Chapter 44 Maddy
MADDY
My eyes snapped open to a dark room. I was drenched with sweat. Gasping in air, I pressed a hand to my chest. My sternum ached like it was about to break in two. In fact, my entire body ached like I had the worst flu in the world. Nico awoke almost instantly and rolled over to check on me.
“What’s wrong? Maddy? What’s happening?” He fumbled with the light switch on the nightstand and turned on the lamp.
My body felt like it was on fire. My skin was so sensitive that when Nico touched me, I hissed in pain and waved him off, unable to speak.
The sound of snarling reverberated through the room, and it took a moment for me to realize it was coming from my own mouth.
I couldn’t even attempt to form human words.
Nico straddled me and leaned in. I could hear him talking, but I was too freaked out to comprehend his words.
I thrashed around, gasping for air, and then fur started to sprout on my skin.
I looked at it and felt more terror at the sight of it.
My breathing became more erratic, and I was on the verge of hyperventilating.
The panic that flooded through my body pushed the fur away.
My skin was all that remained, clammy and sweaty as it was.
I was finally able to tell what Nico was saying.
He wasn’t even talking to me. He was talking to my wolf.
Trying to calm it down and easing its frustrations.
It must have worked because I finally started to feel more normal.
It took nearly twenty minutes for the episode to wind down, and I lay there exhausted and panting.
My wolf’s irritation and anger at not being able to come out was rising. I wished she’d find a better way to express herself. This was starting to get ridiculous. Easing myself up onto my pillows, I wiped a hand across my forehead and gave Nico a wan smile.
He sighed and shook his head before pulling me into a hug. “Maddy, you have to stop fighting your wolf.”
“I didn’t think I was.” I didn’t like the whiny sound that crept into my voice.
“I’m not sure if you’re consciously doing it, but it’s pretty evident that you are.”
I sighed and fought back tears. “I didn’t know what was happening. I was scared.”
He nodded and brushed my hair back from my cheek.
“I know. You haven’t shifted yet, and the longer you go without shifting, the harder it’s going to be.
I think that’s the problem. You’re scared.
That fear is holding her back. You can’t fear her.
She’s a part of you now. I can see why it would be scary. ”
“But—”
“I know what else you’re scared about. I swear I won’t let you turn into Edemas. I promise.”
He’d known what my argument was going to be. It was true. The dreams I kept having made me feel like becoming a power-hungry beast was right on the horizon. Like there was no way to avoid it. Why else would I be having nightmares?
“I’ll go make you some chamomile tea. I’ll be right back,” Nico said, standing and heading toward the door.
As I waited for him, I tried my best to talk to my wolf. Her anger and resentment were like a wet blanket on my mind, suffocating everything else. Nico returned a few minutes later with a mug of tea.
“I’m going to go downstairs and drink it,” I said.
“Babe, you need some rest. Are you sure you don’t want to try and get some more sleep?”
I stood and put a robe on. “It’s fine. I need some time to think anyway.”
“Okay, I’ll come and sit with you,” Nico said.
“No.” I put a hand on his chest and kissed his cheek. “It’s fine, really. You go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He didn’t protest. Once he was in bed, I took my tea and went downstairs. As I walked down, I tried again to communicate with my wolf.
“You can’t try to come out in the middle of the night,” I whispered. “It freaked me out.”
That was a bit of a lie. Yes, it had freaked me out, but would it have been any different in the daytime?
I didn’t think it would have been. I really was terrified of shifting the first time.
Panic would have set in no matter where my wolf had tried to come out.
I had no idea how to get beyond the fear of shifting.
My wolf didn’t like that line of thought.
After sitting on the couch for a few hours, I finally managed to sleep for a few hours, curled up on the cushions.
I woke to Nico heading out the door. I’m sure he hadn’t wanted to wake me.
He’d done his best to close the front door quietly, but my new senses were much more sensitive.
I rubbed my eyes and felt the strange, heavy exhaustion that came from sleeping but not sleeping enough.
Like your body knew it had been screwed out of something and was gonna make you pay for it the moment you started moving.
