11. Josh
ELEVEN
JOSH
I breathed a sigh of relief as the trail ride ended.
I couldn’t believe that I managed a full thirty minutes with Zoe’s ass rubbing against my crotch without getting hard.
The number of not sexy things I was thinking about was staggering.
I swung my leg over Indigo, who’d also been a complete gentleman and had kept his gait at a meander, and hit the ground feeling grateful that I hadn’t embarrassed myself.
Sugar was bringing up the rear, looking happy to be home and off duty.
“Okay, let me help you down. He’s a lot taller than Sugar.” I reached my hand up to take Zoe’s.
“Yeah, you’re not kidding,” she said, her eyes going wide. “But I did it! I rode Indigo!”
The excitement in her voice was adorable, and for a moment, it felt like old times, when the two of us used to meet the world with a mutual sense of adventure.
She took my hand and it was cold enough to send a shock wave through me.
Despite her exhilaration now that it was over, I knew she’d been nervous during the ride home and the only way I could think of to keep her fears from escalating was not to say anything.
When Zoe landed on the ground and looked up at me with her adorably proud expression, I lost my head for a second.
Suddenly we were two teens again, full of fiery emotions we couldn’t control.
It was as if I forgot myself, and before I could even think about what I was doing, I leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss, just the barest hint of my lips on hers before pulling back like she’d scorched me.
What the hell was I thinking? I couldn’t deny how amazing it felt to kiss Zoe again, but I’d sprung it on her without any sort of warning—or any indication from her that it was welcome.
Zoe’s eyes went wide as her hand flew to her mouth, and I realized that I needed to come up with the right way to apologize for what I’d done. Fast.
Just as I started to stutter out an excuse, my phone pinged in my pocket, likely because we were finally within range again.
The rapid-fire voicemail and text notifications rolling in set off a primal response that made my stomach lurch.
Something must be wrong. Very wrong. The last time I’d been hit by a string of notifications was when my parents’ plane went down.
I hated being reminded of the awful day.
“I, uh, I better see what’s up,” I said as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Zoe nodded wordlessly, still looking as if she was in shock over what had just happened between us.
I scanned the texts first. Three from my youngest sister, Fiona. First, “Can you talk now?” then “Where are you?” then “Calling you now.” My heartbeat kicked up, and I felt a cold sweat break out on my brow. I’d missed two calls from her.
I started pacing, hoping that a few minutes of movement would help to vent the swirl of stress racing around in my stomach. I was afraid to find out what had happened.
“What’s wrong?” Zoe asked. “Everything okay?”
“Fiona texted and called me a bunch of times. I’m not sure what’s going on.”
I swallowed hard and took a few steps away from Zoe to listen to the voicemails. The first was just a hang-up from Fiona, the second one started with a frustrated sigh. My heart was in my throat as I waited for her to start speaking.
“Josh,” Fiona said in the message. “Where are you? I’m at car dealership, and I think I talked the sales guy down to a really good price on a used Murano, but I wanted your opinion. I don’t know what to do. Call me back as soon as you get this!”
I disconnected and let out a shaky breath. Leave it to my sister to turn a car buying event into an emergency.
“Hey, what happened?” Zoe asked, walking over to where I was standing. She looked as worried as I’d been feeling.
I finally lifted my head to meet her eyes, and she immediately moved closer to me, as if I’d already spoken my fears out loud. “Nothing, thank God. It was just typical Fiona. She’s buying a car and wanted my opinion. She’s so damn impatient.”
“Then why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”
“I said it’s nothing,” I lied, looking back down at my boots. “I’m fine.”
Zoe furrowed her brow at me, and the look made it clear that she wanted me to go deeper. She’d never been the kind of person to let me slide when it came to talking about how I felt .
I cleared my throat and crossed both arms over my chest. “That, uh, that scenario with all of the calls and texts just now reminded me of what happened with my parents. It was almost exactly like that. I was unreachable for a while and when I finally got my messages, I found out what had happened. So now I’m gun-shy when I get a bunch of notifications in a row. ”
“Oh Josh, I’m so sorry…” She trailed off and placed her hand on my forearm. The feeling of her soft hand on my skin gave me a little comfort.
“Yeah.” I straightened up and shrugged. “Maybe I’m not as okay about everything as I act. I tend to jump to the worst-case scenario, you know? I can usually power through stuff like that, but for whatever reason, it really hit me this time.”
“Hey, you shouldn’t power through it,” Zoe said in a soft voice. “Burying those feelings might be okay for now, but it won’t help you in the long run. That stuff can really take root and mess with your head. I should know. I got thrown by Jude, and now I have a bona fide fear of horses.”
I frowned at her and started to say something, but she shook her head to stop me.
“No, this isn’t about me right now; we can talk about my stuff another time. Your parents’ accident was only a few years ago, and it’s no surprise that it still holds a tender place in your heart. You shouldn’t have to tough it out, Josh.”
“Yeah, but I’m the head of the family now,” I replied in a rush. “Shannon and Fiona depend on me. Hell, the whole place depends on me. I have no choice but to tough it out and not complain.”
The weight of my responsibilities pressed down on me, causing my shoulders to tense under the stress of it all .
“Josh…I’m so sorry. You’re handling so much.
” Zoe paused and seemed to consider her next words carefully.
“What you’re dealing with is personal, so you don’t have to talk to me about how you’re feeling if you’d rather not.
But I think you should talk to someone .
It’s not healthy to carry around that kind of stress, you know?
It’ll eat away at you. Literally, it’s bad for your immune system. You’ll wind up sick.”
I nodded wordlessly.
“I’m serious,” she said, stepping closer so I had no choice but to look at her. “Will you think about maybe talking to someone?”
“I’ll think about it,” I replied, trying not to get frustrated with her pushiness.
Zoe had always been quick to give her opinion when we were younger, whether the person on the receiving end wanted it or not.
It had led to more than a few uncomfortable conversations, but I’d always appreciated her forthrightness.
It was a part of what made Zoe, Zoe, and even if it was too much for most people, it was a personality trait I’d grown to appreciate.
And her lack of filter had saved me from the uncomfortable conversation about why I’d kissed her, and what it meant.
Because I wasn’t sure myself.
What I did know was that I very much wanted to do it again.