9. Jaime
Chapter 9
The next few days went by slowly, and all at once.
Something had happened during their dinner conversation that first night in Jaime’s dining nook. Finn was more distant now than he had been the first day, far more like the professional bodyguard and less the… whatever he had been to Jaime, before.
For a few moments, Jaime had seen glimpses of it—in the way that Finn had hungrily stared at him, in the tenderness of his hand on Jaime’s when he helped him breathe, and told him that he believed him. It had felt like he was saying more; like what he really meant was that he believed in Jaime, believed in his ability to be strong for himself and for Vera, and to speak the truth during the trial without completely falling apart.
But after their conversation over that delicious meal—who knew Shepherd’s Pie could be so good—it seemed that Finn saw just how broken Jaime had become; that he wouldn’t ever be the naive and open-hearted boy from before.
That’s who Finn had wanted.
But now he had Silas. Monstrously proportioned, gorgeous Silas, who in the short stops he made by the house to check on them could make Finn laugh and grumble in a way only born of two souls that deeply understood each other.
In the following days, there weren’t any more moments between them like there had been in the kitchen, when Finn had looked at him with hunger and Jaime’s pulse ratcheted up when he pictured Finn padding around in domestic softness, or when his hair stood on end like he was being watched.
Watched, because when Finn looked at him that way, eyes dark and focused, Jaime couldn’t shake the sense that he would devour him entirely if given the chance.
And all Jaime could think was how divine it would be to be completely overcome by Finn.
It should have been a relief, but really it just made him sad. Another emotion to add to the shame, resentment, bitterness, and emptiness that he’d formed himself around in the last year.
Sad. He was sad that Finn didn’t want him anymore.
He could vividly recall the moment he saw it click for Finn—the moment Jaime felt him recoil and withdraw his hand at his brokenness, weakness, and anxiety over the trial, over his inability to help Vera when she was killed by that man in such a brutal way. Finn must have already seen what it took Sam much longer to realize—that Jaime was a burden to those around him and he shouldn’t get too close lest he become someone Jaime needed.
So, Jaime pulled back too. He let Finn keep his professional distance, and did his best to stay out of the way—especially when Silas stopped by to check on them.
The second day that Finn was staying with him, Silas and two others had come out to help install the cameras and motion detectors. Finn had found him that morning reading on the couch—Jaime had just started a new romance novel—and told him the team would be by in a few minutes to get everything set up.
He’d shuffled in the doorway for a minute, like there was something else he’d wanted to say, so Jaime set his book down to ask if there was anything he needed to do before they arrived.
“No, there’s nothing. It will all be hard-wired in for privacy, so it won’t run on your internet. They will take care of everything. Cameras are going to be set up in the entryway,” Finn pointed at the top corner facing the door, “living area, kitchen, and hallways. All of your doors and windows will be monitored with motion detection and glass-breaking sensors.”
He’d paused then, seemingly waiting for Jaime’s input, so he nodded along. Finn’s voice was different, like he was chewing on his words. Maybe he wore a retainer or something?
“Outside, I’ll have them install enough cameras to capture the full perimeter of the home. Is there anywhere else you’d like us to monitor?”
Jaime shook his head. “No, thank you. That seems like more than enough. Hopefully none of it is necessary.”
Finn nodded again, continuing to stare, and Jaime almost checked to make sure he didn’t have something on his face, but then a knock on the door interrupted them, and Silas and the tech team were there.
It took them all day, but by dinner that evening Finn passed Jaime a tablet across the table, and showed him the various camera angles and features of his new security system. He’d poked around at it a little, but passed it back to Finn without much fuss. He’d said he would take care of monitoring everything while he was here, and that was that.
There hadn’t been any more handholding or tender words over their crispy chicken and pasta that night, or in the following days.
Finn’s voice cut through the quiet, pulling Jaime away from his book. “I need to go and grab a few more changes of clothes from my place in Silver Rapids. I was thinking of running errands, too, and maybe grabbing lunch somewhere?”
They had settled into a routine over the last week, mostly keeping to themselves in-between meals. It was the first thing Finn had said to him that day. Already mid-morning, but still chilly, Jaime had tucked himself in by the gas fireplace to read his fourth romance novel in as many days while Finn tapped away on his laptop in the kitchen.
He was just getting to the part where the hot and grumpy game warden was about to confess his deep and irrevocable love for the new wildlife veterinarian in town.
