CHANGE OF PLANS #2
For a moment my mind blanks. I have honestly not been able to imagine what it would be like to have sex with Viktor.
My fantasies are limited to kissing and what his bare chest looks like.
Even there, I had the advantage of a dressing room photo from last season where he is wearing only hockey pants and sandals.
Let’s just say that Viktor’s chest is incredible: broad, muscular, well-defined—in short, the body I wish I could have seen for my first bare male chest.
His expression isn’t suggestive but his words are. I’m caught between anticipation and fear.
I try to swallow. In all fairness, I should warn you that I’m trained in self-defence. It’s hard to believe I’ve also been trained in flirting. I forget everything as soon as I’m in Viktor’s presence.
He chuckles, like a lion threatened by a kitten. And I should let you know that I’m very big on consent.
How does Viktor make asking permission sound like foreplay? The lump in my throat remains.
He turns onto an even darker road and up a hill, then he pulls into a rough parking lot. We can see Lake Superior from here, mainly moonlit waves, but also the twinkling lights of a distant city.
What a lovely view, I exclaim. Are we getting out?
Viktor shakes his head. There’s a trail, but it’s too dark to take it. I come here sometimes when I need to think.
The sight of water is calming. Did you grow up by the ocean?
He shakes his head. Far from it. Edmonton, Alberta.
Belatedly, I remember that he’s Canadian.
It feels wrong to know things about a person that they haven’t told you, but given our odd beginning it’s unavoidable.
Besides, Viktor is famous on campus; everyone knows about him.
He’s praised in the college newspaper and social media channels, and there are rumours that he’ll play pro hockey after graduation.
Yet here I am, a freshman nobody, alone in his car with him.
Viktor unfastens his seat belt and faces me fully. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
Hope surges up in me. I undo my seat belt too and twist around so we’re facing each other.
Me too, I confess. But his tensed face means he’s not happy about this development.
He reaches a hand towards me, but then draws it back. I’ve fought this so long, but when I saw you tonight with that guy, it felt wrong. And I broke.
Why is it wrong? The two of us together, I mean. It seems like a good idea to me.
It’s because you’re so…undefinable.
I wait. He’s going to have to explain that.
He pushes a hand through his hair, rendering it briefly tousled before the layers fall back into place.
The woman I met in the library—who tried to remove my ability to procreate—was studious and completely uninterested in me. I was almost insulted. His eyebrow rises at the memory. But when I saw you at those parties, you were assertive and flirtatious. So, who is the real Evie Smith?
Oh. I pull my knees up and wrap my hands around them, gathering my thoughts.
Without all the warring advice in my head, it’s a lot easier.
I was home-schooled my whole life. So Monarch is a chance for me to put my dreams into practice.
I’ve been pushing myself to try new things, like dressing up and talking to guys.
Then I let out a big sigh. But to answer your question, the person from the library is closer to the real me.
He pushes his seat back, extending his long legs and stretching his arms. So, the one who’s not interested in me?
I bite back a smile. Well, that might have changed.
And who are you? I ask, thinking about his warring kindness and rudeness.
Viktor ignores my question. That blond guy isn’t your boyfriend, is he?
It takes me a moment to even know who he’s talking about.
Kyle? My incredulous tone is answer enough. Alpha Zeta Mu encourages us to mix with our brother fraternity.
You’re an Alpha Z now? He sounds surprised.
Uh, yeah. I look away from his too-perceptive gaze. If only I could explain about the Revenge Squad, that would alleviate all his concerns about my Jekyll and Hyde personality. But that might get me booted out of both the sorority and this car. Viktor strikes me as a very principled person.
When his expression clears, I belatedly realize that he was jealous. My hopes bubble even higher.
I’m not a relationship guy. I date women casually and not for very long. He stares at me, the heat is back in his gaze. I watch his throat ripple as he swallows deeply. I don’t want to hurt you, Evie.
Shouldn’t it be my choice? If I understand the risks and still want to try, then whatever happens is on me.
How can you know the risks? I’m almost certain you have the dating experience of a cloistered nun, he replies.
