27. Andi
Chapter 27
Andi
T o say the rest of the day was awkward after Griffin and I woke up from our nap would be an understatement. For the last twenty-four hours, he’s been in planning mode. Because Captain Stone is always prepared. Though it makes our last moments together a lot less romantic than I would like.
I want to go to LA. I want to be with Dahlia and record with her.
But I’ve also found my family here, and it’s difficult for me to see how I can have both of these things at the same time. He thinks we’ll be able to make it work, and I hope we do, but how?
Griffin lives here in Pennsylvania, the kids aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, but my work is in California.
My work.
If I can call it that.
Songwriting isn’t work. It’s love.
Like taking care of Logan and Grace. They aren’t work. Loving them isn’t work.
What is work is packing up my whole life again. This time around, there is so much more, including a heavy heart and multiple stolen T-shirts and hoodies. I didn’t ask Griffin if I could take them because I didn’t want to hear him say no. I need a piece of him—as many pieces of him as I can get—back in California.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be away for, however long it takes us to write and record, which will probably be through the summer, and I can’t stand the thought of not seeing him or the kids in all those months.
Especially after Griffin and I broke the news to the kids last night. They took it on the chin, telling me they were happy for me, but I know Gracie was really upset I’d be missing her talent show, and Logan would barely look at me. I keep telling myself that I am being a good example for them. I’m showing them what it is like for a person to go after their goals, but it’s hard not to feel like a phony because, inside, I’m shriveling up.
I’m scared and nervous and sad to leave them.
I never knew a person could feel like they’re moving in ten different directions, but that’s what it’s felt like. I’m being pulled apart.
When it’s time for me to get going, I knock on Logan’s door and wait for him to tell me to come in before I open it. He’s sprawled out in his bed, intently focused on the Switch in his hands.
I sit at the foot of the bed and place my hand on his ankle. “Hey.”
It takes him a minute before he finally looks at me. Frowning, actually. A good impression of his father. “Hi.”
“I’m going to head out.”
He doesn’t react, aside from a tic in his jaw. Exactly like his dad.
“I wanted to tell you that I loved being here with you. I loved spending time with you, and I hope?—”
“Yeah, yeah,” he mutters, shifting away so I’m not touching him anymore. I guess he let his emotions simmer overnight and anger boiled to the top.
“Logan, come on, I’m not leaving forever.”
He huffs, skeptical.
“I’m not. I couldn’t. I love you.”
“So then, why are you leaving?”
“Because I can’t pass up this opportunity. It’s huge for me, and your father and I agreed I should go. I promise I’ll come back.”
He rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I don’t need some big goodbye.”
I’m legitimately shocked by his level of ire. I knew he was upset, but I didn’t expect this angry dismissal. “Logan.” When he doesn’t respond, I try again. “Logan, come on.”
He shakes his head and lowers his chin toward his chest.
My throat clogs with emotion, and I find it difficult to be a mature adult about it. The kid I’ve come to love ignoring me.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “It’s my job.”
He snorts a dubious sound, and the only bright spot in this conversation is that I know this kind of thing is a rite of passage for a parent. I’ll have to learn to roll with the punches I guess.
“I love you, Logan.” I chance a touch, running my hand over the back of his head. He doesn’t move, so I do it one more time, sifting a few of the short brown strands through my fingers. “I hope we’ll talk later.”
He doesn’t answer, and I don’t push it, shutting the door behind me on my way out. I swipe my fingers under my eyes and take a deep breath, but it’s no use.
As soon as I walk into Grace’s room, she starts crying. I do too.
Pulling her into a hug, I attempt to calm her with supportive words. “You can call me anytime, and I’ll answer. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
She looks up at me, her tears spilling over her cheeks, fogging up her glasses. “But you won’t be here .”
I shake my head, and she lets go of me to take off her glasses and dry her eyes. She straightens herself out, wiping the lenses and fixing her ponytail, before looking at me again. “I’m sad you won’t be at my talent show.”
I wipe my own tears away. “I know, honey, and I’m so sorry. But your dad promised to send me the video. I’ll be cheering you on, even if I’m not there in person.”
I open my arms to her again, and she meets me for another hug. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you too,” I say, kissing her head and cheek. “I love you.” Eventually, we pull apart, and I point my finger at her. “No more tricks.”
“No more tricks,” she promises, and when I eye her, she laughs. “I swear!”
We hold hands as we make our way downstairs and outside, to where Griffin is waiting by my car parked at the curb. As if she knows we need time, Grace lets go of my hand so I can speak to her father in private.
He stands with his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched, and I recall how he stood in the same way when we met. But that day, he was curled over from the rain. Today, I know it’s for wholly different reasons.
“So, you all ready?”
“Mm-hmm.”
With his brows furrowed and eyes squinted, he studies me. As if to see if I’m lying.
“Logan’s really mad at me,” I tell him, and he shrugs.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Please remind Gracie to call me anytime. I’m worried about her.”
“She’ll be okay.”
I rest my hands on his chest, scrunching the material of his shirt in my fingers. “What about you?”
“I’ll be okay too.”
Really? Because I’m not sure I will be. I’m not feeling very confident at all, faced with the reality of returning to the place of the highest highs and lowest lows. LA was not particularly good to me, but I would not be the person I am without the lessons I learned about friendship, love, and my worth.
“You’re going to be okay, Andi,” Griffin says, like it’s an order. Like I have no other choice. And it’s sort of easier to think of it that way.
I’ll be okay because I have to be.
“You have your cell phone?” he asks, and I take it out of my pocket to show him.
“Gas?”
“I’ll be filling up before I hit the highway.”
“You know where all your stops are?”
“Yes, I have all the reservations you made.”
Because he would not be Captain Griffin Stone without controlling a trip that wasn’t even his, emailing me the best route to take, along with confirmations of hotel reservations he made for me in Columbus, Kansas City, and Albuquerque.
“So you have everything you need,” he says like he’s pissed about it.
Maybe I am too.
Because I need him.
He braces his hands on my arms, fingers wrapping around my biceps, and draws me to him, mouth on mine. It’s perfunctory, with lots of space between our bodies, practically miles, and before I can even part my lips, he forces me away.
I start to tell him it’s not enough, but he shakes his head, reading my mind. “I can’t, Andi. If I start, I won’t be able to stop.”
He’s right. The longer I stay, the more difficult it will be to leave.
As much as I’m proud of myself and happy to go live my dream, it’s not easy to leave the life I’ve built here, no matter that it’s not forever. It feels like it, when there is still so much left unknown.
Griffin steps away from me and drops his arms to his sides, hands fisting and unfisting in that familiar movement I’ve come to know means he’s agitated.
Because of me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, and he shakes his head.
“You have nothing to apologize for. You’re going to do what you were meant to.”
My eyes sting, and I inhale deeply through my nose, biting my cheek to stanch the flow. If I start crying again, my big softy will have no choice but to hold me for a while, and we’ll have to start all over again.
So before I can get off track, I wave to Grace, blowing her a kiss. I spare a glance up to the windows on the second floor and spy Logan standing at his, so I offer him a wave as well. He pivots away.
Then I smile at Griffin. Never doubt I love . “See you, Captain.”
Never doubt I love. “See you, sweetheart.”
Then I get in my car and drive away from home.
At the end of the block, I glance to the rearview mirror to see the three of them standing in the street watching me, Griffin with his arms around Logan and Grace. As I make the left turn out of the development, I beep a few times, waving out my window.
Never doubt I love.
Then I blast some Janis Joplin and pretend I’m not crying.