Chapter 29
Midnight Rendezvous
Olivia
How are you supposed to sleep knowing that in less than twenty-four hours, you and the people you care about could die? Because I don’t have a fucking clue.
I lie in my sleeping bag, staring at the ceiling while praying that either the sun rises or I fall asleep; whichever comes first. My hands grip my sleeping bag so tightly I’m sure my knuckles are white as I fight to keep the demons lurking in the back of my mind at bay.
My chest is tight, sweat beads on my forehead, and I’m about two seconds from losing it.
Imagines of slamming the arrow into the side of Ethan’s neck, hot blood spurting from the wound as he cries out and collapses to the ground, flash in my mind.
But those images change to the man I stabbed the other night, the way the knife sank into his flesh, only to be caught on a rib before sinking into his heart.
And then it changes again, only this time it’s the sight of my parents as they lie lifeless in the mangled mess of our car on the side of the motorway.
Look at all those people you’ve killed, a voice taunts in the back of my mind. That’s why he left you at the altar, why everyone leaves you. Because they know what a monster you are.
“Ollie?” A hand lands on my shoulder.
I gasp, jerking as the images fall from my mind and I’m back in the dark corner shop.
“Shh, easy princess, it’s just me,” Theo says, his voice thick with concern as a hand strokes my hair.
I suck in a shaky breath and seek out Theo in the darkness. He’s kneeling on the floor next to me and there’s enough moonlight filtering through the shop windows for me to make out his features. His brow is creased and his silver eyes are filled with worry as he gazes down at me.
“You okay?” he asks softly as his fingers brush against my cheek.
I swallow and nod, still shaken by my thoughts.
I’m not surprised to see that out of the three of them, Theo’s the one who realised I was struggling to sleep.
He always seems to figure out when I’m having a hard time.
“We need to stop meeting like this,” I say, hoping to lighten the mood as butterflies flutter in my stomach at how kind this man is to me.
Some of his concern melts away and his lips twitch. “What can I say? I enjoy a good midnight rendezvous, especially with such a beautiful woman.”
My cheeks heat and I shake my head. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”
He chuckles. “Who said anything about flattery? I’m only stating facts.” Some of the amusement fades from his face as he peers down at me and strokes the side of my face with his thumb, his skin rough against mine. “How are you actually feeling?”
I shrug. “About as well as I can, considering everything.”
He hums. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I want to say no and bury my worries and fears as deep as they’ll go, like I usually do. But I’m realising that my normal way of coping isn’t working like it once did. Which could prove deadly if I end up freaking out in the middle of a fight. A fight which could kill everyone I care for.
I sigh. “Have you ever had to deal with survivor’s guilt?”
He shakes his head. “Not personally, but I’ve dealt with patients who’ve had it.
It’s a lot more common than you think.” He pauses and his eyes flick to where Rhys lies, snoring softly in his sleeping bag with Harlow asleep at his feet.
She decided an hour ago that I was moving too much for her comfort.
“You know Rhys was in the military?” I nod and he continues. “I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that he suffered a lot during his deployment and came home with his own survivor’s guilt and other shit. Maybe you should talk to him about it sometime.”
While I’m burning to know more about Rhys, I also understand that it’s not Theo’s place to tell me his best friend’s secrets.
So I tell Theo something I’ve never told anyone outside of my therapist. “My parents and I ended up in a car wreck,” I start, hating how my voice wobbles as I fight back against the dark memories threatening to overwhelm me.
“My dad was driving, and we were arguing over the fact that I wanted to go to a birthday party that weekend and my parents weren’t letting me.
I was screaming at them, saying how I hated them as a lorry driver tried to change lanes without checking his mirrors.
My dad was distracted by the argument and didn’t see until it was too late. ”
I swallow hard as the screeching of metal and the bloodcurdling screams of me and my parents echo in my ears. My hands tremble as I hold on to my sleeping bag for dear life, trying and failing to ground myself.
“They both died pretty quick after impact, but by some miracle, I was still alive. A piece of metal had lodged in my lower abdomen and I had a nasty cut on the side of my head. Because of how we crashed, I had to wait for several hours before they could reach me and cut me out of the car. It was the worst few hours of my life. I just had to sit there, staring at my dead parents while in excruciating pain and slowly bleeding out.”
