Sebastian #4
There’s a party going on in the living room and I’m sitting at the kitchen table, my leg propped up, staring at the gift from Dax sitting unopened on the table in front of me.
I don’t know if I have the heart to open it.
I’ve been home from the hospital for about two weeks now and he calls every other night. This was not how it was supposed to be.
Almost a month ago he was ripped away from me. Now there’s this heavy thing attached to my leg. I look at my casted leg bitterly as I think back to the shit show phone call with West Point.
‘Yes, we understand that you did not ask to be hit by the car, but the fact still remains that you have to reapply after the healing process. I am sorry Mr. Sullivan, but those are the rules. Good Luck with everything and we look forward to receiving your new application next year.’ The dial tone in my ear after that was a heavy blow.
I was tired all the time, but sleep evaded me. I was lucky to get an hour or two here and there. If it wasn’t the nightmares from the car hitting me, it was the pain. And I was alone in it.
Mel was gone. We had texted and talked a few times and she was loving the nanny gig.
Dani had been around a little, but being pregnant, the morning sickness was kicking her ass so she wasn’t fun to be around either.
I mean, sure we could be miserable together, but she preferred being curled up in her own bed.
Seb and Tessa tried but I was still mad at them for what they said after Dax was hauled off.
The younger kids were just excited I was still home.
Cal was probably the happiest I was still around because apparently I’m more fun than Seb.
Since I’m home all the time Tessa didn’t force him to go to summer camp.
Shaking the thoughts from my head, I sigh and finally pick up the envelope. Ripping it open, I pull out a drawing of a kitten curled up in what looked like a lap and a happy birthday message along with the promise of being there for me.
‘For what? Why should he be here for me? Our chances of getting out of this shithole town, away from his father and all his bullshit, are gone,’ I think, sadness flooding my thoughts alongside the feeling of failure.
Blinking back tears, I pinch the bridge of my nose.
‘I can’t do this. I can’t be the man he needs.
I need to let him go so he can find someone who can be there for him through this.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror, how can I look him in the eye ever again.
’ My phone ringing brought me back to the present.
Looking at the screen, I saw the unknown number I was beginning to recognize.
Rolling my eyes, I answer and sigh, thinking, ‘Oh, joy, one more conversation to bullshit my way through. Where the fuck is he gettin’ the money to make all these calls?
’ My thoughts flowed into each other as I listen to the recording and accept the call.
Maddox
As the call connects and I hear his dejected tone, all I wanna do is wrap him in my arms. I know I can’t, so I try my best to cheer him up by talking.
“Happy Birthday, Kitten,” I say with as much excitement as I can.
“Thanks,” he mumbles, before asking, “Dax, how can you afford to call this much?” Sighing, I rub the center of my forehead and shake my head.
“Don’t worry about that, I have the funds to do that and have extra for a few snacks,” I reply and then, shifting the subject, I ask, “How are you?”
I can practically hear the shrug in his voice, “I dunno, I have an appointment this week to hopefully get into a brace and out of the cast.”
“Does that mean you can travel again?” I ask, trying to keep the hope from my voice. It’s been a month since I’ve had him in my arms and I don’t like it at all.
“Dax, I dunno. It’s a lot to get to the L, transfer to get into downtown, then the Amtrak and the car ride to the prison and then in reverse. Even in the brace I’m gonna be slow and…” He is on another rant.
“Darlin’, I was just askin’. It’s fine. I know Zak would bring you if you’d answer any of his calls,” I remind him.
“Why are you stayin’ with me? I can’t get you outta here like I promised. I don’t know if or when I’m gonna be able to even get a job to help put money on your accounts. Who knows when the hell I can get to you. Why don’t you find someone there? At least…”
Hearing what sounds like a suggestion to let him go, that anything but him being him is the reason I’m with him, has me spitting mad.
I cut him off not wanting to hear the rest of that train of thought.
I know what this is, but I’ll be damned if I let it happen.
“Fuck you, Kai! You listen to me and really hear what I say. This is a minor inconvenience, but it does not change a god damned thing. I want you, you are mine and we will figure it out. I will not be finding anyone for anything. Now, knock that shit off.”
As I finish my rant, I hear the sniffle, ‘Fuck, I made him cry,’ I think, rubbing a hand over my mouth before speaking again. “Kitten? You okay?” I ask softly.
