49. Misely
forty-nine
Misely
I felt like I could crawl out of my skin, there were so many things trapped beneath the surface. But hadn’t I learned the hard way too many times to count that being honest about my feelings, especially when they rung this strongly, would do nothing but force people away?
Nobody wanted me in my entirety. Nobody wanted someone who talked too much, who felt too much, who was just…too much.
But Talon had showed up literally at my doorstep at two in the morning, and was now sitting on my couch asking me to tell him what I was thinking, what I was feeling. After only a week together and a week apart. And I was scared. Scared to tell him the truth and see him walk away. Even more scared that he’d stay only to hurt me again.
So, I stuck with what was safe. He’d asked about Benji, so I told him about Benji. About everything that had been accomplished in the last week and my relief at knowing that the boy was finally in good hands. When I finished, he was smiling, the sight soft and warm and everything I’d come not to expect from Talon MacArthur.
“If anyone could do right by that kid, it was you.” He said it with so much reverence it blindsided me. “You are amazing.”
I couldn’t meet his eyes. “That’s not what you were saying in Milo’s kitchen.”
His sigh shook and he cleared his throat. “Misely, about that…”
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t. “You were just caught off guard. Besides, you weren’t wrong. It’s not like we’re a couple.”
“No, but—”
“But what? Had a change of heart? You’re suddenly ready to settle down and be a daddy and husband and all those mundane things you never had any interest in before?” I could feel a full-blown spiral coming on, the word vomit stuck at the base of my throat. Until a large palm came to rest on my thigh, squeezing gently.
“Shut the fuck up and let me speak.” Those words had no business being spoken so softly.
“But—” His other hand came up to cover my mouth, his eyebrow cocking as if he were daring me to bite him as I had last time.
“Misely, I shouldn’t have said the things that I said to you. Yeah, I was caught off guard and instead of thinking it through, I overreacted. No, I completely fucked up. But look, I’m not some fucking prince, Blondie. You’re going to have to expect me to fuck up from time to time.
“But I’m here, aren’t I? And I’m in it, if you are. There won’t be a picket fence and I probably won’t be able to give you some elaborate wedding. But I’m not going to just…I can’t just forget about everything I found with you either. I know you were talking to your ex and he probably made pretty little promises that I will never make, but it took that asshole how many years to realize what he had?” My eyebrows narrowed in confusion, realizing he must be referring to James, but with his hand covering my mouth I couldn’t protest if I’d wanted to.
“It took me one week, Misely. One goddamned week to fall in love with you. You infuriate me and confuse me and are everything I thought I hated. But the last week without you has been one of the worst weeks of my life.”
Oh. My. God. Air . I needed air. There was no air. My heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest, and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe. The last time a romantic interest had told me they loved me, they were walking away. Everyone who ever claimed to love me, never loved me enough to stay. And Talon was right, he was here. And he was telling me he loved me, something that I never would have dreamed would happen. And the Misely from before, the Misely that wanted nothing more than she wanted that true, unconditional love, wanted to submit to it. But the Misely of right now knew better, knew that I had to be tread lightly, be cautious, because if I didn't, I wouldn't survive the heartbreak.
We were so different. We had so many things that could easily tear us apart and no, I wasn’t sure that they could be overcome with fanciful words. Not to mention all the things we didn’t know about one another. A week was not long enough to know if someone was your forever, not even I was starry eyed enough to believe that. And what about all the things I had dreamed of for my future? And my career? And Leo? And Kyle? There were too many questions, too many what ifs.
Talon’s other hand left my thigh and came up to my face, shifting so that he cradled my cheeks. His thumbs, calloused as they were, trailed gently over my skin, a knowing shine in his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that had haunted my dreams since the second I’d first seen him. God, he was too beautiful for his own good.
“You’re thinking too much. Tell me what you’re worrying about.”
“I want a family one day. A husband or a wife. Kids. You just said there won’t be a picket fence. And the way you reacted over a pregnancy scare ?” I shook my head, but he didn’t drop his hands. “You said yourself, you have no interest in being a father.”
His lips wobbled, a distinct vulnerability softening his features, his voice barely a whisper. “I was scared, Misely.”
“And I wasn’t?”
His eyes squeezed shut, regret lacing his response. “I was scared for you . I have so much baggage. A son who will never know me because of it. I didn’t want you to be another woman going into hiding with our kid to protect you from my uncle. I said all the wrong things, but my only intention had been to make you hate me . If I severed ties with you, nobody would link you or our baby to me. And you could live your life without worries.”
“So, what? Everything you said was a lie?” I asked, letting my disbelief bleed through. “You want to be a dad and move to a little neighborhood and all of that baggage doesn’t matter anymore because all of a sudden you’re in love with me?”
The color drained from his face, showcasing his discomfort, and for just a moment I wondered if this was where he would back out. He swallowed before meeting my eyes again. “I have never thought it was an option for me. Before. And I’m not…I’m not ready. For any of that, not yet.”
He stopped talking and I just blinked, waiting. It was simpler for him to throw up his walls and shut people out, especially with heavier, more emotional topics. But if he wanted me to hear him out then I needed to hear it all. He sighed, “But I can see it now, with you. With you, I can actually imagine a future. I want that future.”