I got dressed and grabbed a book. Nico had scheduled Javi’s guys to come over again for another training session.
I didn’t know if this one would be an all-day affair like the last one, but I wanted to be prepared.
My wolf stirred as I headed to the field.
She was pissed at me. I couldn’t blame her.
If the tables were turned, and I was stuck inside her and couldn’t get out, I was pretty sure I’d be angry as hell.
I continued my internal monologue with her as we walked, but I wasn’t sure it was getting through. I found my usual spot beneath a tree and read a few chapters before glancing up to watch the training.
It looked like Nico was working on defensive maneuvers.
They were broken up into multiple smaller groups.
Nico had one person trying to defend themselves against everyone else in the small groups.
It was scary watching one lone shifter try to fend off three or four others.
None of them were doing well and kept getting overrun.
Was this how it would be when the fight with the royals finally happened? Would we be swarmed and destroyed?
Nico must have seen the same thing I did.
He called for a pause and gathered everyone into a circle.
“Okay,” he called. “Let’s get a better understanding.
Javi, come here.” Nico waved to the leader of the other shifters, and he strolled into the circle.
“I’m going to have Javi come for me. Most shifters think like a wolf when we go into battle.
We go for the throat, the inner thighs, the balls.
All the soft spots. That’s what you have to defend.
Watch.” He motioned toward Javi. “Come at me.”
Javi shifted and circled Nico before lunging toward him.
He snapped at Nico’s throat, but he was able to lunge to the side and made a motion with his hand toward Javi’s stomach.
He straightened and pointed. “See? Be ready for the attack, know where they are going to go, and be prepared to counterattack. If I’d had a knife in my hand, I could have laid Javi’s guts open.
We’ll do it a few more times so you can see what I mean. ”
I watched as Javi and Nico sparred, going back and forth, shifting to wolf form and then back again.
It was all pretend, nothing but a training session, but anger welled up inside me.
The sight of someone attacking my mate made my wolf go crazy.
She was gnashing her teeth and pacing inside my mind.
I tried to ignore her and watch what was going on.
Javi circled Nico and managed to get inside his defenses, striking against Nico’s ribs.
It was only at half-strength, and Nico didn’t even flinch.
It was harmless, but my wolf couldn’t stand it.
I blinked, and there was a blur, like looking out a window of a speeding car.
There was rage too, a red, seething bubble of anger and indignation.
It all happened so fast that I couldn’t process what was happening.
When my vision coalesced again, I was standing in the circle. There were screams and shouts of alarm and surprise all around me. I kept blinking, glancing around, and seeing all the looks of confusion and fear in everyone’s eyes. I looked over at Nico. “What… what happened?”
Nico held a hand up and looked wary. “Maddy? Can you put your… your hand, er, claw down?”
“What?” I turned to look at my hand. I froze. My entire right hand had morphed into the clawed hand of a werewolf. The longest claw was pressed right against Javi’s throat. A single drop of blood slid down toward his collarbone from where the skin had barely been pierced. “Oh shit,” I hissed.
“Yeah. That’s… well, that’s not good,” Javi said but didn’t sound terribly worried. “If I’m honest, I’d rather it be my neck than my nuts.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t… I didn’t realize—” I couldn’t figure out how I’d even gotten into this situation.
“Cool, cool, cool. Could you maybe put that thing away?” Javi asked.
I realized my claw was still at his throat. Pulling it away, the flesh immediately returned to human skin. My nails were mine again, no longer wickedly long. “I’m so sorry,” I said to Javi.
Javi raised his hands. “No big.” He smiled. “You did know we were only practicing, right?”
I slunk off in mortified embarrassment. Nico called my name, then ordered Luis to take over the training session.
I tried to walk faster when I heard his footsteps behind me but gave up once we were back at the tree.
I turned to face him; the skin of my cheeks must have been blood red. Heat was radiating off my face.
“I’m sorry, Nico.”
“Hey, it’s fine. Javi’s cool. No harm, no foul.”
I rolled my eyes. “I almost killed him, for God’s sake.”
