Chapter 5 #2
Her words affected both of them and heightened their mutual sense of guilt, plunging them into their own thoughts, the lapse in conversation causing a silence broken only by the sound of the horses’ hoofs and the wheels of the carriage.
“True,” he spoke at last. “Some of us are stubborn and arrogant enough to need a painful awakening before admitting the error.”
“I hope that statement is meant for both of us, Mr Darcy, as I recognise myself in it. I needed a long letter to open my eyes to the truth.”
He gazed at her, and the tension suddenly increased between them, dimming the brightness of a most beautiful day.
The feeling that she owed him apologies and explanations became even more overwhelming.
She breathed deeply, gathering her courage.
She had to speak her mind, and it might be the only opportunity for a private discussion.
“Mr Darcy, I beg your forgiveness for bringing up a most disturbing matter. But I can go no longer without thanking you for your generosity and amiability, which I know is much more than I deserve. I must apologise, although I know my past words cannot be either forgotten or forgiven. I know I do not deserve to be welcomed at Pemberley, and I am very sorry if my presence has troubled your serenity. My gratitude for your kindness towards my uncle, my aunt, and myself is beyond words.”
She spoke with her eyes lowered, ignoring the beauty around her and trying to disguise the tears of shame that were moistening her eyes.
“Miss Bennet,” she heard his voice interrupting her mortifying tirade. He paused, so she turned her eyes up to him, meeting his stare, which was darkened by the intent to dispel any misunderstanding.
“Miss Bennet, please know that no other guest has ever been more warmly welcomed at Pemberley, and nobody’s presence has brought me more pleasure.”
His admission stunned her almost as much as his declaration of love at Hunsford had, and she met it with almost as much doubt. But, unlike that dreadful day, she found no strength and no words to respond or argue except a shy, “Thank you.”
“It is I who does not deserve the bestowal of your presence, and I beg your forgiveness for my prideful and arrogant past behaviour. The way I expressed myself through words and actions was appalling and deserves no excuse.”
“You are too severe on yourself, Mr Darcy, and much too generous with me. If you were wrong, so was I, and if you acted with pride and arrogance, I acted with spite and prejudice. Neither of us is flawless, and apologies are required on both sides.”
“Shall we argue for who bears the largest share of the blame, Miss Bennet?”
“No, sir. But I shall not allow you to take most of the fault upon yourself. Besides, you have already remedied most of your errors by confessing the truth to Mr Bingley and in your generosity towards my uncle and aunt.”
“You too showed generosity and kindness to my sister, Georgiana.”
“Perhaps, but it is not the same thing! Miss Darcy is a wonderful young lady, and her company is a delight. And we happened upon her, we disturbed her and you, we were the intruders. So we at least had to behave well enough to compensate for the favour you have granted us.”
“So, you have been kind to my sister because I have been kind to your uncle and aunt?” he enquired half mocking, with a little bitter smile.
“Oh no, that is not what I meant! I admire her, and I like her very much. She is truly admirable, and anyone would be delighted and honoured by her company!”
“I could say the same about the Gardiners, whom I offended with my attitude long before I even met them. Fortunately, we both have fine relatives whose company we enjoy and who do not resemble us in flaws.”
There was a trace of a smile in the corner of his mouth, and she tried to calm herself.
“Are you teasing me, Mr Darcy?”
“I believe I am, Miss Bennet. But teasing or not, I am being completely honest in my statements.”
“I do not doubt you, sir. I already know that you abhor disguise of any sort.”
The mere words brought back the recollections of that night at Hunsford, and awkward, painful silence wrapped them anew.
“I am very sorry,” Elizabeth whispered, berating herself for the ill-timed and ill-worded quip. “I deeply apologise,” she repeated.
“Miss Bennet, why do you repeat that? What are you sorry for? What are you apologising for?” he asked directly, catching her unprepared. She had no other option but to state the blunt truth.
“I am sorry for the unfair accusations and offences I threw at you. I am sorry for trusting Mr Wickham, like a complete fool blinded by prejudice. I am sorry for not being worthy of your trust and good opinion, believing his claims without the shadow of a doubt, like a simpleton,” she admitted with emotion.