True, but that’s my strength. I don’t have conventional expectations about relationships. Viktor is telling me his truth. Popular, confident women believe that they can change him. Whereas I accept that I don’t have the power to change any man, especially this one.
I believe what you’re telling me. Maybe I will get hurt. But I still want to go out with you.
Viktor’s eyes search my face to see if I’m telling the truth.
Why? is all he asks, that one word twisted with hope and uncertainty.
This is easy to answer. Because when I’m with you, I feel things that I’ve never felt with anyone else. I want to kiss you and touch you and… My voice trails off since that’s as far as my imaginings have gone.
Still, he holds back. I’m beginning to wonder if Viktor likes torturing himself. I reach out and pull on the collar of his soft wool coat, bringing him closer. I can feel the heat of his breath.
Sometimes, the prey walks right into the claws, I murmur.
He traps my hands against his chest. His voice is granite cold as he asks, Where did you learn that saying?
I…can’t remember. Most of my sayings are Russian, overheard and translated. Perhaps they remind Viktor of something he has heard in his family.
Evie, where did you live before?
All over the place, I hedge, but I can’t keep lying to him or this will be over. Eastern Europe mainly.
His brown eyes narrow. In Russia?
I wince. Sometimes.
He lets go of my hands like they are scalding hot, and I fall back into my seat. That explains your language skills. You have Russian ancestry?
No! I’m American. I’ve just lived there. I’m not fluent in anything, but I have a smattering of many languages.
He rests his forehead on his hand and looks out the side window. Why is everything so difficult with you?
Now he’s making me angry. We’re here, and we’re alone. But instead of kissing me as I want, he’s turning this into a whole angsty drama.
Because you’re making it difficult. It’s like you’re looking for reasons for us not to get together.
Yes, I’ve lived in Russia, and I understand why you—as a Ukrainian—might not like that.
But you shouldn’t stereotype people. Even if I were Russian, many Russians are against the war and want it to be over. You have to get to know me first.
He stares at me, expressionless, so I go on. There are lots of other things you could hold against me. I’m socially awkward, and I don’t have the same cultural references as everyone here. And you’re right, I don’t have a lot of experience with dating or men.
He’s still watching me, now with a slight smile. Is he laughing at me?
Are you not going to say anything? I demand.
Viktor leans his head against his seat, definitely smiling now. I kind of hate him.
How little experience with men?
His only question and he’s making fun of me.
I let out a frustrated puff of breath. Almost none. Yes, I’m way out of my depth with you. Happy now? Can we go back to campus?
The silence between us is almost palpable in the cooling car. Then Viktor leans closer. Close enough to see the amber glint of the irises in his brown eyes. While I’m not a relationship guy, I do enjoy the company of interesting…beautiful women.
Is he taunting me now? This is what I do while inexperienced women like you stay at home, Evie.
Why are you telling me this? I ask sulkily.
I’m wondering if that interests you. The two of us spending time together?
And my seesaw of hope tips up again.
It might, I admit.
Good. Maybe we should get the formalities out of the way. I’m fully healthy, sexually. And I can show you proof, if you like.
Me too, I say, thinking of the test results that the hospital sent me.
Viktor shakes his head. What a shock. Are you a virgin, Evie?
I am, I admit in a small voice. I’m almost certain that this fact will not appeal to him.
And sure enough, he sighs.
Are you sure you want this? He motions between us.
Yes. I’m not going to keep explaining myself, but Viktor is my dream man, no matter how little time I’ll have with him.
Well, then you should think about birth control, he suggests.
There’s an odd dissonance as Mia’s words come back to me. He won’t have sex with anyone who’s not on birth control.
I’m already on it, I reply.
Again he tilts his head and stares. Really? So, you came to Monarch planning to lose your V-card?
I have to guess what this means, but it’s not difficult. Not really. It’s more that I have an overprotective father.
Before I came here, I imagined sex in only the haziest, most theoretical way. Then I met Viktor and experienced real desire.
Finally, he reaches out and takes my hand in his warm one. I turn back to face him. Even in the dim light, he’s impossibly handsome.
May I kiss you, beautiful Evie?