Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Arbor
T he nurse spends a while conversationally asking me questions as she helps get the baby latched. She asks if the baby and I have a safe place to go after the hospital, if anyone at home physically abuses me, and so on. I assure her that we are safe, and she leaves after asking another round of health questions.
My heart is fuller than it’s ever been as I stare down at Gracie. I’m pretty sure that’s the name I’ll be sticking with, but for the moment, I’m still testing it out.
Gracie is perfect.
The most incredible gift I’ve ever been given, and she’s so tiny and completely dependent on me. It’s hard to stay focused on the positives when all I can think about is how badly tonight could have gone.
It’s complicated.
I truly believe I made the right call getting us away from Adam. But I still feel like a failure when I compare the house I moved out of in Arizona to the run-down cabin I’ll be bringing Gracie home to.
Adam comes from the type of money that I had never been exposed to until we started dating.
I didn’t grow up in a pack.
My dads adopted me when I was three months old, and they gave me an amazing childhood. They loved me so damn much, and I never doubted that. When I presented as a teenager, they were right there, searching facts about omegas and doing everything they could to make my transition easier.
They would have loved Gracie. I know for a fact they would have held my hands while I delivered, and I miss them so much it hurts.
My freshman year in college, they were supposed to come visit me for Christmas, but they never made it. There was a carbon monoxide leak, and they died peacefully in their sleep.
My eyes ache as my head shakes.
My grades tanked. I had no interest in school, and I knew I couldn’t afford my next tuition payment without their help. I couldn’t even manage to finish paying off the mortgage on their house, so the bank took it back.
Gracie starts to nibble again, and I run my finger over her chubby cheek. Her eyes open lazily, and I try to determine what color they are. It’s hard to tell, but I think they’re deep blue. The baby books said that could change when she’s older, though.
“I know we had a rough start, but I promise I’m going to take care of you,” I whisper, and fat tears drip from my eyes.
I’m happy and incredibly relieved she’s okay. I think it’s a combination of everything hitting me all at once. Sniffling, I bring a hand up to wipe my cheeks. Tonight could have gone really badly, but God or some higher power was looking out for us.
The sound of the door opening catches my attention, and my eyes fly up as Hayes closes it behind him. He has something tucked under his arm that I can’t make out.
He spins around, giving a tight smile, and I focus on repositioning my hospital gown to cover as much as possible without cutting off Gracie’s air flow.
“Can I come in?” He frowns, shaking his head. “I’m already in the room. Can I come sit with you?”
My face heats.
This man was all up in my vagina when it was in the most questionable state it’s ever been.
At the same time, he was an absolute gift from God. He knew exactly what to do to ensure Gracie and I were safe, and it feels like I’ll never be able to repay him for what he did for us.
My hair falls around my face as I nod. “Yeah, of course. I’m feeding Gracie, but I don’t mind if you don’t.”
Hayes rocks on the heels of his boots as his eyes widen.
He and Hael look so similar, but their energy is completely different.
Hayes is intense and serious, though it feels like that’s because he’s always assessing and analyzing. I don’t know him well enough to make the assumption, but that’s how I interpret it. It’s almost like he’s waiting for the next emergency to pop up so he can tackle fixing that too.
The gratitude I feel toward all three of them is immense. I couldn’t explain my emotions if I tried, but I know I owe him an extra special, heartfelt thank you. I’m a little surprised they haven’t left yet. It’s coming though, and I need to handle that before they go.
Hayes’s curly brown hair falls over his forehead as he cuts his eyes at me. There’s something predatory about his gaze as he strides forward with a box in his hand. That must have been what was tucked under his arm .
He makes it about a foot away from the end of the hospital bed, spins around, strides to the sink, and drops the box.
One by one, he shoves up the sleeves of his long sleeve T-shirt and grabs several pumps of soap before washing his hands.
Okay, he does have tattoos .
They’re just not in visible places like Hael’s.
The strong muscles of his back move and flex as he continues scrubbing.
I grimace.
Am I really creeping on the guy who delivered my baby? No, I am absolutely not. That would be crazy.