“Wickham has always been proficient in deceiving people. And he has been blessed with a pleasant figure and manners, with an appearance of goodness that helps him win friends quickly and the favour of ladies easily. There have been many others — men and women, and as you know even within my own family — who fell for his claims as readily as you did.”
“Yes, but you see, sir, my stupidity was even greater, as I did not believe him because I was charmed by him but because I was prejudiced against you. I thought you despised me and my family and disapproved of my sister Jane enough to conspire with Mr Bingley’s sisters against her.
Therefore, I chose to believe the first person to support my ill opinion of you.
And that day at Hunsford, I did not necessarily speak in his defence, but mostly against you. ”
His face was the image of remorse and grief, and she regretted starting the conversation that threatened to ruin her time at Pemberley.
“I must apologise further for bringing forth the remembrance of the past. Especially of that day at the parsonage. I am a very selfish and inconsiderate creature, indeed.”
“It was not you who brought up the recollections, Miss Bennet. I have recalled that day only too often since last April. And every time I reproach myself for allowing it to happen. Were I not so arrogant, so wrong in my judgment, so presumptuous in my estimation, I would have never proposed that day and would not have forced you to listen to something that disgusted you so much and that you so harshly and rightfully rejected.”
“I was equally wrong in my judgment and presumptuous in my estimation,” she said. “And I am not certain whether I wish for the day to have never happened or not. But I know I regret most of what I said.”
He stopped the carriage, lowered the reins, and turned to better look at her. His gaze burned her face, and she lifted her eyes to look into his.
“You regret what you said that day?” he whispered. “You mean...?”
“I do not regret refusing you, Mr Darcy,” Elizabeth hastened to make herself understood.
“My feelings at that time were not of such a nature to justify an acceptance. Had I accepted your marriage proposal that day, I would have done it for the wrong reasons, and it would have been unfair to you. And now, after I have discovered your true character and your worthiness, I congratulate myself even more for having the strength to refuse a man like you. We were on unequal ground that day, not in regard to our situations in life but in our feelings. The rejection itself was proof of consideration for you and for myself. We, both of us, deserve better. The way I voiced my refusal and the reason that drove me to it were dreadful indeed, and that is what I regret.”
He continued to stare at her from the short distance allowed by the carriage.
“I see…I never thought of it that way because I never expected a rejection, nor did I imagine it would be so hurtful. But now I am more convinced it was my fault alone. My behaviour led you to have an ill opinion of me and to trust Wickham. And the way I expressed myself during the proposal drove you to reject it and me the way you did.”
“Mr Darcy, let us not argue about the share of blame again. Let us be grateful that we had the chance to speak openly and honestly. This conversation has been so valuable to me!”
“Yes…to me too…but, Miss Bennet, I noticed you spoke only about the past. Am I wrong?”
“You are not wrong, sir.”
“Then…dare I assume your opinion has changed?”
“Very much, sir. Everything I felt and said that day remains in the past. The present is…more than I hoped and imagined a few months ago.”
“I am very glad to hear that, Miss Bennet. Just as glad as I am of your presence at Pemberley. We are in complete agreement. This is much more than I hoped and imagined a few months ago.”
He smiled, and her heart warmed while she replied, “I am delighted to be in complete agreement with you, Mr Darcy.”
His smile widened, and he took her gloved hand, bringing it to his lips for a moment.
“We should continue our drive — Georgiana must be already home. But there is one more thing I must confess to you, Miss Bennet.”
“What would that be, Mr Darcy?”
“I had no particular business in Lambton today…except visiting you and trying to convince you to come to Pemberley. I have been thinking of this little scheme since you left yesterday.”
Her face coloured becomingly, and her smile matched his.
“I confess I suspected that, sir. In fact, I hoped it would be the case…”
“Good…good…now let us go home,” he said, his words more meaningful than even he realised.
Minutes later, the carriage stopped in front of the main entrance. Miss Darcy was walking from the stables towards the house, and from a window on the upper floor, Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst were glaring at them.