Kai
Wiping my nose, “Yeah, Baby, I’m okay. I needed to hear that, I think. Today just sucked. It’s just hard and it just…today was a lot,” I say with a sigh.
“I know, Kitten, I know. Look, I gotta go. I love you! I hope I get to see you soon. Okay?” Dax says.
“Love you too, Khayos,” I say as the call disconnects.
I sit at the table, smoking a cigarette, listening to the sounds of my family partying around me and letting the emotions flow.
‘The party is for me and no one is even payin’ me any attention.
It’s MY birthday. Why is it that the only one to get that, that would pay ME attention, is the one who can’t even be here for it? ’ I think with a bone deep sigh.
Rolling my eyes, I think about what Dax said, ‘Maybe I should call Zak, but what would I even say? Hey, I can’t get to Dax, will you take me?’
‘No, I’m gonna do what I can to take care of my man. As soon as I’m outta the cast, Cal is gonna have to get used to summer camp. I’ll find a job and at least then I can make sure he has money on his account,’ I think, determined to make it worth it for him to stick with me.
Sneaking up to bed isn’t that difficult.
I’m not partying with them for my birthday, not really much to celebrate anyways.
Settling into bed I look up at the ceiling, letting my eyes drift to the wildflowers drawn by my Khayos.
I had asked Seb to move it to the ceiling to make it easier to see.
‘Maybe we can get through this?’ I think as I drift off to sleep with the sounds of my family’s laughter floating up from downstairs.
∞∞∞
The next week flies by as I put in application after application for any job I can.
The doctors say I’m recovering well, and put me in a hinged brace for a post-op ACL tear.
Even with the brace, it’ll be hard to find a job on crutches.
But, even being confined for the next few weeks, I landed a job at Windy City Convenience.
The only problem with the job is that it requires weekends and nights so it looks like I am avoiding Dax. When we finally do get a chance to talk, the call is short because I’m tired. I hear the hurt in his voice and I know this is killing him, but maybe it’s for the best.
I can’t take care of us on this salary. I can barely afford to send him anything and when I try to write him, it’s the same old shit.
I get up, I go to work, I come home, I go to sleep.
Work is monotonous, I stock a few shelves and deal with random people looking for shit I don’t have. Same shit, every day.
I’m trapped in a wash, rinse, repeat cycle of sameness.
Around week six of work, I was freed from the brace.
I hadn’t laid eyes on Dax in almost two months, we barely talked and the letters may as well have been post it notes.
He’d even stopped sending me drawings at this point.
The last letter from him was simply “Yup and I still love you.”
The bell ringing drew my attention from the chips I was putting on the shelf. I looked up to see Zak standing just inside the store. ‘Fuck, now I’m in for it,’ I think, as I plaster a fake smile on my face and ask, “Can I help you?”
Zak stared at me, “Why have you not called me for help to see Dax?”
“Why would he wanna see me? I failed him,” I reply dejectedly as I limp over to start on another box of the shipment I’m working on.
Zak looked at me in disbelief, “Really, that is what you think? You need him and he needs you.”
I shake my head, “No, he doesn't need me or this. I can’t do anything for him. I’m barely able to send him enough to make sure he eats. He can do better.”
I watch Zak clench his fists and let them drop, “Durak! He need you. You need him. Knock this off. He needs his solnechny svet, his Kotenok. No brace I see, so you see him soon. Da?” Zak asks me.
“Fine, I’ll go see him as soon as I can get a weekend day off. Does that work for you?” I ask with a huff.
“Da, that work. Soon Kai. He need you,” Zak says as he turns and heads out.
Watching him leaving, I know that I won’t be going anytime soon, but that at least got him off my back.
Between this and the detectives poking around about the hit and run saying they may have new information about it and need to ask a few more questions I just don’t have any energy for anyone else poking at me for something.
Releasing a deep breath, I hobble over to the stool behind the counter and sit down. This is gonna be a long day, but I should be getting home semi-early tonight. Maybe I can have a real conversation with Dax. He at least deserves that.
A few hours later, that plan to go home and talk to Dax if he called was thrown out the window.
I decided to hit up the neighborhood bar my father frequented.
I knew the bartender would set me up with a drink or two.
I sipped my drink, watching my phone and for the first Saturday night in a long time, it didn’t ring.
Chugging the rest of my beer, I thought, ‘Maybe he’s finally getting the hint.’