Plucking Gracie off my sore breast, I tug up the hospital gown and practice the hold the nurse recommended for burping her. Those long lashes of hers flutter as her eyes open, but they’re rolled back into her head. She pushes her lips together, making a silly face.
My heart melts.
Sure, I made some mistakes along the way, but I made the right call when I left Adam. I’ll keep reminding myself of that every time self-doubt slithers back in.
This sweet baby girl is mine, and she’s counting on me to protect her.
The hospital bed is mostly in the upright position, so I can lean back as I continue burping her. It’s a bad move, and shooting pains radiate from my pelvis up to my abdomen.
I gasp, and Hayes appears at the edge of the bed.
“Are you okay?”
Nodding, I plaster on the most realistic smile I can muster when I’m both emotionally and physically exhausted.
The massive alpha drops the box on the chair and turns back to me. “May I?”
My head tilts.
He did wash his hands.
I’m not opposed to letting him hold Gracie. “Yeah, of course.”
In no way, shape, or form do I expect him to lower the rail and climb onto the edge of the bed. I bite my lip and prepare for the discomfort as I scoot over to give him enough room to sit down.
I’m lying on a massive pad like they give incontinent people, and I’m wearing a diaper. I have no idea why he would want to risk being this close to me, but his smell hits my nose as he carefully takes Gracie from my hands.
There’s nothing comparable to his scent, making it impossible to accurately describe it. All I know is, he’s the most potent scent match I’ve ever smelled. It affected my system that day in the gym, and it’s even worse now.
My instincts scream to bury my nose in his throat. It would be the fastest way to soak up his pheromones. There’s a whole dynamic where alphas and omegas are concerned. Sure, there’s the sexual aspect, which makes our designations highly compatible, but it goes deeper than that.
Alphas are meant to protect omegas.
Omegas, in turn, calm an alpha’s more aggressive nature, and contact with our pheromones helps prevent them from going feral.
On top of that, there’s an additional level, which I found out from my first OBGYN. Omegas who don’t have regular contact with alpha pheromones and even semen during pregnancy have a higher risk of miscarriage, preterm labor, and severe maternal complications.
Nature designed alphas and omegas to fit together.
That’s just how it goes.
My head falls back against the bed as I realize I’m going to have to go back on suppressants as soon as it’s safe.
Can I breastfeed while taking suppressants?
If not, how the hell am I going to afford formula?
My last doctor warned me that heats start again anywhere from three months to a year after giving birth. It’ll depend on how quickly my body heals, but even a year feels like no time at all when I have so many other things to focus on first.
“She’s so fucking tiny,” Hayes says, stretching back against the bed next to me. He keeps Gracie’s bottom on his chest, and he makes it look easy as he continues patting her back. “I’m sure you want to kick me in the balls right now.”
I snort, readjusting my gown.
“Well, she sure didn’t feel small when I was pushing her out.” I turn a little toward him and carefully put the majority of my weight on my hip. “It was still worth it, though. I don’t know what I would have done without the three of you.” My eyes burn. It’s likely I’m about to cry again, so I rush to get it all out. “I’m so grateful you were there. I wish I had the right words to thank you. It feels like I owe you more than I can ever repay?—”
“No, don’t cry.” He gives that same tight smile that seems to indicate he’s in pain. “And don’t feel like you owe me anything.”
Gracie lets out a monumental burp, followed by a loud toot.
I laugh, and Hayes rumbles out a low chuckle that matches him perfectly.
“I bet that cleared up some space.” He grins and little crinkles appear around his deep blue eyes. Morris also has blue eyes, but his are more like a crystal blue lake, while the twins’ eyes are almost like a dark turquoise. I’m not even sure that’s the proper way to describe them. They’re so vibrant, I’ve never seen their particular shade of blue in person. “Were you done, or was this just a burp break?”
My face gets hot, and I don’t have the first idea why. “I’m supposed to do the other side. Rosie—the nurse—said it’s important because it’ll help force natural contractions.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “And you’re producing a special kind of milk right now.”
“Colostrum.”