Theo pries my hands from my sleeping bag and threads our fingers together, giving my hands a small squeeze in silent support. But I barely register the gesture, my mind too consumed with my personal nightmare as I continue.
“When I finally got to the hospital, it was pretty touch and go. I think my heart stopped twice after they rushed me into surgery, but they kept me alive and repaired most of the damage. Unfortunately, I ended up with a lot of scar tissue, most of it within my reproductive organs. My fallopian tubes are pretty much closed shut and my uterus is so scarred that even if I somehow get pregnant, I won’t stay pregnant.
But they didn’t want to remove anything because I was young and needed the hormones or something.
I don’t know, I just know I’m pretty much sterile. ”
Throughout my story, Theo strokes his thumbs over the back of my hands. He’s moved closer by the time I’m finished, the heat from his body sinking into mine and providing some comfort in the wake of my horrific memories.
“Is that why you didn’t want to stay in a car the night we found the Lodge?” he asks as he drops one of my hands and reaches up to brush strands of my hair from my face.
I nod. “Cars hold bad memories and even before the apocalypse, I tried to steer clear of them as much as possible. Therapy only helped enough that I could sit in a car and not freak out. But with the way the world is now, I don’t trust myself not to have a panic attack.”
“Makes sense. This new world is rough for everyone, and even more so for those who have past traumas. It’s no surprise that you’ll have relapses.”
“What about you?” I ask as I meet his eyes for the first time since I started recounting my story. “What traumas do you have?”
His eyes widen for a moment and he blows out a slow breath.
“Too many and not enough,” he says wryly.
“My mum ended up being a single parent after my deadbeat dad walked out on us, so I had to grow up pretty fast. She’d have to work several jobs just to keep a roof over our heads until I got a scholarship to a fancy boarding school and she didn’t have to worry about me as much.
That’s actually where I met Rhys and Alex. ”
A small smile plays on his lips and there’s a wistfulness in his eyes before he shakes his head.
“But to answer your question. During my time as a paramedic, I’ve stared down teenagers who were off their heads on drugs while pointing a gun at my head and I’ve been stabbed a few times.
” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal that someone shoved a knife into his body in order to kill him.
Several times. “Been threatened more times than I can count. Witnessed people suffering and dying in horrific and painful ways, including several kids.”
I just stare at him, mouth agape. “How are you so relaxed after all the crap that you’ve seen and had happen to you? Hell, you’ve been through more than I have and I’m a mess compared to you.” Fuck. I need to get my shit together.
Theo shakes his head. “Trauma isn’t a competition, Ollie. People react in different ways to the horrific things that happen to them, and what might traumatise one person might not even register with another. Everyone’s different.”
I wrinkle my nose, still not convinced.
He chuckles and rubs his thumb between my eyes, smoothing out the skin. “What you went through was awful, but I’m honestly in awe of how strong and resilient you are.”
“Me? Strong and resilient?” I scoff with a roll of my eyes and turn my head away. “Have you not been paying attention? I’m nowhere near any of that.”
He grabs my chin, forcing me to look at him.
“I have been paying attention, which is why I know you are those things and more. Ollie, you’re risking your life to save your brother and a woman you’ve never met.
You saved our lives more than once and you even fought your way free today.
Yes, you’ve had to take lives in order to do it and I hate that you’ve had to.
But Ollie, you are the bravest person I’ve ever met. ”
He looks at me with such sincerity that I want to believe him.
To be this wonderful version of myself that he sees, but I’m just not that person.
“I’m not brave, Theo. I freaked out after stabbing that guy in the back to save Rhys, and I did the same after I killed Ethan.
If I was on my own, I’d be dead. That’s not brave. ”
“Remember what I said that first night we were together?”
I try to, but it’s hard with everything whirling in my brain, so I shake my head.
“I told you that even though we all rely on luck to survive in this fucked up world, when our luck runs out, we have each other’s backs. Well, that includes yours, Ollie. What Rhys and Alex did was have your back when your luck ran out, just like you’ve had ours since the day we met you.”
“But...”