And then suck his dick.
It had been a slow and angsty buildup and Jaime was very invested in reading—and then re-reading at a later time—the payoff.
He blinked up at Finn, taking a few seconds to process his words. “Oh. Ok, sure. No worries, I’m sure I’ll be fine here until you get back.”
Finn stared, a muscle working in his jaw. He was very good at staring. And making as much noise as possible while clomping through the house at six o’clock in the morning.
Jaime hated how endearing it was.
“No.” Finn cleared his throat, voice rough. He did that quite a lot. Maybe he was allergic to one of Jaime’s house plants?
“Um, I wondered if you would go with me. To Silver Rapids. To lunch. With me? I know it’s chilly, but it’s a beautiful day. It would be nice to get outside for a bit. You should bring your coat, though. Or I have one you could borrow,” Finn finished quickly, shuffling his feet.
Was he blushing?
“Oh.” Jaime had not been expecting that.
The crease appeared between Finn’s eyebrows. That, too, was irritatingly adorable. “Oh?”
“Yes, oh.” Jaime blinked a few times. “I mean, yes, I’ll go with you. If that’s what you want? I figured you needed to get away for a few hours, I understand needing a break.”
Finn was fully frowning at him now. “I don’t need to get away from you, Jaime.”
That stern timber of his voice made Jaime’s stomach swoop and sent a pulse of arousal down the length of his cock. He was wearing his oldest and rattiest pair of sweatpants, and they were so threadbare they were practically see-through. Which was exactly why he needed to rein in his train of thought now, before Finn saw just how affected Jaime was by that stern yet gentle tone.
With that tone, he could tell me to get on my knees like a good boy, feed me his cock, and I’d be the one thanking him afterwards.
He snapped shut the cover of his e-reader, and did his best to casually readjust his plumping cock while he sat up from his very comfortable, ego-destroying couch. Luckily, knowing that Finn was witnessing his struggle with the monstrosity helped settle his erection a little.
“Ok, then. If you don’t want to be by yourself, I’ll join you. Actually, I’ve never been to Silver Rapids, even though it’s only fifteen or so minutes from here. Is that weird?”
Finn made a noncommittal hum. “It’s not really on the tourist scene, it stays pretty quiet. But it’s going to be a nice day, I thought we could go out for a walk. You’ve been cooped up in here for too long.”
Jaime sighed, looking out toward the lupine meadow behind his house, on the cusp of blooming. “Yeah, I think I have. Let me go upstairs and get cleaned up and changed, I can be ready in a few minutes.”
Their arms brushed lightly as he passed by, headed for the stairs, and Finn sucked in a quiet breath, shoulders stiffening.
Oh God, do I smell bad? Is that why he’s always clearing his throat around me? I stink?
He hurried up the stairs and stripped his shirt off, taking a big whiff of the underarms before tossing it in the hamper. It just smelled like deodorant and fabric softener to him—he’d worn clean clothes and showered every day since Finn was there. He couldn’t really smell that bad, could he?
Jaime needed to get out of this house. He was reading way too much into every minute reaction that happened between them.
Speaking of… well, not minute reactions, more like average reactions, thank you very much, Jaime stepped under the hot shower spray and took himself in hand to get rid of the semi he hadn’t quite been able to tame in his flight from the couch.
I read entirely too many romance novels.
He really did read too many romance novels. That was where nearly all of his sexual knowledge and fantasies came from, and had fueled many nights of self-exploration with various toys and dildos—but Jaime’s usual favorite scenes weren’t what he thought of as he stroked himself with a firm, steady hand, thumb catching on the crown of his cock, the tip leaking precum.
No, his imagination was filled with thoughts of Finn using that stern voice on him, telling him to get on his hands and knees on the bed, maybe to stretch out and grab the headboard…
You’re such a good boy for me, Jaime. Fuck, look at you. Are you going to let me inside of you, baby? Are you going to let me open you up with my thick fingers? Huh? Do you want to ride them? That’s it, sit back on them and let me hear how much you fucking love how they feel inside of you…
Jaime’s hand was flying over his cock, squeezing hard as his hips thrust erratically, and he imagined that it was Finn’s calloused fist his length tunneled into, Finn’s arm banded around his middle, pinning him down, holding him tight as he made Jaime take all of him…
He came with a gasp, eyes flying open wide, his forearm braced on the shower wall trembling with his climax. Jaime painted the tile with his cum, and watched it slide down along with the hot water dripping from his hair and off the tip of his nose, forehead resting against his arm.
