Maddox
As soon as I’m free from the house, I break into a run.
Running until I’m out of breath, I stop in the middle of an open field and let out a scream.
‘Why the fuck is he doin’ this? Kai and I just started figurin’ things out!
’ I think, a moment of panic hitting me, ‘Wait, does he know, is that why he’s doin’ this?
’ Thoughts race through my mind as I kick an empty bottle across the field.
‘I have to tell Kai I’m leavin’. I have to end it. God knows I don’t want to, but I can’t just disappear and Mel will end up tellin’ him anyway.’ I think as I pull my phone out and shoot him a text that I’m on my way over.
He’s not on the front porch when I show up, so I head around back to our spot. I find him sitting in the van permanently parked in the Sullivan’s backyard and climb in, dread fills me as I sit beside him. We share a cigarette as Kai not so subtly sneaks glances at me.
This van is one of the few places where we can just be without worrying about wandering eyes.
It’s where no one would see anything to report back to Mack.
He had made it well-known that no son of his would ever be a “faggot”.
‘Ha! Joke’s on you dear ol’ dad.’ I think, as I gather courage to do what I came here to do.
I was tense, resting my balled fist on my bent knee, my other leg outstretched, foot tapping to the song in my head.
‘Why the fuck is ‘Don’t Go Away Mad’ stuck in my head right now?
’ I thought, steeling myself for what I was about to do.
‘Fuck! It’s gonna kill ‘im, but I gotta do this. I just hope he gets that it’s not forever, just for a while.
If I don’t do this, they’re gonna pick up Dad and then it’ll be worse when he gets home. Have to make him understand.’
Kai ran his hand over my outstretched leg pressed against his. “What’s wrong?”
Cracking my neck, I ripped off the bandaid, “I have to go away for a bit.”
Kai gasped, “Come on, Dax. No you don’t. We just got us figured out,” he says, shifting to straddle my leg and forcing me to look him in the eye, something I was trying to avoid.
Trailing my hand up Kai’s chest, fingers glancing over the Adam's apple in his throat, I stop, cupping his jaw. “I wish it could be different, but if I don’t do this it’ll be worse for me in the long run.
” I try to explain it simply, without too many details, tracing the apple of Kai’s cheek with my thumb.
‘I just need him to trust me,’ I think, watching his reaction to what I was telling him.
Latching onto my arm, Kai pleads with his eyes, trying to change my mind. “I can help you! You can stay here. You don’t have to go home. Please! Don’t let him win.”
Using my thumb to wipe away the single tear that had escaped Kai’s eye, “Kitten, listen to me. I’m gonna do this, and then it’s us.
I need to know that you’re havin’ fun, that you’re livin’ life.
I’m comin’ back for you. This is not an end, just a pause, Darlin’,” I explained, trying to make him see that this separation wasn’t forever, but that we were.
Kai shifted on my leg and I adjusted so my gangly little ginger could squish himself into my lap and press his head under my chin. I kissed the top of his head as he started talking.
“I don’t get why we have to pause. I could come visit, write, we could do…” Kai said between sobs as I rubbed his back.
‘He can’t visit or write because if Mack figures out what’s goin’ on, then I really am a dead man.
Kai will be unprotected till I’m home. I have to make him stay away.
’ I think, pinching the bridge of my nose, ‘why is this kid making it harder on me, I’m gonna hav’ta be such a dick for this next sentence. ’
“Kitten, ya can’t visit or write. You’ll live your life and I’ll find you when I get back. Now, dry it up and kiss me goodbye.” I say clearing my throat to hide the crack in my voice. ‘He probably doesn’t think this is hard for me.’
Kai didn’t notice the hitch in my voice, all he heard was the words, “And what about what I want? Where does that come into all of this? If I wanna visit, guess what, Fucker, I will!” Kai snarled as he sat up, shoving me hard in the chest.
“Ay! Calm the fuck down and kiss me goodbye. We can talk about this when I get home. It’s not up for debate. I’ll send every letter back and I’m not puttin’ you on the visitors list. Knock that shit off and listen ta me,” I reiterate, anger flaring in my eyes.
“Maddox, do you really…” Kai starts to argue, pausing when he sees the hard set of my jaw, searching for a hint of hesitation in my blue eyes. Finding none, he finally nodded, leaning in to kiss me as if it was our last.
