10. Dove
ten
Dove
I wake up to the smell of food somewhere around me. Real food. Bacon, eggs, and something sweet, like donuts. My mouth waters and I swallow into my still-aching throat, but don’t get up.
I turn on my other side, my shirt riding up and exposing a few inches of my skin beneath the blankets. Something rough and foreign scratches that exact spot.
Blindly, I extend my hand behind me, halting when my fingertips feel the object. It’s paper. Neatly folded, small, and thick. I take a sharp breath in, remembering it must be what fell from Cole’s hand yesterday when he came into my room.
My immediate instinct is to get up and open it, but… why would he leave it like this and not give it to me directly? My eyebrows furrow as I think through it. Maybe, just maybe , Cole knows I’m being watched here, and he didn’t want them to see what he left me.
“We’re watching you, ” I recall him saying before leaving.
I know he said he’s working for them now, but I wonder… did he even have a say in it? Is my brother plotting something the EFW can’t know about? Magnus said the reason he gave me that knife was because Cole asked him to. Maybe all isn’t lost. Maybe my brother isn’t really who he showed me he is.
Slowly and as quietly as I can, I take the paper and open it in front of me under the blankets. It’s a standard letter size filled with what I recognize to be Cole’s handwriting, albeit rushed and more chaotic than I remember it. As if he didn’t have time to write it, or… he didn’t want to get caught doing it.
My eyes shift across the paper rapidly, confirming it.
“Don’t get out from under the covers to read this. There are cameras in your room.”
I cover my mouth with my empty hand, staying still like a mouse hiding in a long field.
“When you’re done reading, scrunch this letter in your hand and flush it down the toilet.”
I nod, a kernel of hope blooming somewhere in the depths of my pain.
I was right. Oh my God , I was right.
“I’m going to assume Rowan told you what I was really doing in the military and what we were striving for. All of that is true. I was going to climb my way up to a leadership role in the FBI. The reason is simple, though I know it will be hard for you to believe right now—but it truly was for you and Mom. All of it. I wanted you to have a better life in this country, and with the war looming over our heads, I didn’t want you to worry about anything as you grew up.”
I clutch the paper tighter, warm tears running down my fever-streaked cheeks. My eyes are hurting from the lack of light under these blankets, but nothing could stop me from finding out what really happened to my brother.
“Five years ago, I went out one night to take care of a loose end. I didn’t think much about it until I arrived and the EFW were there waiting for me. I tried fighting them off, but the trap had been set specifically for me. I practically ran straight into it and stood no chance to escape it. They faked my death—switched bodies with someone they had already prepared to imitate mine… my tattoos, everything. The only difference was my face, so they took care of that by crushing his until it was unrecognizable.”
The memory of that day hits me—of how they wouldn’t let us open the casket because of how disfigured Cole’s face supposedly was. My mom insisted on seeing it. They let her, and then she couldn’t sleep for weeks after that. I let out a shaky breath, and I keep reading.
“I was brought to one of their outposts—I couldn’t tell you which—and tortured almost to death. They took their sweet time to break me, and I was a stubborn motherfucker. For an entire year, I lived like a rat between pythons, beaten and brought back to life more times than I can count. There was no escaping. God knows I tried. I tried… and I couldn’t do it.
“And I was so mad, Dove. There was so much anger inside me for falling into their trap. No one knew I was here or that I was still alive. It was so lonely… and I kept shouting into the fucking void. They might as well have buried me alive. As time went on in that basement cell where they kept me, eventually I learned to turn that rage into something useful. I let them think they broke me, then used the next few years to start a rebellion behind their backs.”
Footsteps approach my room and I panic, folding the paper back into my hand. I spend a few moments in complete silence, holding my breath and only hearing my heavy heartbeat pound in my ears. I resume reading when I know they’re gone.
“I wasn’t allowed outside of their outpost at first. They had eyes on me everywhere. Every word I said, every breath I took, it was all under constant surveillance. So I gave in… for a while. I figured if I proved myself, they would gain more and more trust in me. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, Dove. Things that I’d be ashamed to tell you about.
“But they all led here, to this moment, to this phase, when everything is about to come crashing down on them. It took me two whole years until I started going up in their internal ranks. The more things I did for Salister, the more he believed in me, and he started giving me a bit of free rein. I could go outside the walls… but I still couldn’t come back to you, to the life we had.”
My heart is thrashing so hard against my skin, I can barely contain myself.
I slide the paper higher in my hands, continuing.
“They went with me everywhere. I tried fighting them off once or twice, which only landed me back in my basement cell for another six months, until Salister gave me another chance. This time, I took it. One, because I didn’t see another way out, and two, because I figured out how to beat them at their own fucking game. I became one of them, hoping I could take them down from the inside.