“It’s all good. Everyone was a little… surprised, I guess.”
“You don’t understand,” I said, anger lacing every word. “I couldn’t control it. It came out of nowhere, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was too late. It’s all my wolf. She got pissed that he was attacking you and took over.”
Nico put his hands on my shoulders. “Big deep breath. Calm down, Maddy.”
I tried slinging his hands away but only managed to flop my own arms around ineffectually.
Tears started pouring across my cheeks. “I feel like I’m losing control.
My wolf doesn’t understand my fear and hesitation.
I’m having to deal with my own shit and all this crap going on in my head with this wolf.
I’m worried I’m going to go crazy before I can get it under control. ”
I was out of breath by the time I was done venting.
Nico stood there, letting me finish my freak out.
My body was exhausted, and I knew that each day would only get worse.
Everything that had happened since I bought that damned DNA test had been a living hell—everything except Nico.
It still made me wish I’d never bought the stupid fucking thing.
“Come with me,” Nico said.
“Where? The freaking psych ward?”
“Stop that. Come on.”
He took my hand and led me to the back edge of the field.
I averted my eyes from the crowd as we passed.
I didn’t want to see the stares I was probably getting.
Nico continued walking even as we entered the forest. Holding his hand, I let him lead the way, no idea where he was taking me.
After about four hundred yards, the sounds of training vanished, muffled by the leaves and undergrowth of the forest. We finally felt truly alone, and some of my anxiety started to fade.
We rounded a small copse of trees and found a seven-foot-wide creek running through the woods. The water burbled and swirled among rocks. It was the most calming thing I’d ever seen. Nico walked toward it and dipped a hand in up to the wrist. “I used to come here when I was younger.”
“Why?” I asked dumbly.
“Well, as you can see, it’s a pretty quiet place. A good spot to get your mind right.”
“So… do I drown myself or something?” I asked, but the joke fell flat.
“Sit with me. I’ll try to show you a way to control the feelings you're having,” Nico said, patting the mossy ground beside him.
I sat cross-legged next to him, and he put a hand on my thigh.
He looked me in the eye and took a deep breath.
He didn’t say anything, just gave me a look that told me he wanted me to follow along.
I obliged and matched his breathing. Three seconds in, three seconds out.
After a few minutes, I was much more at ease. Most of my anxiety was gone.
“My dad taught me some of this when I was getting ready for my first shift,” Nico said. “Close your eyes and think about running along this stream.”
I did as he asked, closing my eyes and visualizing running beside the gurgling water. Even in my imagination, I was clumsy and tripped over a rock.
“Now, imagine you aren’t human anymore. Imagine you have four legs. Try to see yourself sprinting along, the wind in your fur, the ground beneath your paws.”
I did that, and almost immediately, my wolf calmed, like she was getting to experience the actual sensation of running through the forest. My heart rate slowed so much that I only felt it beat every few seconds. When I finally opened my eyes, I felt more rested than I had in days.
Nico grinned at me. “How’s that feel?”
I nodded. “Better. A lot better, actually.”
“Good. I think I know part of the problem. Your wolf is an alpha. There’s a territorial aspect to things that humans don’t ever feel. Not in the way we do, that is.”
“Territory? What do you mean?”
“As an alpha, your wolf is trying to figure out where she fits in. She probably doesn’t know where she belongs.”
“Doesn’t she belong with you?”
“Yes. But she’s never experienced the world until she was awoken within you.
It’s all new. Imagine being born and waking up, but you’re in an adult’s body.
You’ve got the mind of a child but none of the history or background to know how to react to the world around you.
All you’ve got is an innate instinct. That’s what your wolf is dealing with.
She wants to belong. We are pack animals first and foremost. If you still view the world from the eyes of a human, you won’t ever be at home with the pack.
If you aren’t at home here, then she never will be.
If you can truly open yourself to being one with the pack, then I think things will get better. ”
He was right. I hadn’t thought about that. I wasn’t human anymore. I was a shifter. My wolf settled even more as realization dawned on me. My life was different. It was different in a good way. We were home. This was where we belonged.