The Evie Smith Fan Club
VIKTOR
I brace myself for all the recriminations on how I treated Evie and what a shit I am.
As if I need any reminders when all I can see is her miserable face.
I wanted to hurt her, but I had no idea how much that would hurt me.
Instead of feeling vindicated, I feel even worse, heaping guilt and pain onto the anger of betrayal.
So taking some shit from the guys will be my penance.
If there’s one thing I enjoy lately, it’s punishing myself.
I’m more of a masochist than any of my sexual partners would ever suspect.
Coty groans. He’s wearing sunglasses even though the day is dreary and grey. Whose idea was it to have a party the night before we had to catch early flights home?
Yours, idiot, I point out.
Easy for you to say. You crashed early. Coty grabs his travel mug and gulps down more coffee.
Sinc is driving and looks in the rearview mirror at me. How’s your headache, Zee?
My what? I ask.
Your headache. Evie said you went to bed early.
When did you talk to her? I tracked Evie from the moment she walked in the door. She spoke to Rosie and then came straight to my side. I can still feel her soft body leaning into mine, like a goddamn phantom limb. And yes, I went straight to bed, but how would Evie have known that?
Not sure. Just before she left, I think, Sinc replies.
How did she look? I can’t believe this. How did Evie go from my bedroom to making casual party conversation? She was devastated. Or is this just further proof of what a con artist she is?
Um, like always? Pretty? Sinc answers in confusion.
Mats sees through my bullshit questions. He turns around to face me. Is everything okay with you?
We broke up last night. I’m angry that I have to explain this when I assumed that they’d all know.
Evie dumped you? No way. She worships the ice you skate on, something I have trouble understanding, scoffs Coty.
Of course not. I broke up with her, I reply. Isn’t that my modus operandi? I get out before I can get hurt…until now.
Why? Coty asks. She was the first one who tolerated you for more than a month.
I shrug. There’s no way I’m explaining what happened.
I’m sorry to hear that. You guys seemed to be really happy, Mats says.
We were. But that’s the problem: whenever I relax, I get fucked. It’s better to expect nothing, that way I’ll never be disappointed.
Even last night, things didn’t go the way I’d originally planned. I figured that we’d break up, and I’d go back to the party and hook up with someone new. Monica or whatever her name was. After all, hadn’t I told Evie how easily replaceable she was?
But I should have known that things would be different with Evie.
When I was alone with her, I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her one last time.
And when I broke up with her, she was supposed to get upset and leave.
Not keep arguing with me, and telling me what a great guy I am and how much she cares for me.
And she certainly wasn’t supposed to tell me she loves me.
When I close my eyes all I can see is her face, covered in tears. But she’s so resilient. She kept trying to save us, so I had to escalate my arguments and insults until she finally left.
Once I was alone, I was filled with loathing for the things I said. Things I never believed. Maybe part of me was hoping that Evie would deny everything. That she was as innocent as I believed she was. But once she admitted her guilt, I didn’t need more proof.
Coty starts to say something else, but Mats shakes his head. Instead, the guys leave me to stew in my own unhappy thoughts, Sinc starts talking about how the Sharks are doing, and Coty takes a nap.
Once we’re at the airport, Sinc and Coty rush to catch their flights, but Mats and I have almost two hours to kill. We’re on the same flight to Edmonton, but his connects through to Vancouver.
Want to go to the premium lounge? I have an extra pass, Mats offers.
I show him my own membership, and he smiles. We head into the premium lounge where it’s mainly businessmen. We help ourselves from the breakfast buffet and settle into a corner table with plush club seats.
Mats has a sip of his cappuccino. Mmm. I think even Coty would approve.
I nod. Our team is like an extended family who know each other’s habits and foibles. I’ll miss everyone when we graduate. Moments like this will seem like paradise when I’m in Ukraine.
At first, we eat and chat aimlessly about our plans when we get home.
Enjoy tropical Vancouver. I’m probably the only person headed for a place colder than Minnesota, I say.
Mats chuckles, but then his smile fades. Look, if you want to talk about anything, I’m here. Or you can call me anytime.
I didn’t want to tell the guys what happened. The whole thing is straight out of a bad movie. But on the other hand, I’m a ticking time bomb, and I certainly don’t want to detonate at home. My family has enough worries without adding my petty ones.
So I tell him about Angelica and the whole ridiculous revenge scheme. The only part I leave out is how I treated Evie last night. The more perspective I get, the worse I feel about how I behaved.
Fuck. That is totally insane. I guess it’s true that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Mats shakes his head in disgust. Belatedly, I remember how Lana, his ex-girlfriend, tried to get with me two days after they broke up. As if I’d do that to a friend.
What did Evie say about everything? he asks.
She admitted it. Once again, her face appears before me, anguished and apologetic. I blink it away.
Did she have any explanations?
What do I need to know besides the fact that she lied to me and pretended to be someone that she’s not? I demand.
He holds up his hands. Whoa, I’m on your side. What those women tried to do to you is sick and twisted. Shit like that could make anyone lose their faith in human nature. He stares absentmindedly at the backlit bar. You know I broke up with Cleo once, and we almost didn’t get back together.
Really? Mats is like me, someone who seldom shares his relationship drama.
Yeah. She lied about settling things with her brother.
Cleo’s younger brother was a racist piece of shit who got cut from our team and later tried to fuck up the reputation of the Monarch hockey program. Did she have a good excuse for lying?
He half-smiles. Honestly, not really. I mean, she had a lot of family issues that she needed to deal with, but I was acting all rigid and principled, so I refused to hear her out. Eventually I realized that being right isn’t an excuse for being an asshole.