Wrapping my arms around Kai as the kiss broke, I rest our foreheads together, holding onto him tightly, savoring the feeling of him in my arms for the last time for who knows how long.
Breathing in the scent of the boy I loved, I pressed on, “Court is tomorrow. I’ll have Melody get a message to you,” I murmur softly into the space between us, nuzzling our noses together as I soak up a few more minutes of closeness.
Moving Kai off my lap, I kiss his forehead, before letting him know how this is gonna be. “I know this is hard, but I need you to do this for me.” I explain.
“Besides, if I’m gone, who’s gonna look after her? You two need each other now more than ever, don’t let me down, Darlin’.” I say, leaning in for one more kiss before turning to leave.
∞∞∞
Lighting a cigarette as I walked away from Kai, I keep thinking, ‘This isn’t fair’.
Turning in the direction of the abandoned buildings, I toss the butt and run towards the opening.
As I enter our other safe place, I kick an old beer can laying on the ground, the can echoing as it hits the crumbling wall.
Pulling out my phone, I text Mel, asking her to meet me at home soon. I have to fill her in on what’s going on, and I need some one on one time with her, too. She’s the only one who knows what’s going on with me and Kai. Her single letter response adds to my frustration.
Chewing my lip as I look around for something else to help get this rage out, I spy a pile of empty beer bottles littering a corner.
Making my way over, I bend down grabbing the neck of the dusty bottle and launch it across the room.
The sound of shattering glass fits the situation.
Feeling some of the tension release from the sound of splintered glass scattering across the empty brick room, I grab another and hurl it in the same direction.
As the third bottle hits, I scream my hatred of the man who helped give me life to the sky.
My pain echoes throughout the empty building as my breath catches and I lean against the jagged wall behind me.
Sliding down, I cradle my head in my hands and take this moment to fall apart.
I didn’t wanna do this with Kai around, didn’t want him to see that this was breaking me.
Taking a few moments to calm down, I stand up, brush myself off and head home, cutting through an alley to meet up with Ollie for a joint. ‘I have a feelin’ I’m gonna need this later,’ I think, sliding it into my pocket.
Reaching my house, I walk up the steps slowly.
Opening the front door, I find it empty, quiet.
Standing in the middle of the living room, I look around at the stained furniture, the trash littering the floor and the over-flowing ash tray on the coffee table.
‘What a shithole.’ I think as I make my way to my room.
It feels weird for the house to be silent, but right now, I need it.
Enter my room for what may be one of the last times for a while, I feel a nervous energy surge through me.
‘Great, what I wanna do, what I usually do, is out of the question. I mean, I just told him goodbye, it would kill him if I came back just to leave again. I can’t do that to him, as much as I want to.
’ I think, toeing at the pile of clothes on the floor.
Looking around the room, I wonder what I should pack up just in case Dad lets some of his “friends” stay in here while I’m gone.
Going over what I know I have to do in my head, ‘I know I have to give Mel my phone. Should I give her the box of mementos from “dates” Kai and I went on and that one picture I printed out?’ I ask myself.
As I was running over my “personal inventory”, Mel’s soft tapping on the door frame pulled me from my thoughts.
“You okay?” my little sister asks, flopping backwards on my bed, a knowing look on her face as she meets my gaze.
We’re twins, but I’m older by about five minutes and this twin shit is scary sometimes.
“Not even a little bit. Mack’s making me take the fall for his shit. I just left from tellin’ Kai that I’m goin’ away for a while. Mack’s a piece of work, his reasons make me sick. Fuck, I hate him so much.” She sits up and lays her head on my shoulder as I sit down next to her.
“How’d he take it?” Mel asks while playing with the hem on her t-shirt.
I swallow, sad green eyes haunting me as I blow out a deep breath. “How d’ya think?” I ask, eyebrow cocked.
Moving her hand to my knee, she squeezes as she says, “This sucks, Dax. Like, really sucks.”
Nodding, I kiss the top of her head, “Just be there for ‘im. Don’t let him get distracted from that fancy military school he’s tryin’ to get into. I can’t be the reason he loses that. I ain’t worth it.”
Her head snaps up at that, “Ain’t worth it?
Have you actually met you, asshole? You’re more than worth it, think about what you’re doin’ tomorrow.
This isn’t easy for anyone, especially you.
Would ya stop that shit already? You know Kai wouldn’t invest his time into someone ‘not worth it’,” she started, rolling her eyes at my words of self-deprication.