I felt my blood begin to quicken in my veins, that dreaded sense of hope already warming my skin. With every fiber of my being, I tried to tamp it down, stomp it away. “And what about Kyle? And Leo?”
He was ready with his response this time, and it was lighter, like he was feeling optimistic. “Milo got me in touch with the detective he’s working with. Kenna and Leo are under protective surveillance as we speak and some details are being worked out. Kenna is really not happy about any of this, but she’s cooperating. You were right, though.”
“I usually am. But humor me. About what this time?”
His smile was brief and he pulled one hand away to run it through his hair. “Kyle has fucked with all of us long enough. He shouldn’t get to be the authority on what kind of life we live. I’m thirty-fucking-four years old, I’m not that helpless kid anymore. I can do something about it now.”
I sucked in a small breath. “What does that entail?”
“Well, so long as the safety of Leo and his family are guaranteed, then I will be entered into witness protection like Milo. I'm going to serve as a witness against Kyle at trial.”
Pulling my face away, I swallowed, trying to ignore his hurt expression. “That's amazing, but Talon I’m not moving and I’m not changing my name.”
“Blondie, I—”
“No, I’m not like Birdie. I can’t just pick up and go. And even if I could, it’s not like I’ve had months to fall in love with you like she did with your brother. No matter how I might feel about you right now, you can’t expect me to give up everything I’ve started for myself here after a week long roadtrip.” I’d worked my ass off when I moved to Chicago, and I had a career that was incredibly fulfilling. Look at what I had been able to do for Benji? And there were so many kids like him in this city alone. If Talon were to go into witness protection, I couldn't give it all up to go with him, even if it broke my heart.
Talon seemed to read the panic in my expression because he immediately began shaking his head, scooting close enough to me on the couch that are knees knocked together. “I’m not asking you to give up anything. What I’m asking…” He took a deep breath, grabbing my hands and holding them on our conjoined laps. “I’m asking that if I give up everything I have built—my place, my shop, everything, and I come here with a whole new identity and a fresh start, will you take a chance on me ?”
My lower lip was trembling. Why was it trembling? “What about Kyle? Isn’t it too risky, being so close? Won’t they piece us together somehow?”
“He’s not smart enough to go digging right under his nose. I have made sure there's no trail of crumbs that will connect me to you. As far as they know, when Birdie left Wisconsin, the two of you lost contact. Since then, there’s been no reason to follow up on you and I’ve given them no reason to suspect I had any interest in finding you.” I heard it then, the hope in his voice, new and potent. With Talon I had heard anger and distrust, agitation, worry, possessiveness even. Never hope. His gaze dropped to our hands and a tear slid down his cheek and for the dozenth time I felt like the air had been vacuumed out of the room. When he spoke again, there was a distinct wobble in his words.
“Misely, everything about the way I’ve handled things with you has been wrong. I can sit here all night and tell you how I did it for my family, for the love of that, but it’d just be an excuse. The reality is that I could’ve threatened the address out of you, then been on my way. But I didn’t. Because once I was here and you were right in front of my face, I wanted more. No, I needed more. More of your time, your company, your snarky little comments. You are…a force.
“And I just want to bask in that energy, in your energy. Maybe that makes me sound like a fucking tool, but I don’t care. All my life I thought I understood what love was. I loved my parents, and I love my little brother and even my bitchy sister and I would destroy anybody for them, I would. But I realized that whatever it is in my chest that made me get on that fucking plane tonight when Birdie said you had a man here…I would let you destroy me for it. So do it, baby. Put me out of my misery and tell me you don’t want me. Crush my heart.
“I don’t care if it’s only been a week, I told you, that’s all it took. My entire adult life I have avoided emotional entanglements and in one goddamn week you pulled the rug right out from under me, and now I am yours to do with as you wish. So do it, destroy me. Devil knows I would deserve it.”
Damn him. Damn him and damn the tears that were streaming down his face and mine. Damn him because now I understood what Birdie meant when she said James wasn’t the sun. But neither was Talon. It was me. I was the sun and I’d caught him in my orbit and now he was giving me the chance to set him free if I wanted to but he had to know that I couldn’t. And it wasn't because I was naive or desperate or idealistic. It was because asshole Talon MacArthur had broken down his own walls to show me that whether I chose him or not—I was worthy of the love I'd always desired, I deserved to have it, and if I wanted to, I could give it back. And I did. Damn him, I did.
“I love you too,” I whispered, the words drowning out as Talon crumpled to his knees on the floor in front of me, a ragged sob shaking out of his chest as he clutched himself to me. Laying his head in my lap and I didn't hesitate to begin raking my fingers through his dark curls. “I want to try, Talon. With you, I’ll try.”
He didn’t answer, his tears seeping through the fabric of my sweatpants. That was fine, everything that needed to be said had been. I let him stay there as I combed my nails through his hair, let myself hope that there would be so many more moments like this. Moments where he trusted me with his vulnerability, where he could let up some of that desperate need for control and lean on me for strength.
When enough time had passed and the shaking subsided, Talon sat up and met my eyes with a determined glint in his own. We crashed together, our kiss not gentle or sweet or loving. It was a focused claiming of mouths and hearts, and I handed mine over to him in the same breath, giving it to him to break or cherish, and allowing myself to hope he’d choose the latter.