He goes on. It’s almost too easy to date someone new. You can pick up your phone and find hundreds of women on dating apps. At Monarch, all you have to do is breathe and play hockey.
I snort. Too true.
What’s hard is actually working on a relationship. Like having a big blowout argument. I hate fighting, but I should have called out Cleo for lying and then we could have worked through it. There were other ways to solve our issue, but I went nuclear right away.
His eyes meet mine. And for a while, I wasn’t even sure if she’d let me back in. I’d deserted her at her very lowest time, and she couldn’t trust me anymore. I’m lucky that she gave me a second chance.
Then he smiles. We still argue, but mainly about stupid shit. Sure, Cleo is a lot, but she makes me laugh so much. And our good times far outweigh the bad. I’m not perfect, so why should our relationship be?
So, you’re telling me I shouldn’t have been so quick to dump Evie, even after hearing what she did? I ask.
Mats frowns. I don’t know enough about your relationship to pass judgement. But I’ve noticed this calmness in you lately. You’ve been pretty stressed this year, so it was nice to see you…I don’t know, relaxing and enjoying yourself.
I can’t be with someone who lied her way into my life, I state.
He leans back in his club chair. You probably don’t remember, but we had this discussion before. Whether people can become better, or if they’re stuck with their essential nature.
I vaguely remember something, but not the context. What did we decide?
He laughs. We decided that Cleo’s brother was a dirtbag who would never change. But there are some people who can work on themselves and get better. Which type is Evie? Is she essentially a liar, or was this a one-time incident?
Maybe what hurt the most was getting fooled by someone who seemed so authentic.
Finding out that we were so well-suited only because she was pretending.
But was she devious enough to fake things for all that time?
She claimed that everything was real between us.
Her voice keeps echoing in my brain. I’m in love with you, Viktor.
I tramp down those hopes before they can sprout and force myself to recall all my insults and disdain, like chemical warfare designed to poison everything between us.
It doesn’t matter now. I broke up with her so thoroughly that she’d probably spit on me if we run into each other again.
Well, you do like to do things well. After a few minutes, he rises. I’m going to get another coffee. You want one?
I shake my head. I want some time in my own head. Talking to Mats both makes me feel better and worse. I prefer feeling completely justified in what I did, but maybe I need to reexamine that.
On the plane, Mats and I are in different rows. But that’s okay since both of us intend to nap away the three hours.
When I awaken, I check my watch. Another twenty minutes until we land. I can see the flat, white landscape below with only a few twinkling cities visible.
My father will be waiting at the airport to pick me up, even though I told him I can find my own way home.
I close my eyes, and my Christmas vacation unspools before me.
My mother, trying to be brave and cheerful but not fooling any of us.
My father, pretending nothing is wrong, even as he hires fixers and badgers politicians and government agencies.
A crowded Christmas celebration filled with friends and family, everyone acting merry.
But all that celebration can never hide the place at the table where my pessimistic brother should be sitting, making sarcastic comments and bitching about some minor issue.
What I wouldn’t give to hear his complaints again.
I can even predict what they’ll say when I tell them I want to go to Ukraine after graduation. My mother will protest that she doesn’t want to lose another son. My father will be disappointed that I’m not pursuing hockey further. But I’m an adult now and I need to do something.
If only there was an alternative universe, one where Marko picks me up at the airport as usual, swearing about the price of parking.
One where I get to tell my dad that my hockey career still has life, and all I need to do is impress at a development camp.
One where I go home and tell my parents about my new girlfriend, who speaks some Ukrainian and knows how to make varenyky.
My mother would be thrilled to see me settle down.
I can even imagine bringing Evie home and watching her charm my family with her old-fashioned manners and razor intellect.
Finally found someone smarter than you, eh, Vitya? my father would joke.
Why am I even thinking about Evie? Our breakup is final and irreversible. I’m not someone who looks back in regret.
Maybe it’s the talk I had with Mats. He’s right—instead of breaking up, we should have talked, argued, yelled. Maybe we would have broken up anyway, but at least I would have found out why she did it and why she lied for so long. None of that matters except to make me feel less of a fool.
But breaking up seems to be my only option for any relationship conflicts.
I rise and grab my toiletries bag from my suitcase in the overhead bin so I can brush my teeth and comb my hair before disembarking.
Once inside the cramped airplane washroom, I unzip my bag.
When I pull out my comb, a tiny gift-wrapped bundle is dislodged.
I turn it over, but there’s no tag or card.
I untie the ribbon and pull away the Christmas wrap.
Inside is a sunflower made of yellow velvet with intricately embroidered petals.
The middle has amber glass beads where the seeds would be, except in the very centre there’s a tiny blue heart.
I turn it over to find no pins or clips to make it functional.
I crush the sunflower in my hand, feeling the softness of the fabric and the prickle of the beads. There’s a tightness in my chest, and I can’t breathe.
Her gift is like a poem. She’s given me something completely useless in the way art often is. Useless except for the meaning I read into it: the national flower of my homeland, the yellow and blue of the Ukrainian flag, and a heart representing hope. Hope for Marko.
And of course, everything about the sunflower reminds me of Evie: the velvet she wears, the crafting she loves, the consideration of her gifts.
I open my palm and the flower unfurls into shape: resilient and unbroken.
When did she put this in here? Was it when we were still together? No, it must have been last night after I kicked her out of my room.
I treat Evie like shit, and this is how she repays me—with love and empathy.