36. Nora #2
He's quiet for a beat.
"Okay," he says.
"And I'm Ms. Collins, to your lawyer. If she asks if we share a bed, I want to be able to say no and have it be true. I don't want either of us standing up under oath and lying about something that doesn't have to be a lie."
"Okay."
"You're not going to fight me on this."
"No."
"Why not?”
"Because it's smart, Red. I can see that it's smart. I don't like it, but I can see it."
"Okay."
I wait for him to step back. Say goodnight. Go to his room. But he doesn't move.
"What?" I ask.
"That's all of it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You said you sleep in here; you're Ms. Collins to the lawyer. That's the practical version. That's the lawyer-makes-sense version. Is that all of it?"
I look at him. He's watching me the way he watches Harper when he's checking if she's actually fine or just pretending to be fine.
"No," I say.
"Okay. Tell me the rest."
"I don't know how."
"Try."
I take a breath. Let it out. The hallway carpet has a stain near the baseboard that I've walked past every day since I’ve been here and never noticed. I'm noticing it now.
"I do a thing," I say. "I leave first. Before someone can leave me."
"I figured."
"You did?"
"Red, you've told me about your parents. You told me you were terrified to care about people. I've been waiting for it."
"For me to leave?”
"For you to want to."
I have to look away from him.
"I'm not actually leaving," I say. "I want you to know that. I'm not packing a bag. I'm not breaking up with you. I don't want to do either of those things."
"Okay."
"But the part of me that does want to is awake right now. The part that's been quiet for months woke up today in Ms. Chen's office. And it's loud."
"What's it saying?”
"It's saying this is the part where I go. That if I just left, you could win the case clean, and Harper would be safe, and I'd be doing the thing that helps you. That's what it's telling me. Right now. Standing here."
"And you're not going to listen to it."
"I'm trying not to."
He nods once. Doesn't say anything for a long second.
"Can I ask you something?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"Is the bedroom thing about the case, or is it about that?"
"What do you mean?"
"You said it's smart. The lawyer. The bed. I agree, it's smart. But is that why you're doing it, or is the leaving part of you running the show and the bedroom thing what you negotiated with it?"
I open my mouth. Close it.
"Both," I say. "It's both."
"Okay."
"Is that bad?"
"I don't know. I'm trying to figure out if it's bad."
"Tyler."
"I'm not mad. I'm trying to be honest. If you're telling me the bedroom thing is the real thing and the rest is just extra information, that's one conversation.
If the leaving part of you is the one calling the shots and the bedroom thing is what it's settling for tonight, that's a different conversation, and I want to know which one we're having. "
"It's the second one."
"Okay."
"Is that bad?"
"You already asked me that."
"Yeah. I'm asking again."
He takes a second.
"It's not bad," he says. "It's scary. But it's not bad. I'd rather know."
"You'd rather know that I'm halfway out the door."
"You're not halfway out the door, Red. You're standing in this hallway at ten at night, telling me you're scared, and you've come up with a way to not leave, and you're asking me to do it with you. That's not halfway out. That's the opposite of halfway out."
I'm crying. I didn't notice it starting.
"You're being really nice about this," I say.
"I'm not being nice. I'm being honest. Don't make me a saint; I'm pissed off too."
"You don't sound pissed off."
"That's because if I sound pissed off, you'll think I'm pissed off at you, and you'll leave faster."
That makes me laugh a little. A wet laugh.
"Yeah," I say. "Probably."
"So I'm being calm. On purpose. Because I want you to stay, and I'm trying to make staying easier than leaving."
"Tyler."
"That's the truth, Red. I don't have a strategy. I just don't want you to go."
"I'm not going."
"For now."
"For now."
He nods. Looks at the floor, and then back up.
"Okay. Separate rooms until the hearing. Ms. Collins to the lawyer. I can do that part."
"Thank you."
"Can I ask you for one thing?”
“Anything.”
"It's not even a thing. It's a thing I'm asking you to tell me when you're doing it."
"Okay?"
"You said the leaving part of you is loud right now. The bedroom is what you're feeding it tonight. But it's going to want more. Right? That's how it works. It gets a little, and then it wants a little more. So when it asks for more, will you tell me?"
"What do you mean, tell you?”
"Tell me, Red. Like you told me tonight. Don't just start being a little colder or a little more polite, and tell yourself you're being careful for the case. That's not careful. That's the leaving thing again, and I won't always know which one is which. So tell me. Same way you did tonight."
"Okay."
"Promise me?”
"I promise."
He looks at me for another long second. He doesn't try to come closer. I can tell he's forcing himself not to. After a moment, he steps back into the hallway properly.
"Night, Red."
"Night, Ty."
I close the door.
I lean my forehead against the wood. I don't move for a minute.
The bracelet is on my wrist. I look at it. The little N catches the lamplight. I take it off, put it on the nightstand, and stare at it for a second.
Then I put it back on. He didn't ask me to take that off. That wasn't part of it.
I get under the covers. The sheets are cold, and the pillow doesn't smell like him.
Across the hall, the bathroom tap runs for a minute and stops. A drawer closes. His bed lets out a familiar creak as he sinks onto the mattress.
The house goes quiet.
I lie there with my hand over the bracelet, and I try to sleep.
I don't, not for a long time.