Fucking hell. He’d never come that hard or fast in his life. None of his tried and true spank bank favorites could do what imagining Finn’s voice had done. If that’s how he reacted to just his imagination of Finn, what would the real thing be like?
Hastily washing his hair and scrubbing himself down with body wash, Jaime finished the rest of his shower quickly. He sped through his routine on rote memory, still in a daze from the explosive orgasm he’d just had, and threw on a pair of his nicer jeans and a long-sleeve henley.
He hadn’t worn these jeans in a long time—definitely not since everything had happened last year. Turning in the mirror for a quick once-over, he noticed they still made his butt look good.
Would Finn look at his perky ass in these jeans?
Fuck, it’s going to be a long day.
Jaime stood in Finn’s living room, taking in the scarce furniture and even scarcer wall decor.
Finn and Silas’s living room, he grumbled.
The giant wasn’t there with them, but it was obvious the two men lived together. However, it wasn’t the love nest he would have assumed it would be.
For one, he thought there’d be more pictures of them together. Or, well, just them. There were pictures that they were both in, but most of them were with two other men. One he vaguely recognized as Cameron Sheppard, head of the security team, but the other he hadn’t ever seen before. The only other pictures of Silas and Finn together were of them as young men, an arm slung over each other’s shoulder and outfitted in full military gear, and one where they appeared to be barely into high school, all knobby knees and lanky limbs.
He was secretly pleased to see that even Silas went through an awkward legs-too-long and feet-too-big phase.
Other than the pictures, the living area was relatively bare, with only a television and couch, separated by a plain coffee table. It certainly was not the same as his own cluttered style.
Hearing Finn tromping back downstairs from where he’d disappeared to a few minutes ago, Jaime hastily stepped away from the pictures he’d been snooping on, but Finn tipped up a smile and gestured to the picture of the four of them. “That was taken almost ten years ago, I think. Before one of our missions.”
Jaime nodded. “I remember you said you were in the military, before moving to Silver Rapids.”
“It’s how I met Sheppard and Renner. After we got out, Sheppard started the security firm and Silas and I jumped on the chance. It was hard adjusting to… well, after.” His smile faded, but his face and voice remained soft. “I think you understand that. Having an after.”
Jaime nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from Finn’s. “So the three of you work together; what about Renner?”
Finn didn’t look away from him, but his face did some sort of crumpling thing, folding inwards. “He didn’t make it out of our last mission. We were discharged immediately after he was killed.” He did look away from Jaime then. “Si and I weren’t well, for a long time after. We were in therapy for months. I still exchange messages with a therapist, and make appointments when I think it will help.”
Jaime found himself striding across the room toward him. “Finn.” He reached out but caught himself, letting his hand fall. “I’m sorry.”
Finn stared at the hand he’d let fall, and then he reached out and took it, thumb rubbing across his knuckles like they had that very first day outside of his house, when Finn pulled Jaime back into himself.
They shouldn’t be doing this, standing in the house he shared with Silas and holding hands, but Jaime couldn’t help but squeeze back.
“We don’t talk about Renner, really.” Finn heaved a sigh, and looked back up, brown eyes soft. “Maybe someday, I’ll tell you more about him. About who we all were, together as a team. But I wanted to tell you this, now, so that you’d know that I have an after too, Jaime. And it’s terrible and overwhelming and draining and unfair. But there is also an after the after. And you’re not alone. I know things aren’t right with your brother, but that doesn’t mean you’re a burden, or weak, or too much. Not for me. Not for us. You’re strong enough on your own—you’ve proved that over and over already by surviving and getting here. But you can lean on us, too. We aren’t going anywhere.”
Jaime didn’t know what to say. Not about any of it. Finn had lost a friend; he knew what Jaime was feeling—what he had gone through, was still going through. Their circumstances weren’t the same, but he could see the pain in Finn’s eyes, now, and recognized it for what it was.
Grief. Shame.
His own pooled around him, but not in the familiar, tight, constricting way that made it difficult to breathe. No, it was like his mess saw Finn’s, and wanted to soothe it, and thus, was soothed.
A beast taming a beast. Seeing and being seen.
He squeezed Finn’s hand again. “Take me to lunch?”
Finn smiled, real and full, and Jaime thought it looked like the sun. “I know a spot.”