“Magnus, the man I sent to give you that knife, was in on it, and so are many others. I’ve gathered a small army here, men who got played after being Salister’s loyal dogs, men whose brothers have been killed for things so stupid, so simple that it didn’t make any fucking sense. Anyone who is a liability to the system gets removed. But the system is crumbling, Dove. And when the time comes, we’ll strike.”
“I love you, kid. And I’m so fucking sorry you and Mom got caught up in this. I tried to protect you, I always did. The day when someone broke into your apartment? It was me. I did that on purpose, because you still hadn’t moved in with Rowan after he reached out.
“And God, I hated him so much for doing that. I asked him to watch over my family, not get my little sister involved in this kind of life. I hated him so much, and yet… in the end, I was glad. You make him so happy, like I’ve never seen him before, and he kept you safe for so long, even when you didn’t know he was in your life. It made sense that he would fall in love with you, that bastard. He’s a good man. And you… you’re perfect, Dove. I’m so proud of you for the woman you’ve become.”
A faint smile finds its way to my lips, the first one I’ve had in days. I swallow back tears, trying to stay quiet as best I can.
Cole looked after me… and he looked after Rowan. And he did his best to make sure we were okay when he was here, all alone, with no one to care for him. Wasting away while he was forced to see us all move on with our lives, thinking he was dead.
My heart breaks for him, and for a moment, I forget about my own pain. I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly so I can tell him that I remember. That he was never forgotten, and I’ve never stopped loving him, even when I thought he was gone. I flip the page, going through the last paragraphs.
“It was crucial that you moved in with Rowan because I knew what was coming. They were planning to get to you, and I knew you’d be safe with him. My mistake was not being able to secure Mom’s safety sooner. That’s how they lured you out, and it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry.”
My entire body goes taut at the mention of our mother. I don’t even know if she’s still alive. I couldn’t see her that day. I was stupid enough to go after that doctor and out of Rowan’s sight. If I had known… if I had known it would be this easy to kidnap me, I…
“I might not make it out of here alive, Dove, but I’ll get you out. I need you to be strong. I can’t talk to you, can’t even look at you. To them, I’m no longer someone with a consciousness. I’m only the monster they created, and I intend to keep being one until I’m confident we can strike back and win. That’s why I’m writing this letter. You’re a key piece of the puzzle in all of this, and you need to stay alive. You’re the only bargaining chip Salister has against Rowan. If you die, they’ll shoot him on the spot when he gets here, because there’s no way he’d agree to working for Salister unless he’d be doing it to save you. They’d much rather get rid of him.”
“Today I was sent to comfort you so you don’t end your life. They’ve been watching you… and they think you want to do it. If they don’t see you get better, you’ll end up back in that basement, tied up and fed by a tube until Rowan gets here. Don’t let them win, Dove. Think about Rowan—he’d die for you. You know he would. I love you so much, kid. I love you…”
I clutch the paper in my hand, wanting to reread it. Wanting to hear more of what my brother has to say, of what he’s been through… But I know better than to compromise his safety by being careless. So I fold the paper back into the small square that scratched my skin, hiding it in my fist.
“F-Fuck,” I breathe out.
I slowly push the covers off me, clearing my throat as the swelling reminds me that I’m still sick. I drape my legs over the mattress and get myself up to stand. Dizziness takes over, so I lean against the wall, regaining my balance. I go into the adjacent bathroom, careful not to reveal the paper in my hands to the cameras watching me. I still haven’t seen any, so they probably didn’t want me to know I’m being watched at all. That must be how they found out Magnus gave me that knife.
After using the toilet and flushing the piece of paper down, I wash my hands, feeling the sting from when I rubbed them raw earlier. When I rise from the sink, I glimpse myself in the mirror above it.
The face of a murderer. And the face of a coward.
It’s been days since I’ve seen myself, and I look so different. My face is thinner, cheeks hollow and sucked-in. My skin is pale, and I look sickly in a strange way. They haven’t given me any antibiotics, and I haven’t asked. I didn’t think they’d care, but seeing that I look like this, maybe I should. If they care so much about keeping me alive, maybe they’d give me some.
I look into my swollen eyes, and the song of death calls to me again. I shouldn’t be here anymore, yet I am. Cole’s words come back to me in waves, knocking at the door of my reasoning, at the bit of sanity I’ve still got left. I don’t want to keep fighting. I feel weak and useless and my entire body is begging me to go to sleep and never wake up. But my brother is right. For him… for Rowan… for my mother, I’ll fight. These people are my whole world, and I will not turn my back on them.
It’s then that I decide I’ll no longer be a victim.
No more of this. I won’t be afraid.