Chapter 19
Evan
I got home from Noah’s and went straight to the nursery to lay my daughter down so I can think. I don’t want Alani to feel trapped, but I’m terrified of letting her go back to work. We would need to hire a nanny to watch Harper, but I don’t trust anyone with her. Except maybe Molly and Kerrigan, but they are both so busy I wouldn’t dream of asking them. I’m starting to realize Alani and I have fallen back into the same pattern we were in before her abduction. Well, we’re having sex more often, but I think that’s something we turn to in order for us to not have to talk about the things we’ve been avoiding. I still want and love Alani, but I worry she doesn’t love me. At least, not the way I need her to.
I hear Alani call out from the living room and I decide now is the time to have the talk. I want to know where we stand and what her plans are. We have a kid now and she needs stability.
“Hey! Did you enjoy your night with the girls?” I ask.
“Yeah. It was good seeing them. I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed them,” she says as she sits down on the couch.
“Good. That’s good.” I pause briefly before continuing, “Alani, we need to talk.”
“I know. I’ve been running from this for too long.”
“Me too,” I say.
“Evan, I’m going back to work,” she states, and it immediately pisses me off, but I know I have to remain calm if we want to finish this conversation for once.
“Why? You have a daughter now. And Jackson is still out there.”
“Because I want some sort of independence back, Evan. I have no money, no car, no apartment. You’re paying for everything.”
“It’s fine. I can afford it, Alani,” I say.
“I know you can, but I don’t want to be kept here, Evan. I like working.”
While I understand what she’s feeling, I still try to find a reasonable solution. “Can you at least give me some time to find a better location for your office?”
“Yes, of course—I’m not trying to be stupid about all this. I want to get back out there, but I also want to be safe.”
“Thank you. Can we talk about us for a few minutes?” I ask.
The look in her eyes softens as she replies with a simple “Sure.”
Lani
I’m nervous. I know this talk is a long time coming, and I don’t want to hurt Evan, but I know I will. Hopefully he will understand all that I’m about to say.
“What are we doing, Alani?” Evan bluntly opens up the topic of us.
“I don’t know,” I reply, shaking my head. “Just taking it day by day right now. But I know that needs to change….”
“Well, you know where I stand—where I’ve stood for the last couple of years. I guess the question is...what do you want?”
“Evan, there’s so much going on in our lives. And my feelings are all over the place. I’m still scared, but I can’t keep living like this.”
“When you say you can’t keep ‘living like this’, do you mean not being able to leave my place or you can’t stay here with me?” he asks .
“Evan, I haven’t made any decisions about my own life for over a year. I was forced to move in with you, forced to have a daughter, forced to stay indoors, and forced to depend on you. It isn’t your fault, and I’m not blaming you—I blame Jackson for all of this. But I want my life back. I want our daughter to be safe, and I want for us to make decisions that are ours to make and are not being forced upon us,” I try to explain. I look at him and I see the same frustration in his eyes and realize they are probably a mirror of mine.
“What do you want, Alani? Tell me exactly what you want,” he says. “Don’t dance around it. Tell me. You want to be able to start making decisions so start right now.” He isn’t mad—I think he realizes I’m still trying to hint at what I want.
“I want to start working again and making my own money,” I say as I look in his eyes. “And I want to move out.”
Evan looks away, closes his eyes, and appears to be in deep thought. A few moments later, he lets out a sigh before opening his eyes and says, “I’ll move out.”
“No,” I object, “this is your home. I’ll move out. I’ve already talked to my parents, and they will help me get into a secure apartment building and pay for the security needed.”
“There is no place more secure than this building. I’m moving out.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve already given up so much for me. This is your home.”
“I’ve lived here for about eight years. And the only time this place feels like a home to me is when you and our daughter are here. My daughter will lay her head to sleep every night in the same room she’s been sleeping in. This is her home, not mine,” he says, his voice cracking at the mention of Harper.
My heart is aching so badly. I don’t want to hurt him. “Evan, when I give you my heart, I want it to be my decision and not marred by some fear. I do love you, Evan, but I’m confused, and I worry that I love you because you’ve become such a good friend and protector. I want to know that I love you for all the right reasons. You deserve that.”
“I’m not going to lie, Alani—it hurts, but I can’t live like this anymore either. I’ll get together with your parents so we can discuss security for you and Harper. Please don’t leave this apartment with our daughter alone.”
“I won’t.” I assure him. Noticing the hurt and concern in his eyes, I instantly feel guilty. “I’m sorry, Evan.”
“So am I,” he says before heading back to his room. I don’t follow because I know I will only feel compelled to change my mind and stay.