,” I muttered under my breath.
He didn’t respond.
But he didn’t let go either.
Eventually, I shifted so we were lying more comfortably.
Careful not to disturb him.
He followed instinctively, staying close.
We ended up properly under the blankets without either of us really deciding it.
He curled slightly into my side.
Like it was the most natural thing in the world.
And I...
I didn’t move away.
I stared up at the ceiling for a long time after that.
Listening to him breathe.
Feeling the weight of everything I didn’t understand pressing down harder than before.
I still didn’t have answers.
Still didn’t have clarity.
Still didn’t know what this meant.
But for the first time...
I wasn’t fighting it.
I just stayed.
Right there.
With him.
Because leaving suddenly felt like the one thing I couldn’t do.