“That’s it.” He nods. “Do you want to get ready, and I’ll hand her to you? Or should I give her to you and step out?”
“I actually need to do the right side, so maybe just give me a second and hand her over?”
“You got it. Have you picked a name?” He lifts her, nuzzling her cheek to his face, and my heart races.
“Gracie.” I refocus on pulling down my gown, but I’m mostly turned toward him, so I don’t have the first clue how this will work.
Rosie went over three different holds, and I think the easiest will be with Gracie’s stomach turned toward mine. Only, I don’t know how to take her from him while stretched out in this position.
“All right, little lady. I think Mom is ready to hook you up with the good stuff,” Hayes says, turning to face me. He manages to maneuver her between us, laying her down and keeping her face right in front of my breast. He pushes the gown against my sternum, covering the other side of my chest. I’m basically one arm in and one arm out of the hideous contraption.
I wanted to ask the nurse to help me change into clothes I brought from home, but I was physically done for after the quick rinse off that I did during the last trip to the bathroom.
Pinching my boob, I wiggle my nipple into her mouth, but I think she fell back to sleep.
She latches, even if she’s snoozing, and I smile. Maybe she’s an easy baby, or maybe I don’t suck at every part of being a mom.
I’ll take the small win.
It’s really all I’ve got at the moment.
My entire body tenses as Hayes pulls a messy wave from my face, tucking it behind my ear. His fingers barely graze over the bruise on my cheek that really should have healed by now.
“Will you tell me about this?” he asks, and those same crinkles appear around his eyes, but this time, the expression isn’t mirth. His concern is evident, and it makes my stomach wobble.
I’m not ashamed of the way Adam treated me.
I got out!
But more than that, I didn’t do anything wrong, and I know that.
Okay, in theory, I know I’m the victim.
It still makes me uncomfortable how long I stayed. At first, it was mostly emotional torment. Adam would say things like, That’s what you’re wearing? or I thought you loved me. Why are you going out with your friends when you could be here, spending time with me?
It was little things that I didn’t catch because I’d never been in an unhealthy relationship.
I actually blamed myself like I was causing the problems between us.
So, I stopped…
Stopped wearing the clothes he didn’t like.
Stopped going out with my friends.
Stopped locking my phone—that way, he could check it whenever he liked to prove I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
Though I didn’t get much money when my dads died, I did have some from selling their cars and the furniture. There was a little in liquid assets, but as soon as Adam found out I had money tucked away from that, he started finding ways to spend it, which made no sense. He has a better job, and his family is well-off.
I can see now that he wanted me at his mercy.
That money was something I could use to get away from him. Just like he couldn’t allow me to have friends because then I could have turned to them for a place to stay.
“You know I was a medic in the military,” Hayes says, and my eyes pop open. I’m not even sure when I closed them. He clears his throat. “War is ugly. It’s complete chaos, and you eventually do one of two things—you either go fucking crazy, or you become desensitized to it. Human beings aren’t designed to be in constant fight mode, but it is what it is. Someone has to do it.”
His thumb teases over my cheek, and he moves to run his hand down Gracie’s back.
I glance between him and her and back again. I’m not sure what to say, so I stay quiet.
“Doing that kind of emergency triage, you save a few. Lose a lot. That’s life, I guess. Right before we were supposed to come back to the States, I couldn’t save someone important to me…” His head shakes. “They said I did everything I could, but you know that voice that says but did you really? Are you sure you didn’t fuck something up? Why didn’t you try harder ?” He sighs, clearing his throat again. “It’s the kind of thing that sits heavy in your chest every day. And again, you either learn to live with it, or it eats away at you until you lose your mind.”
I’ve been cradling Gracie’s back, but I rest my hand on Hayes’s wrist, giving him a squeeze.
That kind of loss must be devastating, and compounded with his guilt?
My vision blurs as my chest aches.
I want to tell him how sorry I am, but I know from experience, words don’t help. Not with the raw kind of pain he’s describing.
When my dads died, I lost count of the number of times people told me how sorry they were. And yeah, I appreciated it, but it didn’t make the grief any easier to handle.